is just getting off (LDW)acceptable?

[SRVfan]

she will say she is tired, has to work the next day. one time she told me she is an instant gratification kind of girl.

i remember discussing my needs with her and she said i quote: "what's the problem? i go boom you go boom". She recognizes my needs but only to the extent they agree with hers. I don't have to understand her needs, i accept whatever they and try to work with them.

it's not all bad: i've been very tough in a nice sort of way. I told her i needed to ML once a week to feel good about myself and us and that i thought it would be good for the marriage. she said if she wasn't in the mood she should do it anyway? I said occassionally yes she should do it. After all we do things every day we don't necessarily want to do and we don't have a problem with it. She's indicated that sex is pleasurable and then proceeds to bring up issues from years past. My response is that anything older than six months i'm not interested in talking about.

By the way, it's not that we're not experienced at FP i usually end up doing most of it and that's ok i like doing it. since she works weekends, she has a day off during the week. I usually limit my initiations and invitations to then because she has energy and is more likely to be relaxed. this worked until she decided she wanted to sleep in until 8-8:30am. i usually can't wait any longer and have to get to work. Now what i do is the night before i ask if she wants me to let her sleep. She knows that if she says yes i will get up early get dressed and go to work. if she says that i don't have to i bring her coffee and will rub her back for 1/2-1hr. If there's still no response i go to work. fortunately i have the kind of job which will cut me some slack. Sometimes she will give me the choice of making love and being late for work or doing without at least another week.

One thing that is doing something is the 180 thing. i've stopped accepting poor behavior and attitude toward me thus we argue a lot more but we are also ML at lot more 1x/wk (30 day length) not 1x/mo.

i think right now her attitude is okay we'll have more sex but it will be on my terms, my way, which is generally her belief system.

thanks for responding, i'm not complaining but it sometimes helps to talk it over.

[Greeneyedlass]

She's indicated that sex is pleasurable and then proceeds to bring up issues from years past. My response is that anything older than six months i'm not interested in talking about.

What type of issues does she bring up...and why wouldn't you be willing to talk about them with her? You may possibly be shooting yourself in the foot there.

[SolidMechanic]

Again, SRVfan, I apologize for my tone and personalizing my message. Some see the glass half empty, others see the glass half full (engineers see that it has a Design Safety Factor of 2).

You received a gift. It wasn't exactly your size, and it wasn't your favorite color. As people often do, she got you what she wanted rather than what you wanted, which is typical of most gift giving. But it was a gift, nonetheless.

Do you think when she has sex with you, that she can sense that, even then, you are still unhappy with the act? Is this an incentive for her to go any deeper? On the one hand you shower her with ILYs and massages, on the other hand, you've got one foot out the door. How sincere are the ILYs? Are you committed? Might she interpret your actions as an insincere attempt to butter her up for sex?

One more time, I guess I'm not in a position to give good other validation. Yes, I've read two of Dr Schnarch's books, and they occupy a prominent place in my Literary Shrine to Marital Sexual Futility. All I was trying to say, in my clumsy, fused way is that you can take what little you've gotten and expand on it. But you can't do that if you just throw it back in her face and tell her you have no use for it.

SM

[honeypot]

well, SRV, I suppose your only option then is to decline next time she offers a quickie. If it leaves you feeling bad, then don't take her up on it.

Or ask, at the time the offer is made, whether it's going to be quick or can you take your time.

I know this is hard, and yes I've done it myself, but to see you decline something that she knows you desperately want will underscore to her that you mean business.

Also, telling someone that they suck in bed is never pleasant but I think that you may have to do this in a roundabout way. Even if the frequency was where you wanted it, it sounds as if you would still be unsatisfied with the quality.

So you have several choices:
*You can say nothing and go with the flow and hope that her willingness to make you happy spills over into a willingness to try new things.

*You can work on frequency and leave the quality for later.

*You can make the quality the defining issue and tell her that you can live with 1x a week but you need it to be longer and incorporate foreplay, etc.

*You can show her, rather than tell her, that you don't want it like that. If she is hurrying you along, just stop ML to her. Tell her that you've told her you don't want to rush and that she is ruining the moment for you.

There are all kinds of approaches and I think I've taken them all, at one point or another, to drive home my feelings on this issue to my H.
Sometimes I have to bust balls, other times positive reinforcement works.

You know your wife best--what do YOU think would work best with her?

HP

[SolidMechanic]

My response is that anything older than six months i'm not interested in talking about.

I take it that's your rule, not hers. Let her talk about everything. What's the harm? If you listen to her, she might get the idea that you take her seriously. You should address both of your issues, preferrably at the same time. She moved away emotionally when you were otherwise occupied. Maybe if she can get some of this dumb relationship stuff off of her chest, she might actually let you get close to her.

My wife brings up stuff from when Jimmy Carter was president. She fell in love with me when I was an irresponsible pothead jerk. Now that I'm a responsible, warm, nurturing adult, I'm having problems igniting any kind of spark. If I listen to all of the old BS, maybe she can learn to get closer to me.

SM, a fellow engineer who is also reaping the dividends that are paid when we neglect the emotional needs of our wives for many years.

[SRVfan]

thanks for your concern. i hope i wasn't projecting. i apologize if i came across as complaining. my biggest work as far as differentiation goes is to not complain or whine. i'm sure its going to take years to completely learn how to constructively communicate.

As far as the 6 month rule, we've talked about sex many times where she explained that she turned herself off because i wasn't there a lot. I have apologized many times for my role in that sitch without expecting any explanation for anything from her. I guess i've spent two years trying to convince her by my actions how sincere i am in my remorsefulness.

how long should i take blame for the sake of venting on her part?? Don't know but at some point she has to take ownership of her issues instead of using me as a whipping post.

I think once a spouse has accepted thier role in relationship issues and promises to change and then changes and is sincere, using past issues as a means of avoiding present issues is non-constructive.

having said that i don't really know when enough is enough. Another interesting comment, one day i said how sorry i was that i didn't spend enough time with her when the kids were growing up and she responded that she didn't recall that being a problem (go figure!).

SolidMechanic, thanks for your help as well as everyone else.