Okay, well, here's the lowdown on where things are at the moment:
Tuesday night, we attempted LM for the first time in quite a while. I can't remember at the moment just when that was, but I posted about it here, and it was at least a month ago. I had asked on Monday if we could ML, and she put me off until Tuesday night, because DD20 was going out. Turned out, Monday would've been a better night for it anyway.
So Tuesday night we proceeded to get ready for bed, and she was like a lamb led to slaughter - not exactly enthusiastic. S18 was still up and about, and going to bed around the same time (his room is right next to ours). So it wasn't EXACTLY the most private of times, and even worse, W and S18 "butted heads" right before bedtime - she was kind of anxious about him going to bed around the same time. So suffice to say, it wasn't exactly the most loving and erotic (not to mention spontaneous) of times. Not really satisfactory for either of us, and if it hadn't been such a long time, I'd have probably called a halt to it before we even got going, but I was just NOT capable of doing that at this time.
So afterwards, we had a brief talk about it, and it was basically that she can't feel we have any privacy. Which is a REAL bummer, because that situation isn't going to improve anytime soon.
So last evening when I got home from work, W wanted to show me something - she wanted to discuss the possibility of us switching rooms with S18. Turns out his room is marginally bigger than ours, but we initially chose ours because it has a larger closet. However, our furniture would fit better in his room, and she apparently feels it would help her to feel more private if we had that room. I confirmed that part of it with her this morning. Of course, a room switch will mean the need to paint two rooms, and eventually we'd want to buy some new furniture, since now we'd have a room that would work better, and I even suggested that we might be able to get a small TV to put in there, so that we could spend some "quality time" in the room aside from LM so that we might give ourselves more opportunities where the kids wouldn't have to necessarily assume we're ML just because the door's closed.
Anyway, that's where things are at the moment. I think we'll probably do the room switch this weekend, and worry about the redecorating later - if this is going to make a difference, I want to find out early. My feeling is, she's kidding herself if she thinks this is going to materially change how much privacy we have. Our house is small, and not well laid out, and it really does afford precious little privacy. We're starting to talk about possibly looking for a better place, but that'll have to wait until my job situation resolves itself. Realistically, I think we're in this house for at least another year or two. Hopefully we can make things better within that time frame...
The first thing I notice is that you are working together to improve the situation. That in itself is a good thing. Also, if your kids are 18 and 20, son't they spend a good deal of time away, working or going to school or studying? I had the idea that when my kids are that age, W and I will have plenty of time to ourselves.
If privacy is a big issue, how about a romantic evening or weekend away. Sounds like you won't need a babysitter.
Glad you and W are ready to address all this once again.
The room change, while obviously not the solution ( we all know change has to come from within), is in my mind a good idea...first off, it's her idea, and secondly, it's symbolic of a fresh start.
I hope your W keeps up her end of the responsibility and you can go about this in a more relaxed fashion. It seems that once you hit your goal and had that great nite, you just burned out( I know there were other factors as well).
One thing I'd like to add...In PM, Schnarch is so enthusiastic that he makes it seem that every encounter has to be this hot thing which just isn't the case. But certainly, that "lamb to slaughter" attitude has got to go.
Anyway, good luck and keep us posted. Remember this time you are working with the knowledge that W is indeed capable of change.
The privacy issue is big. My W is really freaked out by this as well. I’m sure you remember me saying that one of the excuses W used to avoid ML was that she didn’t like the door on our bedroom. The deal was that we had French doors with louvers on the inside. The louvers could be swung open completely giving an unobstructed view through the glass, or closed allowing the louvers to be opened and closed similar to Venetian blinds. If the light in the room was good and if you positioned yourself just so on your knees outside of the door and pushed your face right up against the glass, it was possible to see through the little gap where the louvers pivoted on little pins in the louver frame and see just a small little sliver of the bed. What this had to do with ML at night, in the dark, while the kids were asleep, I never did figure out, but she felt that we didn’t have any privacy.
We’ve moved since then and have a regular door now, but now that the kids are older, the privacy issue is coming back. I get up at 4:00 and leave for work well before 5:00, so as you might imagine, we go to bed fairly early. I’ve never really needed eight hours of sleep (in fact, I have a hard time sleeping that long), but we’re usually in bed between 9:00 and 10:00 and about the latest we ever turn out the lights is when the weather goes off on the 10:00 news. Now that the kids are older (19, 16 & 13) it’s not unusual for them to still be up, or at least awake when we go to bed. And they’re right through the wall. Two of them anyway. They all have their own rooms, but D19 and D16 have slept together ever since D19 came to live with us (She’s really a girl who came to us as a high school exchange student in the summer of 2002. We fell in love with her and just decided to keep her. She’s living with us and I’m putting her through college.)
But the point is, they’re awake and right through the wall, so W will almost never ML at night. That’s why Saturday is our scheduled sex day. We’re both used to waking up early, but the kids, being good teenagers, will sleep until noon if we let them. Saturday morning is when I get lucky.
That’s a lot of talk to say that privacy can be very important, but I guess I’m just in a talkative mood today. Everything I’ve written has been long-winded.
Yes, I have to give her that... she did realize that some kind of remedy was in order, and came up with something rather inventive. I do hope it works out the way she envisions. We have 3 kids... 20 (wait... she had a birthday recently - she's now 21!), 18 and 12 (almost 13). No, we don't really need a babysitter, but our financial situation (not to mention work and other commitments) prohibits romantic weekends, and anyway, you can read in a previous thread about our attempt at a romantic weekend away to celebrate our 25th anniversary (didn't work out too well...). So, even though I agree we've made progress, we ARE still struggling, and not making near as much headway as others here like HP, Mojo and the Daves.
S12 goes to bed now about 9:00 on weekdays, but is "up" till at least 9:30, and S18 and DD21 stay up till (at least) 11. Sure, we can go to bed early, but then when S18 comes up to go to bed, W hears him creaking around and it pretty much destroys things for her.
My position is that we'd make better headway by working on trying to give her a different perspective on the privacy issue. IMHO it's due to her feelings about sex itself. She expresses it by saying she feels sex is a "private" thing, but in my experience this means she has to present a truly "asexual" self to the world - no-one must know she has a sexual side, LEAST of all the kids! I think this is not a healthy viewpoint, and I'm hoping that by working on this issue, we can improve the rest of our R. I dunno, maybe I'm totally offbase...
Another update: the job search is heating up, and I'm feeling much more confident now than I was a couple of weeks ago. I now feel it's only a matter of time, and not a whole lot of it, before I find something MUCH better than where I am now (it's hard to decide whether I'm working for the Mad Hatter or the March Hare). So I'm starting to feel much better and more hopeful about my job sitch. I'm pretty sure I'll be in a new position by sometime early in the new year. I also think I'll be making enough that it'll also resolve some long-standing financial issues, so perhaps W and I will be able to relax a bit and enjoy life a bit more. Of course, I'd also bet that the new position will be more demanding, so part of my plan is definitely to pay attention in any interview situation as to what lifestyle changes a particular job might require, and guard against "selling my soul". A bunch of money is no good if I can't spend time with my family and enjoy life at the same time.
Tim, Glad to hear about the job search! We are in a similar situation here with H looking but he is not willing to sell his soul. But, boy, it is tempting isn't it. I think of how much easier our life would be with more cash coming in, but then I think that it would be so much harder with rarely seeing H so it is a tradeoff.
