Hi everyone, I've been off line for a week or so. Last week W threw the newspaper at me and said "Read this". It was a full page article explaining that 3% of the population are asexual and do not fancy men or women and never think about or desire sex. As I read it, the described behaviouir all seemed very familiar. I asked her "Am I reading about you?" and she (with a fair sized smile) said "Yes". Later I mentioned that I did not believe she was asexual because she certainly fancied me at first and her boyfriends before me. She replied that she did fancy me but after a while it just wore off and she went back to "normal". She seems pleased with this diagnosis though and it did not affect our Friday LM. I have a feeling that a fair few of our LDs could be asexual. What do you think hairdog, CeMar, honeypot and everyone? SD
SuperMan, I personally do not believe that anyone is MADE asexual. I do think that people believe things of themselves which then become self fulfilling prophecies but, no, I don't believe that people are created asexual. We all have hormones and squeezy bits for a reason.
I could tell myself that I am shy and introverted because I feel uncomfortable in new situations and eventually I could adopt a whole "shy" persona. I could even begin to avoid new situations or people. Am I really shy though? Or have I just not cultivated, or allowed myself to cultivate, my more extroverted side? Have I let myself off the hook by hiding behind things that I believe to be true about myself--without challenging them?
Or perhaps I really am shy to a certain extent but is that what I FEEL all the time, 24 hrs a day? Doubtful. There will certainly be times when I want to hear MY thoughts voiced and be the life of the party but it is MYSELF holding me back. Not something biological.
In short, bullsh*t, I say. In a normal, healthy person with average hormone levels and properly working parts, there will be SOME semblance of sexuality. I think being "asexual" is a choice, not a condition.
Btw, I'm sorry your wife feels that this applies to her. And what was the smile all about? If I thought I was asexual I'd be crying in my cornflakes!
The premise of this book is that "sexual anorexics" deprive themselves of sexual pleasure the way food anorexics deprive themselves of food... and for some of the same reasons. Both groups literally starve themselves in the midst of plenty. I got the book thinking it might apply to my bf.
SuprDave wrote: <<I have a feeling that a fair few of our LDs could be asexual>>
SuprDave I think we are all a sexual beings. Meaning that sexual desire is a Continuum range with some people wanting some type of erotic body contact at least once in their life to the people that want IC /MB every hour. That is the statistical range. Just pointing out that there are variances in sex drives. Thank goodness the averages are not that far from the center.
I college, I enrolled in a "Human sexuallity" class for my Human Services degree. People with disabilities, physical and mental. One group we studied were from an island off Scottland. They had IC once a month with their clothes on. (cultural beliefs, men gone most of the time, and not much food were the written reasons for this frequency).
A south Pacific island group had IC 3 times a day. (cultural, it did not take much work to gather food, and everyone in the village looked after all of the children).
Then there were the religious body "Oneida Shakers group" in NY in 1840 http://www.nyhistory.com/central/oneida.htm Men, women seperat dorms, had to sign up for IC, could not have IC with the same person for a while, Had to have IC with someone different / rotation, make Woman have "O", no ejeculation for man.
The trick is to realise there are differences is sexuallity, desire and are you living with someone who fits with in your range. Or can you get your minimum needs met.
Too bad the 1X a years people marry the 1X a day people. I have to jump through too many hoops to do it with W. She wants everything except the IC most of the time.
I have included a link to an website that has info and lots of other links. I have only begun to read some of this info. I have often thought that most of these LD women want to be companions and nothing more. Unfortunately, this website indictes that this is exactly what asexuals want, the want a relationship that is based on friendship, companionship, or partnership. Unfortunately for us HD's, this website seems to indicate that anything that can be done with sex can also be accomplished WITHOUT sex for an asexual person. So we are married to women who do not seek to be lovers, while us HD's usually have this as our primary goal in life. It seems to me that us HD's are living life on a level that LD's can never get to. I know that for myself that my primary goal in life is to be lovers with someone. My wife on the other hand does not make this her goal, probably because she thinks she can not achieve the ability to be lovers. Is it possible to be lovers without desiring sex? If so I would love to know how. From what LD's describe, their ideal relationship is really one of companionship. Unfortuantely, you don't need marriage for this. It's kind of like when you were young and first dating and your girlfriend dumps you and says, let's just be friends. Yea, right, this is my goal in life, to be friends. This is pretty much what LD women act towards their husbands 24/7.
One more time!!! Men are LD/ND too so stop blaming all the world's problems on the women around here.. Haven't you learned anything by reading our life experinaces to understand that we want loving relationships with our partners, too?
Welp. I'll throw in my opinion. I'm not saying that asexuals don't exist, but there was a time in the not so distant past that I would have claimed to be an 'asexual.'
However... since I have 'given up' on meeting a sex quota, and my H has given up 'pressuring me' (whether that is on purpose or because of the pressures of his job, or a freak accident of nature) -- we've stopped taking each other's actions so 'personally,' and a very interesting thing has started to occur.
I'm experiencing 'spontaneous' horniness, and I believe my natural sexual side is starting to emerge from the deepest recesses of my being. I mean, honest to god, I woke my H up last Saturday morning about 5 a.m. because I had been laying there for a good hour so horny I could barely stand it. I didn't want to 'wake' him up because he so needs his sleep... but then I thought, 'you know, I'll let him be the judge of that,' and I woke him up.
I've been dreaming of sex!! With him! The night before last he wanted to have sex, but I had been sick all day and was not in the mood. So we scheduled it for the next night. Last night roles around and I had this 'problem' rattling around in my head... so much so that I could not 'detach' from it to really pay attention to our sex... so I explained all this to him... (he was aware of my 'problem'... he didn't try to fix it, although he was willing to help if he could... BUT he didn't minimize it or personalize it either... big, Big BIG HUGE). Anyway, so I ask him if we could just do a quickie 'cuz I was not in the proper mental frame of mind to EC. But I WAS horny. It was fast, it was fun, it felt AWESOME... and in no time flat, I could go back to stewing over my problem... and funny as it may sound, that quickie gave me enough of a 'mental break' that I was able to 'solve' my problem.
In short... we are getting along. We're communicating. H is okay with the fact that I'm not HD like him and doesn't seem to hold it against me any longer... but conversely, I understand that he shouldn't have to be LD like me... and I'm not holding his HD against him. We're willing to work together on it... we seem to be able to focus on solving the problem rather than personalizing the issues...
But in any event... I'm not so sure that there is such a thing as HD and LD when you really get right down to it... there is only HD and LD states when something else is wrong in the marriage. I dunno. I could be wrong...
Is that where you don't orgasm and the event is just for your H?
I am just curious; I think that I have a different definition of that term. I would use it literally--to define sex that is fast and without foreplay. Preferably standing up, leaning over the kitchen counter...ah, but I digress!!
And can I ask you one more thing: Why would you suggest this form of sex, if you were meaning sex that does not include an O for you? Does it normally take a long time to O, or just when you have a problem such as the one you were mulling over in your brain? Is it that you can't concentrate...or fully feel sexual...while problems are brewing in the noggin?
Btw, I agree and don't agree with your last statement. I do think there are LD and HD people. For instance my HD has a lot to do with my marital dynamics as you noted, but I am certain I was HD as soon as I hit puberty. And I have been that way in every R since. However, I'm not so sure that the gulf between the people is as severe as what is first believed. If that makes any sense, lol. I think that the relational dynamics make the gulf SEEM wider than it actually is. But there is probably a gulf to begin with..just like with other personality characteristics. My H is HD when it comes to having a clean house. Think 'bounce a quarter off your mattress' type clean. Me..as long as the clutter is put away and counters clean and beds made, I'm okay with it.
Oh and thanks for the congrats on Little Honey. She is a beauty and so SWEET I can't even describe it. Definitely the best kid we've produced so far. LOL Our older kids were fighting with each other yesterday and H (who was holding the babe) said sweetly to her, "You're the only one I like.." haaa haaa.
