As I'm locked out of my "kids sleeping in our bed" thread, I'm starting a new one; by the way, they are still sleeping there.
I just got back from a nasty closing on an investment property that she wanted to buy. At this closing, I was accused by my own lawyer of attempting to commit fraud, only to have him find some more papers in the stack and say, "Never Mind." W has been nit picking over details while I have been doing the grunt work to make the deal happen and avoid being scr?wed.
Does she appreciate this? He!! no!!! On the way home from the closing, I mentioned to her that I want to sleep with her more often (we had slept together the night before) and she said, "I suffered enough last night." Why should I bother talking to such a person?
I do things for her because she wants me to do them and because I want to make her happy. I don't call mortgage brokers and agents for my health. In fact it is certainly detrimental to my health. Why can't she do something just because I want it?
I propose the following dialogue:
Me: You know, we both worked very hard to purchase that house. Even though it was you who wanted it, I helped you out because that's what loving spouses do. Now there is something I want. I want to sleep with you and to love you....
By the way, whenever I say "sleeping with me" I mean just sleeping. We still haven't made love in years. She says it's suffering just to sleep in the same bed with me without the kids. Her main excuse is still that she needs to sleep with the kids.
I haven't done the quid pro quo thing, and I'm not planning to per se. She seems happy with me this morning, but we'll see how happy.
She did a lot more than she ever has regarding such business, but you are right. She just doesn't understand what the people are talking about, so she has me call them , blah, blah.
What really ticked me off was that W tried to "trick" a few dollars out of the seller by sneaking some things into the contract and hoping they wouldn't catch them. Then for weeks she was complaining, "How are we going to get them to pay for these things?" I darn near called the whole thing off.
One defense of the quid pro quo. I know that if she were to have sex a few times with me, even under the duress of obligation, it would be OK for her and might erase some of the bad memories she has of previous sex. Just a thought.
I gotta agree with the general feelings on here of ' don't trade or barter sex / emotions' The problem As I see it is then everything becomes about value. I negotiate contracts as part of my job, the thought of trying to negotiate things within the relationship would be unbareable to me.
What is the inflationary factor to a BJ, are there discount terms for early delivery? If washing the car in the summer is worth sleeping together, then in the winter when it is colder should be worth something more.. see where I'm going.
The other problem as I see it is then every action is assumed to be a ploy for sex/intimacy. Did you really want to do the dishes or was that a setup for a return favor.
Quote: I know that if she were to have sex a few times with me, even under the duress of obligation, it would be OK for her and might erase some of the bad memories she has of previous sex.
M&K, I understand your thinking here, you are coming from the perspective of the HD spouse, though. I've been both the HD and LD spouse at different times of my life.
Unfortunately, asking to sleep together, meaning sex or not, will be viewd as pressure by W. Better to act happy and play hard to get. People want what they can't have. The help you gave in the real estate deal means you are trying to hard, in my humble opinion.
We are both trying hard, in our own ways. W does a lot of work around the house and works full time. Often when I'm down, she remains strong.
The stress of the deal led us to some difficult discussions, and we emerged with relatively little permanent damage. I couldn't let us suffer the financial black eye of having the deal fall through, so I stepped in where I could. I was unabashed in telling her that I thought her tactics were unethical, and in the end I prevailed for the most part.
I was thinking along the lines of your suggestion, though. I could use a little time away, and I have certainly earned it.
This past weekend was a good weekend for emotional connection, but not a good one for physical connection. We spent a lot of time together, and it was good. We laughed and joked together. And yet when I asked her to sleep with me, she said, "We just slept together the other day." Now she's gone for three days overseas. It's dang hard to get any momentum going.
I think I would have blasted her if she were my spouse. I know that might not be the right way to handle it but DANG that is just utterly ridiculous to think that it is at all acceptable to say to your HUSBAND, "We just slept together the other day."
What, do people in Japan not sleep together as a married couple? I mean, where is she getting this idea that this is normal?
How in the world can you establish any sense of intimacy, let alone sex, in your marriage without intimate physical contact?
I agree with Honeypot! We shouldn't have to cower about the horrific act of sleeping with (or GOD FORBID) ML'ing with our spouses. This whole thing is just making me pissy. We tiptoe, we walk on eggshells, we come up with elaborate plans to get them to desire us...and all we end up doing is feeling bad about our marriages and ourselves.
I know I'm not helping...just venting...but SHEESH what is with these people (my LDH included)?! Man we HD'ers are just so incredibly evil and terrible for our unreasonable wants and needs, aren't we?!
Heavyheart (who admits she is still feeling pissy about not getting any anniversary sex)
