In my sitch I never call unless it is a return call. At first I was calling a couple times a day asking for reassurance and he would get mad. I worked and worked and finally got to where I could resist the urge to call. I would call friends or just go do something, or just lay on my bed and cry (don't recommend that one). Anyway, he told me I could call him if I needed anything or just wanted to chit chat but no more R talk. Well, I decided to let him initiate all contact. That way I know it is his decision and he wants to talk to me. If I call him I don't know if he wants to talk to me. When he called me Friday night to let me know he had received his license suspension notice and quickly hung up depressed, I wanted to call him back so bad and try to comfort him. But I knew there was nothing I could do and I'd just make him angry. I kept reminding myself that this wasn't about me and that I couldn't do anything about it. I hoped he wouldn't think I was uncaring but he was the one that hung up. He called 3 hours later and was pleasant but still depressed. I was very proud of myself for leaving him alone and it really seemed to be what he needed. I have never talked with him about how I won't contact him--I just don't. So, it works in my sitch. When I am out of cell phone range and he calls, he leaves messages asking where I'm at, so I know it gives him a little anxiety when he doesn't know where I am, and I think that's good for him. And we are getting along pretty good right now, but I just keep up the DBing anyway. It has to be a part of my life from now on. It is a heck of a lot better than what I did before!
I think it is good to keep them guessing. But, do they wonder what we're up too? Do they even care what we're up too? My H keeps saying how sorry he is for the this and how it kills him to know he's hurt me like this. But then they say "believe nothing you year and half of what you see".
Well, I think they do wonder. When I started to date someone, my H was very concerned about what I was doing. He called me while I was having dinner with a "friend" because he became suspicious. When he confirmed I was on a date he started to cry and said he couldn't stand the thought of me with someone else. And he called in the first place because he was missing me. Of course I wanted to smack him upside the head and say, what the heck do you think I've been feeling while you are running around with OW. I think he was more worried that I would become emotionally attached to someone rather than the physical aspect, although he asked if I had slept with him, because he wasn't emotionally attached to OW. That was no because I didn't really like the guy that much and still wanted to be with my H. I think they really do care and are very sorry and they are trying to find anything to make those bad feelings go away. But right now they don't want to be back with us permanently for fear things will be the same way they were before.
Destination Listen to Mollie she is giving you the same advice I was going to give you, yes they wonder what you are doing and who you are doing it with even if it seems like they dont thats the whole idea. My H has told me he wondered what I was doing and when he knew I was with someone else he wondered did I like him would I fall for him?? So even if they dont outright say it they definitly are thinking it. Mollie-your right yes my H choose ME!!! And he now truly understands what he would be loosing and my heart knows he would most likely never stray again but my head is still raw with the hurt emotions so it makes me have thoughts I dont want to have but so far my heart is winning out!!
Mollie and Lost - OK, you have no idea what your advise means to me. I've just had a really bad weekend and just need reinforcement that I'm doing "some" of the right things. H just emailed me with his usual "how are you doing and how was your weekend". So, I guess I'll just reply that I'm fine and my weekend was good. Even though it wasn't. But, I'll be upbeat and perky. Does it hurt sometimes to NOT reply until maybe the next day? You know, just so that they don't think that you're sitting there, waiting for some sort of "worm" to bite onto?
I have started my own thread under Midlife Crisis. It's "I Don't know if I'm cut out for this". Come and visit me and give me your wise wisdom you guys. You keep me going and make each day possible to function.
Destination Sure I will check out your thread and also sure dont be prompted to immediatly respond to an email or voicemail it can wait if you want it to. I know I had started to not immediatly call H back if he called and also as far as if he called my cell I sent him right to my voicemail sometimes because I "didnt feel like" talking to him at that moment. Nothing wrong with it and yeah it also shows them that you arent sitting by the phone or PC biting your nails for any kind of communication from them.
Hey Lost, I was off here all weekend,I was a total basket case by Saturday, he STILL hadn't called. I ended up crying alot on Saturday, calling friends,then having some family come over on Saturday night.Sunday went to see "shall we dance" good thing theatre is dark, no one can see the tears. GREAT movie by the way! Richard Gere is amazing. I drove around a while , then came home. Surprise- H calls and talks for about 30 minutes!!! Told me a little more about his bad day that made him break the date but still says there was a bunch of other stuff, none of which got talked about ...So I said "glad its all better" and he says "yeah, I got it all worked out-for now". Guess that was the bait I was supposed to take, but I didn't. He did tell me that he didn't want to spoil the time by being so crabby. I told him that he could talk to me anytime and he answered "Yeah, I know"- really soft like he knew I still cared and wished he could tell me(or am I reading into it). Mostly it was all chit chat and upbeat on my part. I agree that guys do not always think the way we do, so thats why he did not schedule a new date.I did tell him I was off one day this week and he was like" Hmmm, What are you doing on your day off?" I felt like telling him why do you want to know- but instead I told him just a check up . He did not suggest we meet or anything. We ended the call ok, with him saying" well, I just called cause I hadn't heard from you in a while" (yea- like since you broke the date- I figured he should call ME) . "Then he said I'll talk to ya soon, bye honey," all soft and nice like he did when we were together. I love hearing that in his voice, but then I get days of no calls. Its confusing. This being patient stuff SUCKS. THis weekend was soooo hard and everytime I think I have the GAL PMA thing down and I am keepin busy, WHAMMO- I have a dream about him (you know "those dreams") or he calls and gives me this little smidge of hope and I backslide on myself (so far no backsliding really in front of him)Sounds like you and Ami are doing ok these days. About tryin something new and different in the bedroom--- RIGHT ON! yup, nothin beats the smile on their face after you tell 'em what you wanna try,and then nothin beats the feeling of purely knocking their socks off. Its definetly a power pleasur trip for sure! Every ones bedroom life gets stale now and then, we've gone through that . As a matter of fact its weird some of the nicest interludes we had were right before he left, as if it meant more somehow.We were kinder, cared more, took care to make the other feel really good. Grrrreat, now I REALLY miss him tonight. Well girls dedicate your next one to me,OK?
AMI I am trying so hard to work on it, but he gives only the tinest of info or clues . You are right it may not have anything to do with her, but then why not tell me what its all about?? My H always knew he could tell me anything about his work, now there only certain topics that seemed to be dicussed. I give you alot of credit, 8 months. how the hell do you do it? I am definetly completely not mentioning divorce ever again. He will have to do everthing if he wants it. But he has not said anything more either, so I guess its still limbo land for now. ...its hard to hear the sincerity in his voice and there is no back up of sincere action.
I know I am replying to a post from about a month earlier, but what you were saying about your H's feelings for the OW and how it seems like they are these other people, so hit home with me. I too have that situation where all our friends and family just don't know what he is thinking. Granted, no one has met the OW yet. So, my insecurities tell me they will all see and meet her and go, "Oh, now we understand. She is amazing. Of course you would leave your W and kids for her." Pretty stupid I know, but that is where I'm at.
Anyway, since the conversations have progressed from this point, I was wondering how and if you got to the point where you understood your H's choices? My H doesn't tell me anything about what he felt was wrong with our realationship. He just says that he wants to be with, "Someone he loves." Nice!
I feel like if any of this made sense it would be so much easier to move on.
Sunshine Of course I was worried that when/if H introduced OW to his family would they be like uh yeah we see why you left. But fortunatly his family was very supportive of my and our M that even his sister said even if H wanted to introduce OW to them she planned on flat out refusing to do so. Luckily H came around and got his senses back before that happened. I did try and put my self into my H's shoes in how he was feeling emotionally I had the time to really sit down and evaluate myself and how I treated him in the past year and honestly I can see now why he started feeling the way he was, and my personality type he probably did try and talk to me about it but I was so wrapped up in trying to get pg that I probably wouldnt have heard him unless he grabbed me and screamed in my face we need to talk!!! My H said the same thing about wanting to be with someone he loves and that lifes to short to live it not happy and to be honest he will continue saying those things until he takes the time to really think about what he is saying and doing like my H did. From your post you didnt say if you were still seperated or are back together. If your seperated plan on your H not telling you anything about how he is truly feeling because honestly he probably doesnt even know either. If you are back together I would strongly recommend C and maybe your H do some individual C to make him understand how he was/is feeling. Hope this helps! LostInFl
