I have lost my soulmate to OW

[So Very Tired]

Fantasy land is officially over now that he is living with her.
Not having "competition" anymore will change the way she treats him.

[LostInFL]

ardislane,
Man I hope your right!! I got a taste of her brainwashing today though. He called to discuss the D papers and said he wanted to know what was up with having to pay CS back dated to when we seperated he said he has been nice given me the $$ he has been giving me and I said I know that and that what he has been giving me would be reflected on the child support settlement. And he wanted to know what was up with having to pay my lawyer fees and I told him that was all standard procedure and he said I have no $$ I have no job I guess I will have to go to jail because I cant pay for that! And he said now I have to get a lawyer because I dont agree with somethings in the papers and he wanted to do this w/o having to get lawyers and I said that was impossible to do with a child involved and then he pulled the phone away and I heard him say "what was the other thing??" TO THE OTHER OW!!!! And then he said well Im not going to call and talk to you anymore I will only call when I want to talk to my son and thats it and I said thats what you should be doing calling for him and not me. And then he said what did you do get the most expensive lawyer in town and I said no and he goes well I will just have to get a bigger badder one then wont I!!! Of course that whole conv ruined my whole day!! I cant believe how he is letting HER control him this way and coach him like that!! You know what it sounded like that job interview he was banking on this past friday didnt pain out when he made the comment about not having a job. So you know what GOOD now he still has no job and no $$ so guess who has to cover it all till he gets one...The OW! And doesnt he realize that that is why he is there to begin with to help her with rent and stuff so I guess he wont be doing that right away and cant say thats not going to rub her the wrong way right!!!! I am so sick of crying and feeling so down all the time I just wish his world would crash down around him and he will wake up and have the damn lights come on on his head because him acting and treating me the way he did today (in front of her of course) is going to really start pissing me off!!!
LostInFl

[mem]

The beginning of the end for them!!! When reality hits, it hits hard!!! Just wait til she tries to dictate when he sees S3 etc., He will get the picture, and even if he does not, he WILL realize that he has made a mistake. The question will be, can he find a way home...And that is where the DB comes in, b/c you will create a loving atmosphere, a safe haven, that he knows he can return to it/when the time comes.

For a while, OW will keep him mad about the D and expenses (money she will not be sharing, even when he does get a job). So expect some hostility. When the newness wears off, hopefully he will be able to think for himself. Hang in there... mem

[LostInFL]

Thanks mem!
I really hope it is the beginning of the end for them I really do! I just hate not knowing how long it will take you know. And yes reality has hit hard I cant believe he actually thought we could go through a D w/o lawyers especially with S3! And Im sure she will start to dictate when he sees S3 maybe not in the beginning but it will start to happen and if H is smart enough to see that she is doing it. And I cant help but still have hope that he will realize his mistake and have enough courage to try and find his way home and for me to have the strength to DB my butt off if he does try.
And I know the OW wants to keep him mad at me because that means he is staying close to her but when he is having to pay all his bills (which I added up and all his toys cost him about $1000 a month) and she wants her $$ for rent and stuff and if he doesnt have all of it will she put up with it? And I really hope he can start thinking for himself soon you know. He had slight doubts moving up there to begin with (said a couple months ago to me could be the biggest mistake of his life) course he could have been just feeding that to me too

LostInFl

[So Very Tired]

Sometimes I feel funny giving advice because I am so lost in my situation...but if I were you right now, I would totally avoid conversations about the divorce costs with him. Just leave it alone. He wanted out, so let him pay! Did he think this would be easy and free?? Too bad! If he takes this to the end you have to think of yourself and your son. If the law says you are entitled to something, Get IT! DOn't let him talk to you and get you sad and scared etc. Those laws were put there for a reason. My husband told me a year ago that he wanted a divorce...I mentioned some of the things involved and costs and he did the same thing! He got all upset that I would actually want the things that the law says I am entitled to. I let him know that if he wants to divorce me that at that point it is no longer US it's ME and I need to take care of my future and the future of my children. Why should I care if he does not have that much money left over at the end of the month after child support and alimony??? Why would that be my concern anymore? Why do these men think that we are supposed to care about their financial sitation after they leave us? My husband was furious when I told him that someone told me that I am allowed a portion of his retirement! He said "I'm not taking any of YOUR retirement, why are you planning on taking mine?" They don't get it. I am a waitress, what retirement am I going to get? He was even saying that he was going to try and see if I could not get any alimony. Fat chance! You might not get EVERYTHING you want, but if you stick to your guns you will get alot more than these men want to leave you with, which is chump change. My husband said that after he was through giving me money that he could be left with $40 a month. Oh well. Get a second job then.
You wanted out. Get out. Pay. Deal with it. ok I have spewed enough poison.
Just don't let him talk you out of reasonable things. Right now he does not have your best interests at heart. Maybe one day he might come to his senses and think about what he is doing but right now he is all about himself and you have to protest yourself.

[GenuineG]

Ardis,

I love your piss and vinegar! I have been feeling just WAY TOO compassionate lately. Maybe a little anger /indignation would help my PMA...LOL!
Of course in true DB form I couldn't show it to H but it sure as heck would help me!

LR

[LostInFL]

Thanks ardislane
Its so true they just think all they have to do is sign a sheet of paper and its done nothing to it right...WRONG! Everything that my lawyer put into the petition was standard procedure nothing above or below that. And no problem avoiding conv about D because that would require H to call to which he hasnt since his tiraid on Sunday, hes probably to busy looking for a job ehehe and you know what right now he deserves what ever he gets i.e. no job yet because he is the one who left a really good paying job here and left his family for some chick he has known for less then 5 months!! And your right he doesnt have my best interest at heart he thinks Im swimming in $$ but what he doesnt know is Im selling the house (he does know that) but that I may have to move in with my folks for awhile. And when he does find out maybe then he will realize the reprocusionts (sp?) of his choices! I told him a few weeks ago that my world has crashed down around me and he was like how you have the house you have shayne how has your world crashed, it took everything for me not to brow beat him!! That also shows how niave he is about what is going on right now all he believes to be the truth and reality is what comes out ot OW's mouth...man she is good!! Ok done venting!! 1st week down of H being gone for good today.

LostInFl

[LostInFL]

H called today wanted to talk some more about the D papers. I said that I wasnt trying to screw him and that I didnt say he wasnt giving me C/S and he said that his papers say he owes me C/S and I said well my papers say its retroed back to the S date and noting about him not paying anything. I reiterated that I didnt want this that the only reason I did it was because he was leaving the state and I didnt even know if I would ever see him again. He said of course your going to see me again (Yeah if OW "allows" it anyways) and I did ask him how did he feel when he got the D papers and he said scared. And of course stupid me said well its not final till the judge declares it as so and he said well since we are spending this $$ might as well do it no reason to waste the $$. And I told him how Im selling the house and possibly moving in with folks for awhile and he said Im sorry for that that you have to do that why cant you rent a place and told him I didnt think I could do it on my own financially. Again said how he didnt want to hurt me. So STUPID ME said you were everything to me and that I dont know what to do and he said, you need to live your life move on and then promptly well I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. Again he called at 3pm ok so OW is at work right? and of course he was calling me from his cell. Although he was with her daughter at "their" house. Anyways also talked to SIL on AOL and she tried to talk to him about us and she said he wont listen to her that he and OW are "very happy" and his mind is made up completely. OH yeah and he still has NO JOB!! and creditors are calling!! HAHAHAHAHA says if he doesnt have anything by the end of the week he is going to start scrounging (umm meaning min wage job hahaha)
LostInFl

[LostInFL]

Just some journaling...
It took a week but H actually called tonight so talk to S3 although I have a feeling he wouldnt have if my other neighbor didnt call his cell # by accident (they werent home last night and wanted me to stop over with shayne in his costume) and she proceeded to tell H what his own son was for halloween. When I called him back I got a very upbeat Hey and I said hey back and then said hold on here is S3 and let them talk. S3 hung up the phone minutes later I never spoke to him.
Friday night I got a call from my gf who's x is really good friends with H (and me as well) and she proceeded to tell me that her x told her that my H said that we had been fighting alot and that I was always telling him to get out if he wanted to and that he was going out with his buddies and crashing at their houses when we were fighting and that a seperation was in the works. This is a all out LIE that sh*t never happened!! There was one time we got into a fight and he left to clear his head and ended up at my gf's x's house and thats it the only time! And I have never said to h to get out and leave if he wanted to! So I called this friend and asked him what reasons h gave him for leaving and he said what gf said and I told him man that crap never happened that the only time he spent the night somewhere else was when h went to his house and that no seperation was in the works that if it was then why have I lost 40lbs and cry every freakin day. He told me that he tried talking to him but h is going to do what he wants to do but that he (the friend) was routing for the "home" team (us) and I told him that I think the home team is going to loose this one and he said keep your head up things can change pretty quickly and said well H is telling everyone including H's family that he and OW are very happy and he said yeah for right now and he reiterated things can change quickly. Anyways that was how my weekend went Next weekend my parents are taking S3 and Im going to get out and also Sunday I have to attend this family divorce class that is mandatory in the state of Fl to be taken within 20 days of filing and then H has to take 20 days from the date he responds, to wich I dont even know if he has yet.
LostInFl

[AMiTHEOW]

(((LIF))))

I just wanted to send some hugs your way.

I'm sorry that I don't have much advice regarding your sitch, however I can say that ours are very similar. My H is 29 and I just turned 30 on 10/1. We have been married 8 years and together for 10 years.

This is the second time that H and I are separated, and the first time he was "IN LOVE" with an OW. The OW was also from another state, and he was actually residing in the same state at the time and they hooked up. He had only known her for 2 months and was willing to lose everything with me for her.

He was absolutely HORRIBLE to me during this time. He also made up lies to his friends and MY family (my cousins that he hangs out with) about things I had done, to sorta justify why he HAD to leave me. I couldn't believe the lies he was telling. My H also went out of his way to express his happiness. I COMPLETELY ignored him after learning about her. (AWW, it was so much easier then I don't know why)

He then began to take MUCH more interest in me and what was going on with me. He then told me he wanted to be with me about 1 month later and I accepted him back with open arms. Which is pretty much why I believe I am going through this again. We had no counseling and everything went to right back to the way it had been. (that was before I found DB)

What I am basically trying to say is that sometimes things CAN turn around pretty quickly. My H told me we would NEVER, EVER be together again. (pretty much saying the same thing now) However, he did return when he learned that I was moving on.

I'm babbling, but I just wanted to share with you. I have a post in NEWCOMERS with a link to my sitch, hopefully you can stop by and take a peek into my update and what is going on.

I hope today is a good day for you.

Take care,
AMI