I have lost my soulmate to OW

[So Very Tired]

Lost in Fla my husband told me the same thing when he fell in love with his first affair, that she acted the way I used to act when we first met! Do these men understand that DATING is different from MARRIAGE??!? Of course she acts the way I used to when we met,she was in COURTING mode! Plus he might be true about us have somewhat similar personalities, but over the years of uninvolment in the relationship,arguments and headaches,disappointments and heartache, how can I keep that carefree personality that I had back then? They make no sense but you can't prove it to them,they need to find out for themselves....sometimes I wish that when I found out about his first affair that I had been "O.K. go,see if she makes you happy" I would love to see them now 3 years later. One or the other would probably have already left. Probably her because she just liked the competition I think. Or him, when she started asking for help around the house,or turning down sex occasionally, or asking him to go places with her,or complaining about his lack of care for the relationship, or gained some weight. (All the things I have asked for and done over the years) ok I am ranting, sorry.....thank God for this board though,it has saved me many times from going "snap,crackle,pop" on him when the anger starts bubbling to the surface!

[LostInFL]

Well H dropped the bomb today when he dropped off S3 this afternoon, seems he isnt waiting till Jan to move to NC with OW, he is leaving this Thursday for good!!! And I didnt react the way I would have usually reacted with the crying and pleading and all that I simply looked at him and said well I wish you all the luck wish things would have worked out different and I hope you find what you are looking for and thats how I left it. Of course as soon as he left I cried and that was pretty much what I did for the remander of the day today. Im thinking god has he lost his mind! He is walking away not just from me but from our S3!! And for what?? I mean he has known her for 4 freakin months!! And I have been telling myself for the last few months that fine go move up there because the sooner you move up there the sooner you will realize your mistake. And here he is moving sooner and Im just loosing it when I should be rejoyicing it because now rather then waiting for the next 2 months. Man oh man what is wrong with these people!! And what I wouldnt give to talk to the OW's H you know. My H thought I was controlling boy does he have a rude awaking because it sounds to me that right now what ever OW tells H to do he does!!

LF

[So Very Tired]

Lost I am sorry to hear this...but I am glad that you managed not to breakdown in front of your husband! Whatever happens you will look back on that and be proud of the way you comported yourself. There were a few moments when I pretty much prostrated myself in front of my husband and begged him not to leave me...when I think back on those moments the person I am most angry with is myself! I think back to those times and wish I had done exactly what YOU just did! But I have to forgive myself for that and move on. He may or may not come back...but if he does come slinking back he will remember that you were calm and in control of yourself...And even if he doesn't come back he does not have the satisfaction of a memory of you crying as he walked out the door.

[LostInFL]

I know I cant bank on the thought that he will come to his senses and come back here and realize that he had a good family here worth saving but I think a part of me will feel like that for awile you know. I have also decided to sell the house because if I really need to start moving forward in my life without H in it then I cant do it in the house we bought together and started a life together in and I think Im going to File for D as well since he has made this decision I need to protect S3 you know
LF

[So Very Tired]

I feel for you. Right now I am in a place where if my husband threatens me with D again, I won't fight it at all. GO if you want to!
And pay for it too! But I know what you mean about protecting yourself. They are doing horrible things to begin with and then when money enters the picture....forget about it!
I have read some sick stories of husbands losing their minds in divorce and trying to "kill" their wives...I am glad you are thinking ahead.

[mem]

Well I have seen a picture of OW on the internet, and she is not all that. I found out where she worked (before DB/DR days , and saw her profile.) So it is definitely not looks. My husband has still told me he thinks I am a beautiful woman.

Girls, it's not looks, its how they FEEL. How we made them feel, and their own issues about how they make themselves feel. Right now, it is all about them.

LIF- I totally relate to the pg thing. My second, now S4 was hard to conceive. We got into the sex rut to make a baby, not make love. Emotional highs and lows etc., it took us about a year to get pg the 2nd time (D8 was a first month try.)

Funny, as I think about it, that is around the time H said feelings started to slide. I never put that together before, thank you.

Actually, I have talked to OW. My C said he thought I should call her from a christian woman to a christian woman. I still pray for both H and OW.

Don't hate OW, it adds fuel. It's not entirely her fault either, our H's are just as responsible unless OW tied them up and had her way with them. OW is just as lost and confused if she thinks it's o.k. to start a R with a married man with a family (or even no family yet). Eventually H will generally come around.

Stay focused on growing yourself, and being a good parent. H will eventually see his errors, that it is easy being in a R with no realy responsibilities. I think a lot of this is just escape from all of the hard stuff of life. That will not change in the next R, it will just be with a new person. One day they will have to figure out that they cannot run from reality. Hopefully they will figure it out before the get a D.

Love you all, and reading your posts, you all really help me a lot.

[LostInFL]

mem
yeah I never realized how much our ttc'ing for baby #2 really effected our love life and I do remember comments that H used to say and I just shrugged it off as nothing but it really did matter to him. Those are just some of the errors I made in the R that Im now realizing although it maybe to little to late, it will be hard to db while he is 400 miles away thats for sure. And I know its not about looks because he even said to me after we S and I have actually lost almost 40lbs in the last 4 months and he comments on how good Im looking and so if I looked that good then he would be back right, but OW is filling those Emotional needs that are more important to the looks. And yes it will now be my time to reflect on me now I dont have to worry about seeing H 2 times a week but just 2 times a month instead.
And all your advice really does help me get through the day and glad whatever I say helps you too!
I called lawyer today and I have to come up with $1900 to get the D petition started and have H served before he leaves the state on Thur. So my sister gave me the $$ so I can do this, now H has to respond to the petition within 20 days once he is served.

LostInFl

[mem]

LIF - Why did YOU file? If H wants the D, HE should file. Make him own up to HIS responsibilities , and make HIM make the hard decisions to end your M. Granted, you still have however long it takes for a D to finalize to DB, but you are helping the process along. Can I ask why?

My stuff

[LostInFL]

H wont file says he has no $$ for a lawyer to do it himself. And with him moving out of state I dont know if I will get any $$ from him for our S3 so I thought it best to get something in the court system. I have told him if he wants the d he can file and then he says I have no $$ he says he wants a D but doesnt want to pay the $$, but what he doesnt realize is he is going to be paying for 1/2 of my legal fees. And how can I DB to him being 400 miles away in the arms of a very controlling OW??? I just realize that no matter how much I do love him, and he knows this he has made no attempt in the last 4 months to even try to fix this he has no interest in it what so ever. I even told him that if that other family is the family he wants then no matter how much it pains me i will give him his freedom to have that new family...his comment...well I appreciate that.
LostInFl

[LostInFL]

H took S3 this past weekend and after he left our house he stopped at a friends house and spoke with friends mom. (Her and I have talked alot H doesnt know this) and he proceeded to tell her that I was adjusting well, that I was dating and that I was fine. She didnt say anything just agreed with him. She said he looked so sad and all she wanted to do was give him a hug but she refused to do that. Also told her that finacially its better for him to go to NC now since he is paying rent there and here so better to go now and since things arent going well at his work either here (which he is causing that of course) Told friend that he was taking S3 to party on Sat OW's brother something like that but OW didnt come down for it???? H is going to a family function of the OW without the OW? Does the OW not have any interest in meeting S3??? Oh and he also referred to the party is at the "in laws" so he is already perceving her family as the "in laws" man did that make me feel like sh*t!!! And the OW cant even file for her D until July '05 (NC law to be S for a year before filing D) and who knows how long theirs will take, there is a business involved there.
LostInFl