It has been a long time since i posted, but i think i need to get some stuff out of my head. It has been one year and one month since H left and 8 months or so since he returned to our M.
On the home front things 'appear' good. H and i are together and moving forward, but i don't know if i really am.
I fought so very hard to recover this M. I applied Dbusting and it worked, but now i often wonder if it is what i want. H is trying so very hard to make this M work. He has done everything i have asked him to do and then some. He has come so far personally and i think it's great and i'm proud of him for doing it, but........
I find myself in a strange place. I think i might be getting a touch of WAS syndrome. Is this because of the walls i have built myself, the distance and detachment from the M i put there inorder not to be hurt? I rarely find myself looking at my H and think 'what a good looking man, i just want him!!', i used to feel this all the time. Now i don't think this about any man. Sure when we have sex, it is great, but rarely do i feel the like i can be bothered! I know that i have love for my H, but what does that mean?
Right now, I'm living in a different state to my H, because of work (I'm in the navy and currently on a ship which is away alot), I love to go home and do often infact every chance i get which has been at least once a month but mostly just for a couple of days. But i look forward to seeing my dog more than H! We talk via email and phone a lot, but we run out of things to say on the phone, whereas i can talk to my sister and friends for hours! What does this mean?
I don't really miss him, but at the same time i do! The frustration of it all. Poor H is trying everything, and i think that he believes that he is in danger of losing me. He has even reading relationship resue and other books, which is very different of him, but still this does nothing for me.
He has no danger of me leaving him, i just wouldn't do that, but i think we are in danger of spending out lives in an R that just isn't very fulfilling for either of us. Again i think this might be my fault, i just don't know how to let down these walls and trust. I don't know how to feel the love he is giving (H shows love by buying presents) I wish that he could comfort me, but he just isn't able to and nothing that he does seems to be enough for me. But it is almost as if i don't need him, well i don't but i do want him and i want to have a great marriage with him. I know we could have this, if only i could find the key to my discontent. Where do it come from?
I recognise that he is doing what he can or at least what he thinks is needed to make me feel secure, he even wants us to start an reconnect financially (we have been financially independant since he left and have maintained that since his return). It makes me feel uncomfortable when he talks about this, but i don't know why.
Is my fear of being hurt holding me back? Is it because we just didn't have time to reconnect properly before i had to leave with work? I just don't know and i wish some one could give me the answers.
I have tried goals, which worked so very well for me when we were sep. and yes they still work well for me professionally and in my personal goals, but not in my R goals.
How is it that i could apply dbing so well to myself, but now that i have an R again i can't apply it to that????? Dbing saved me when he left, but now i need to find a way to save us now that we're back together.
I really do think that i'm so very distant from him, i don't even know what to get him for an anniversary gift, i have no idea of what would show him that i love him and make him feel that love..... but then i don't know of anything that he could get me that would convey that to me.
I just feel a little lost in the whole thing.
We are moving at the end of this year. I will be shore posted and H is moving to join me. I am hoping that this will be a chance for us to have a new beginning. A new house with no bad memories, a new place where, although i have many friends, we will be forced almost to spend time together. a new position ofr me that will mean i will have the time to give my R and H the time they deserve.
But i don't want to wait, i'm sick of being patient and waiting for things to get better, i want them to be better now. I want to feel love for my H, i want us to never run out of things to say, i want there to be passion between us always. I want to know what i have to do in order to get this!!!!
ARRGGG I just don't know what to do to move forward on a more intimate and deep level. As i said, on the surface all looks well and it sort of is, but for me deep inside, it isn't and i think that H would be shocked at my level of discontent, even as I am shocked by it.
Hi Korms - I'm glad you posted - it gives everyone a chance to chime in. Also, many of the thoughts you struggle with resonate with me, and I daresay several others here whoa re trying to get through this phase of piecing.
Quote: i might be getting a touch of WAS syndrome. Is this because of the walls i have built myself, the distance and detachment from the M i put there inorder not to be hurt?
And in your case, the physical distance is probably an added factor. For me, I have ups and downs, sometimes I know this is where I want to be, and other times, I feel, well, I know I'm stronger, is this REALLY where I want to be
I'll post some more after reading your history. Slowly
Happy to see an update from you (tho' of course not happy to see that it's to unstick you!).
Quote: I fought so very hard to recover this M. I applied Dbusting and it worked, but now i often wonder if it is what i want. H is trying so very hard to make this M work. He has done everything i have asked him to do and then some. He has come so far personally and i think it's great and i'm proud of him for doing it, but........
This is so great!!
Quote: I find myself in a strange place. I think i might be getting a touch of WAS syndrome. Is this because of the walls i have built myself, the distance and detachment from the M i put there inorder not to be hurt?
Well, clearly, I have no easy answers for you but I do recall that after "crisis mode" was over for me and my M, I found myself having my own "mini-crisis" -- all of a sudden I was depressed and wondered if the M was "holding me back" or "what I really wanted", etc.
For me it was because I had spent SO MUCH time looking outward and focusing on getting the M back that I had neglected many of the things that made ME feel good about ME (in fact, since I had scrutinized every area of myself and my life in the DB'ing process I think I had lumped some positive things that I had in my life under "potential suspects for driving h away" -- do you know what I mean?) So...I found that I had to reset on ME and MY LIFE and MY GOALS, etc.
Did you also stop doing the things that meant much to you during DB'ing?
Quote: I rarely find myself looking at my H and think 'what a good looking man, i just want him!!', i used to feel this all the time. Now i don't think this about any man. Sure when we have sex, it is great, but rarely do i feel the like i can be bothered! I know that i have love for my H, but what does that mean?
I dont' want to get too much into "analysis" mode but I'm wondering...is it possible that you are angry or resentful of h for what you guys went through and that's blocking the positive feelings?
Quote: We talk via email and phone a lot, but we run out of things to say on the phone, whereas i can talk to my sister and friends for hours! What does this mean?
If you and your h are anything like me and my h is just means that WORDS don't really cut it for you...that ACTION and BEING TOGETHER is the glue...and so the distance factor may be impacting you and your good feelings (whereas I can chat forever with sis or friends but not NEED to get together to feel good).
Quote: I don't know how to feel the love he is giving (H shows love by buying presents)
But is that how you FEEL love? Have you read "the five love languages"?
Quote: How is it that i could apply dbing so well to myself, but now that i have an R again i can't apply it to that?????
I've felt similarly...I've struggled for months now with goals to "improve" the R -- I'm finding that it just takes time to really refine them to be workable...
Quote: I really do think that i'm so very distant from him, i don't even know what to get him for an anniversary gift, i have no idea of what would show him that i love him and make him feel that love..... but then i don't know of anything that he could get me that would convey that to me.
I just feel a little lost in the whole thing.
Hmmm...is it possible that you're grieving for your "old" marriage? IOW, I really struggled with the "I'll never be in a m that has been completely faithful" and for some reason that REALLY bothered me...it took me a while to respect the "new" marriage that was stronger for the storms it had weathered...
Quote: But i don't want to wait, i'm sick of being patient and waiting for things to get better, i want them to be better now. I want to feel love for my H, i want us to never run out of things to say, i want there to be passion between us always. I want to know what i have to do in order to get this!!!!
When was the last time you felt gleeful about being with h? What were you doing then?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for linking some of my old threads, i had a quick read and it helped me to realise just how far we have come! Boy there where times when i was in such pain! But now i hardly remember what that was like, but i think that humans are built that why, otherwise we would only have small families!
Sage,
You always have the most thought provoking things to say.
I too think that it is great that H is putting in such effort.
I didn't so much stop doing things when i was in the midst of the crisis i just stopped doing everything!!! After H left, that was the time i spent getting myself back on track. I rediscovered so many of the things that i loved to do and i tried a lot of new things, 180's. Since he has been home though, and being at sea, it makes it difficult to do much of your outside interests, this is one of the reasons I'm looking ofrward to my next posting. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and find it to be very fulfilling, but it does tend to take over your life when your at sea!
I think that i do harbour resentment towards H, but i try to banish it. There is just no point playing the 'what if' game, so i try to go with the this is now! However there are days when i could just rage at him for what he inflicted on our M. In the long run, though, i think we have a real oppertunity here to build the R we want to have, i think that it is just a matter of defining what that is! This is where i think a Counselor may help us. That will come later.
What i may have to do is look at the last 6 months as a bit of settling time. It has been time for the dust to clear and for us both to settle back to being together. I think the next 12 months will be the time for us to really beable to get down and dirty.
I know that i can talk about things much better now and that i don't get as upset or attacking as i once did. Not that i have done that, as i have applied the 'Does this move me closer to where i want to be?' with regards to R talks...... but i think that if we are going to move forward then we are going to have to start examining OR and looking at where we want it to be and making plans (goals) to get us there.
As you can tell, I feeling better today!! Still a bit stuck, but i have my patience back.
I think i need to reread DR and look at getting back to basics.
My love laugages are Conversation and acts of service. I know this and so does he, but for both of us it is difficult to talk the others laugage! I think i need to make more of an effort to converse in his!
Thanks for listening, more comments are welcome, because i am still stuck in the place i was above, but feeling alot more optomistic today.
I think to feel closed with your H again, you need to open up yourself. Break the wall that you built to protect you last time. Only if you are not afraid to show your vulnerability, you able to feel intimate again with your H.
My W has left 2 weeks ago. So I start a new life with my two children. I am OK now. Coping well as a single parent. Life goes on.
Hi Lee - I've not yet had the courage to go back and read my posts from the begining, the hurt is still a little raw. But I do hope to find what you did, that there has been tremendous personal and relationship growth.
Quote:
My love laugages are Conversation and acts of service. I know this and so does he, but for both of us it is difficult to talk the others laugage! I think i need to make more of an effort to converse in his!
Perhaps a re-frame may help. What if you met someone for the first time, and want to keep good contact going. It would be natural to reach out in their language, right? I think Michele's notion of being friends kicks in here too. We allow inhibitions to set in because we expect x and y from our 'spouse' - but we'd probably find it a lot easier to find easy ground if we were with friends. I too struggle with this, and hope to try this approach
Well I'm home on leave at the moment, and things are ok. It was our seventh wedding anniversary on Monday and H got me some lovely flowers and then took me out for dinner. This was really unusual for him. He normally goes with the very extravent gifts and this time he didn't.
I sort of annoyed me. I was thinking 'After all we've been through, all you could get me was a bunch of flower???' weird eh. At least it wasn't the none event it was last year. But you know, a gift doesn't mean that much to me, i mean it is nice to get them, but for me it needs to mean something.
Any hoo, we had a lovely dinner and so it was a good night. I still don't feel right and maybe I'm not supposed to yet. Time and patience. well I've got plenty of time!!! Once again i need to start doing and less talking about it. If I want a loving relationship then i need to do stuff to make it more loving.
I just want to feel content and happy with my H. I know we had that before and thus we can have that again. I picture us in another 12 months and i see us smiling and laughing and just loving being together, so i guess that I'll aim for that.
YOu may have too big expectation from your H. If you prefer a bigger gift, I suggest that you tell him. Don't leave it to him to guess. I know I am not a mind reader. It is very difficult to be a mind reader.
I would feel very happy in your situation, if I could take my W out in our anniversary. But it is over for me now. I am moving on with my life. You need to do the same thing to your H too if you want him to be more loving to you. Loving R is two ways. One way street does not work.
