Can someone on the board please explain to me in day to day people talk what differentiation is? I have now read both TSSM and PM once and I am starting to read them again today slower... I just need a little clarification is all.....
Thank you for any responses. I have a tendency to stop conversations on this board so.... I am a little gunshy about asking.
Quote: Can someone on the board please explain to me in day to day people talk what differentiation is? I have now read both TSSM and PM once and I am starting to read them again today slower... I just need a little clarification is all.....
Thank you for any responses. I have a tendency to stop conversations on this board so.... I am a little gunshy about asking.
Dear Grl,
The technical definition is holding onto yourself in the presence of someone else. Whatever that means.
It's hard to define without understanding fusion. This is when you act out of anticipation of someone else's reaction. If you keep from saying important things to your spouse about yourself because you are afraid of rejection, that is fusion. If you tell your spouse important things about yourself in spite of that fear, that's diffusion. Then if you do get a negative reaction, how you react to the reaction is another opportunity for differentiation.
An important factor is how close you are to the other person. It can be a friend, daughter, father, or spouse. And the closer you are, the more likely you are to be fused, and the harder it is to be differentiated.
When we are fused, we allow others' reactions to change us into an unnatural shape, to distort us away from being ourselves. Differentiation is the ability to hold onto that essense that is you while dealing with others. This doesn't mean separating yourself from others: this is just a different form of fusion, like the way adolescents react to their parents.
It also means acting with integrity. If a LD spouse decides to ML with their S out of fear that he will leave, or just to get him to shut up, then this is fusion. If a LD spouse decides to ML with his S out of love and compassion, even if he really doesn't feel like it, then it is differentiation.
It's important to remember that change can be compatible with differentiation. If you change out of reaction, it's fusion. You are allowing someone else to distort your essence. If you look inside yourself and decide that you can change your behavior to your own and the other person's benefit and that these changes are consistent with your essence, then you are differentiated.
Hope this helps.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Good to see you've gotten some kind of explanation. JustJenny wrote a great post a while back, maybe if someone remembers and can post a link, that would help you.
Meanwhile, I'll give it a try. I teach musicians, so I'll use that as an analogy. A young pianist gets a lousy critique from a very respected musician. 'That was bad playing'. The young pianist has two choices - he can think, gawd, he's right, I'm bad, why do I even try...I mean this guy knows everything, if he says I'm bad, why should I bother?'
Or - he can look at himself in the mirror 'You know, I didn't warm up very well today, and I really still don't understand this piece. It's not really ready for performance...and you know, I'm a little dissapointed, this guy is supposed to be a great teacher, why didn't he give me any specific information?' Now, if the student is really differentiated, he may even go back and ask the musician to be more specific, and probably gain the musician's respect in the end (or he could just be a jerk, but in either case, the student's far better off here)
Differentiating is standing up for yourself. Looking at yourself in the mirror, and seeing who you are, and what you bring to any relationship. It gets harder, of course, the more important the other person in the relationship is to you. To go back to the musician, if a fellow student had made the same comment, the pianist might have just shrugged it off, and thought 'He must be having a bad day'. It's easy when there's not much involved to 'hold on to yourself'.
If you guys will bear with me a little, I've been wanting to put these thoughts down for a while, so I'm going to continue...
Long before I read Schnarch, I was 'teaching' by showing the kids that they were responsible for what came out of the tube. I'm always amazed that even the kids that seem really motivated to learn are often convinced from the beginning that they can't (this may be cultural in my case, at least somewhat). 'I can't do that!'
When I tell them, 'I know you can't, that's why you're here!' They look at me funny. I sometimes have to really 'put them into a crucible' before they'll actually play the note for me, to prove their belief wrong. When they do it, they get this amazing look on their face. I love helping a kid get over a hurdle, just for that look.
Now that they've done it once, they own it. There's no way they can go back and say 'I can't!!' Once you've gotten over that hurdle, you have to admit that the choice of repeating that skill (or not) is yours. Once you realize that YOU are responsible for your actions, thoughts, feelings, and how you respond to the actions thoughts, and feelings of others, it puts a great responsibility on your shoulders. You can't put the blame on anyone else any more. It's up to you. If you're brave enough, it gives you a great freedom: noone, nothing is stopping you from fufilling that dream.
The technical definition is holding onto yourself in the presence of someone else.
A big part of "holding onto yourself" is simply keeping your cool. After years of marriage, spouses become masters at pushing each others' buttons. I may interpret an innocent-sounding comment from my W as a dig or a criticism. How I respond, is, of course, totally up to me. I could escalate and let my angry side take over, accusing her of this, that and the other. I could let the comment go or perhaps turn it in a direction I want to go. This requires keeping your cool, not falling into the trap of previously learned behaviors. Not letting your spouse dictate your feelings and actions.
Easier said than done, right? I personally feel that a key to holding onto yourself is taking care of yourself on many levels. If you are easily agitated when you drink, don't drink. If you argue more when tired, get a bit more sleep. The key is making yourself better so you can weather the storms that surely will come. Posting on this board and reading posts has helped me prepare for the difficulties that lie ahead. Reading has helped, too.
A differentiation song:
You, when you're on the road must have a code that you can live by.
I think differentiation is essentially a process of growth and maturity, of arriving at a place where we function out of integrity. I have been differentiating all along, except that it was incremental and I often slipped back into my undifferentiated ways. In 1998, I wrote in my journal that I had come to the heartbreaking realization that my husband would never desire me in the way I wanted to be desired. This was a major step, but I didn’t know what to do with it and so I slipped back into hitting my head against the same brick wall for another six years.
Differentiating applies to all of our relationships, but I will use my marriage to illustrate how I have tried to apply the principles. I hope this helps you.
Differentiating, for me, means holding onto myself. This manifests in many different ways. It means that I have to look deep inside myself to try and define who I am and what things are important to me. It also means communicating this to my husband and often drawing a line in terms of what I can or cannot accept from him. It means that I have to confront myself and admit to my weaknesses and how I interact with my husband in order to avoid confronting those weaknesses – my insecurity, my selfishness, my lack of respect, my inability to give.
It means looking at the world, and my relationship with my husband in particular, from that part of me that is true and strong. Let me give you an example. I will use a topic that was recently discussed – pornography. My H has always been pretty open about the fact he might look at porn to get himself in the mood. I could choose to let my insecurities about my own body image take over and become anxious about the fact that he needs more than me to be turned on. Or I could look at it from a position of strength, knowing my H’s character, and realize that he is merely using a tool in his arsenal to meet my needs. I asked him to put me on his list and he did. It really is that simple.
It means the following. Stay cool. Speak the truth. Listen. Do not react. Do not let his anxiety affect me. Our conversations have become much more calm and productive as a result of this.
Differentiating means learning to soothe myself when I am anxious, angry or hurt. Usually, I try to look deep inside to find the source of my anxiety, anger or hurt. I find that it often comes back to my weaknesses, not any one else’s actions. I also try to remind myself of the good things. For example - my H told me wistfully a couple of months ago that he had forgotten how much fun this (sex) was. A few days ago, when, in an anxiety ridden state, I asked him if he had ever been madly in love with me, he looked genuinely surprised and said that he was still madly in love with me. Some time ago, he told me that his wishes for me were very simple – he wished for me to be a loving wife, a loving mother, and to be happy and secure. He has told me a million times that I am the best thing that happened to him. So I hold on to these positive thoughts and it helps me soothe myself.
Differentiating means accepting that being ‘out of sync’ with him is a normal part of the marital system.
Differentiating means trying to overcome the weaknesses that drive my negative thoughts and actions. Sometimes I try to let my actions lead my feelings on this. Some of the positive actions that I have taken over the last few months include: love him in the way he wants to be loved without opening the ledger book to see what I get back in return, respect his views and agree to disagree, give him space, do not expect him to soothe my anxieties, appreciate the things that he does and let him know etc. etc.
In the ultimate analysis, we are all solitary creatures. We arrive and depart from this world alone. While we are here, we form relationships, but those relationships don’t define us. We are defined by our own inner core, and that must remain strong in order for the relationships to be healthy.
Thank you all for your responses and all your wisdom. This process is really difficult and I now that T_L and I are really struggling to get this issue resolved. We figure it has taken 5 years to get it this way so it might to an equal amount of years to fix it. But we are in this together and reading what all you have been through and the successes and failures are all helping us too. Thanks again all!!
Thank you for your explanantion....I really feel like i totally understand it now..... I just need to implement it into my life and I am not so sure I can.
In my world it seems like if I were to stand up for what I want, while being close to my H....I am still compromising my needs? Does that make sense? Or am I still not getting it?
Quote: In my world it seems like if I were to stand up for what I want, while being close to my H....I am still compromising my needs? Does that make sense? Or am I still not getting it?
Standing up for what you want in the presence of your H is exactly what we are talking about, as long as he has a say in addressing your issues. That's what makes it so difficult. That's why it's easier, but less effective, to write him a note than to tell him to his face. That's why it's easier to separate, physically or emotionally, than to stand up for your issues in his presence. You will be afraid of his reaction, as well you should be. But you musn't allow his reaction to diminish your resolve or make you overreact.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
