H stayed home during the week again, on Friday night he told me he was going out (with OW). I said okay and left to go shopping. I was on my way home and H called me, said that he was back home again and asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I said okay and we went for drinks. I don't know why he didn't go with OW...We avoided R discussions except at one point H told me that I always make him feel better, that I always am able to calm his fears, but that he needs more? H got drunk and then he told me to stop taking the birth control pill, that he needs something to force him to break away from 'her'... I told him we need to discuss this another day. The next day he told me that he was acting a bit desperate the night before and that I should stay on the pill until we figure out if we are going to work out or not. I agreed.
We spent most of saturday lounging around the house, we were kissing at one point and he told me to give him a hickey...(I am usally terrible at doing this, but not that day...) I left a big one on his neck. Later that day he told me that he is trying to spend less time with OW. He said that OW cries for him all the time. He also told me that he is very sad. I didn't comment about the OW and just listened. H told me that he had to go out tonight, but he hoped to be home early.
He showed up early the next day (this is the first time in 3 weeks that he stayed over at her place). I wasn't too upset cause I know that there was no way for OW to miss that hickey on his neck. I know that she believes that there is nothing happening between H and myself, so now she can see that there still IS something between us....
H and I were hugging together on the couch and he told me that he missed me last night and couldn't wait to hug me. H told me that he thinks that MAYBE he should end things with OW. He said that he knows he has to make a decision. He told me that he is trying to be 'difficult' with OW so that she will stop caring about him so much. I told him that he should just tell her that he can't see her anymore. He said he can't stop cold turkey, he told me that he loves her very much and she loves him very much, and that it would be way too much for him to handle right now if he were to end things abruptly, especially since he is really stressed about his new job.
I said I understand. H said that he realizes he has to come back to me because he can't see me hurting anymore. He said that since 'I' can't let go of him, he is coming back. I asked him why he thinks I won't let go of him. He said because I have not moved on, I have not dated or talked to other guys. He also said that he doesn't want me to be miserable for the rest of my life because of him. He knows that I am older and that I might not be able to start over with someone else in time to have kids and a family etc... (I had told him this was one of my fears). He said OW is 7 years younger than me, and she will have no problem finding someone else. He said that he knows he and OW would be happy together but he feels that he owes it to me to try and make things work between us. Plus he does still love me very much.
I told him that he needs to understand that things wouldn't work between him and OW, that their whole relationship was based on a lie, and that he continues to lie to her etc... He said that they love each other so he knows it would work. I reminded him that we loved each other too, and it wasn't enough, that there is more to making a relationship work than love. He started to get defensive so I dropped it.
H also said that he is not 100% sure about what he is doing, that he could change his mind again (he seemed exasperated with himself). I told him I understand that.
Personally I think that there are a few things happening here:
H has finally realized that he can't be happy at the same time he is hurting me, and potentially our son.
H says that he is coming back because of MY inability to let him go, I think he is just using that as an excuse, I think that he realizes that things will be way too complicated for him if he leaves me for OW (finances, our son, our families etc...) Also, I don't think he can live with the guilt.
H is trying to break away from OW, but he can't let go easily...
H told me that if things do work out with us, he wants us to have children right away (this was one of the problems we had before). I agreed. We had some conversations about what our baby would look like, we also talked about some stuff we wanted to do to our home in the future.
I am not changing my focus, I have heard similar things from H before, although this is the closest he has come to coming back to me. I have to be careful to continue to db and keep my changes permanent.
I hope that H can resist the pull of OW...It bothers me that he thinks that things would work out between them, I don't know if he actually believes that or if he is just fooling himself. I know that if he actually accepts the fact that he and Ow won't work as true, he would have less trouble letting her go. Oh well, that is his problem. I guess I will just have to be patient. Now that we have moved on to this new stage, I will have to take stock of how things are progessing. If I find that things are dragging on too long, I may have another talk with him or do something differently...
Wow, took me a while but I finally read all your posts. I'm very impresed by the way you handle yourself. If something comes up that I think is note worthy, I will certainly post it.
Very sorry that I disappeared for awhile. We were told not to cut down on internet use at work and I can't post from home. I guess there have been many improvements, yet I am not enthusiastic.
I will post more details later. Quick summary - H started working with my company in November, he needed to do a lot of reading and learning for his new job, he basically spent the entire month of november reading while I helped out doing stuff at home for him. I know he really appreciated my help. He went out with OW 4 times, 2 times he came back after a couple of hours.
I read one text from her telling him that her 'heart is breaking'. And another one saying that she loves him with all her heart and doesn't know what she is going to do. One night she called him about 25 times within one hour and he didn't answer the phone. I didn't say anything to H about what was going on.
Then finally in the beginning of December H told me that he has come to point in his life that he thinks he should stay with me and try to make things work. He said its because he believes he 'owes it to me'. Meanwhile I know that he is doing it because he knows deep down that things will not work out with OW because of 'real life' - ie his family, my family, our son, home etc... He won't be able to deal with all the disappointment and turmoil us splitting up will cause. He also knows that OW won't last too long living with his mom (hahahha). He says that he does love me, and maybe he can fall back in love with me one day. He also said that he wants us to try to start a family in a few months or so (april). BUT he said that he needs me to give him time to end things with OW. He said that he is too stressed out from work to handle it now. He said he is slowly trying to spend less time with her and he is being 'difficult'. Well it is true, he only went out with her once in december, and he spent the entire christmas holidays at home with us. And he is spending way less time talking to her one the phone. At new years he told me that this will be a good year for us.
HOWEVER, there are many things that are disturbing me about this situation. He still says 'I love you' to her on the phone, he texted her on boxing day saying he missed her.
I confronted him about this and he said that I need to let him do this 'his way'. I didn't want to argue so I backed off. I think he is waiting for OW to break up with him cause he rarely sees her, But logically, how can he expect her to do this when he still tells her he loves her etc... She isn't very bright to begin with and he has tried to break up with her before and she kept hanging on to him. Why would she think this time is any different?
That is one thing I am concerned about - how long is it going to take? If he keeps seeing her, maybe she will suck him back in - especially since he tells me that he is coming back to me in spite of the fact he believes that he still loves her? Also, I know that he can't heal and get over her until he cuts off contact, that means he can't fully concentrate on our relationship.
He is also starting to hint that he still is 'not in love with me', and that he is 'trying'. I keep telling him that until OW is out of the picture, there is no way he can fall in love with me.
H has also expressed concern about the changes I've made, saying he is scared things will go back to the way they were. He is also very critical of any mistakes or errors I make and has commented that 'I haven't changed' and that I am not 'trying'. It is very frustrating, cause I am working very hard not to do the things that made him resent me in the first place, but he seems to only notice the mistakes I make, not all the improvements.
I know from what I have learned here and from reading that he is trying to find an excuse for why we went wrong and can't fix things. He is trying to shift all the blame to me. But deep down he knows this is not true. He is even acting like I am the one making him break up with OW - however I quickly remind him that he is free to do what he wants, that I am not forcing him to do anything - I suffered for almost a year waiting for him to come back, I could have forced him back then but I didn't - I want him to come back on his own - I don't want him blaming me for the rest of our lives - a point I am very clear to him about.....Especially since he doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for what has happened. (at the beginning he blamed me, then a few months later he accepted responsibility for it, now he is blaming me again).
Anyways I will give more details later, I just am scared that things are going to be much harder now that he is focusing more on us.
Just came across your post, and boy, do you have a lot on your mind! Things are changing, good for you! However, before you let dear H back into your life you need to think of a few things first:
Are your 180's true to you, or are you doing them to get H back? Can you keep them up? I am concerned he keeps blaming you for everything. He is still in the denial stage. And by him letting the OW down slowly and keeping you wainting concerns me also. Keep yourself busy, don't ask any questions, and make sure you on moving on with or without him. The fact that he is wanting to come back is a great sign However, he needs to do it for the right reasons.
I would reccomend a good counselor. If he wants to come back, tell him you would like to talk about your relationship in front of a trained professional, if he is willing to do so. You can't fix him, he needs to recognize he has to fix himself. That is too much pressure for you. Do you really want him back if he is blaming it all on you?
I would go VERY SLOWLY with his returen back to you. Keep your wits about you, chin up, happy face one. Obviously, you have been doing a great job for him to reconsider Just don't rever to old ways. I did just that during xmas week when my H broke up with OW and he went running back. Now, less than a week later, he is hanging around here telling me how confused he is.. Yikes.. My happy face is on, and as Snodderly says, Let the games begin.
Good luck! Keep me posted..Keep your chin up..Remember, believe only half of what you see and none of what you hearbfrom this alien right now..Keep on keeping on!
