I sent the following e-mail to Ms. H-Dog this morning (thanks for the idea, Lillie and Corri!):
Quote: Dear Ms.HDog:
Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. Although I don’t plan to go to the synagogue, I will be praying for the forgiveness of those whom I have offended, and praying to find forgiveness to those who offended me. We have been guilty of acting more like adversaries than allies this year. It is my deepest hope that we can change that and work together, side by side, toward making our marriage a field of love and nurturing, rather than a field of battle. I love you, and hope that you can find room in your heart to forgive me for the things I have done which have eroded your trust and desire for me. I forgive you for the things you have done which hurt and distanced me from you. Love, Hairdog
Reserve your applause or jeers; here's her reply:
Quote: Dear Hairdog, I am sad, and concerned, that this is how you perceive the last year. While we have certainly had many fights during the last year, we have also had many instances of working together and being a loving family. Especially under the circumstances, and perhaps you still don’t fully appreciate how difficult adjusting to all the changes in my life has been for me, I think we’ve done pretty well. I wish you could remember the good times as well as you seem to remember the bad. I fear our marriage, no matter how good it is, will never be good enough for you, and neither will I. Love, Ms. H-Dog
Comments? Questions? (I have a few, but will reserve them for later). I just thought you might want to see something unfiltered by Hairdog's mood or memory.
HD's honey wrote: --------------- I am sad, and concerned, that this is how you perceive the last year. While we have certainly had many fights during the last year, we have also had many instances of working together and being a loving family. Especially under the circumstances, and perhaps you still don’t fully appreciate how difficult adjusting to all the changes in my life has been for me, I think we’ve done pretty well. I wish you could remember the good times as well as you seem to remember the bad. I fear our marriage, no matter how good it is, will never be good enough for you, and neither will I. ---------------
Translation.
"I need you to acknowledge the sacrifice and contributions I have made for and to this marriage. I also need you to accept less sex than you want"
Hairy should let her know how much he appreciates her contribution to the marriage, exactly how and when he is going to create vast emotional and physical distance between his family and his ex-wife, and that he and current wife simply must discuss the problems with their relationship - which for Hairy is mostly about sex.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I fear our marriage, no matter how good it is, will never be good enough for you, and neither will I.
She made everything you said about how YOU were feeling into something about her. In her mind, she sees the glass as half -full, and you see life as the glass half-empty, and if you could only adjust your view of things, wouldn't life be grand. This isn't about her being good enough, or her part of the marriage being good enough.
Again. A comparison. She cannot stay OUT of your shiit, and that is the problem. If she could, she would have responded in a manner akin to:
HD: It sounds like you are in a difficult place. How can we work together so that we can both be in a good place?
Hairy should let her know how much he appreciates her contribution to the marriage, exactly how and when he is going to create vast emotional and physical distance between his family and his ex-wife, and that he and current wife simply must discuss the problems with their relationship - which for Hairy is mostly about sex.
Ok, am I perceiving this correctly that HD has to distance himself from his kids???? I don't think that was in the origional contract.
Before even READING your wife's reply, I could have written it, probably 75% accurately, because she is exactly like my wife. Even such a sincere and classy e-mail such as the one you sent gets turned to a martyrdom reply, and specifically back to the one issue she keeps holding over you (the move).
It sukks to be you today, but then again I got a hurricane headed for my temporal lobe, so I'd better run.
Anette: I'm pretty sure NOP meant distance Hairdog's ex-wife from Hairdog's new family and kids.
HD: seems like your email might have been received as a bit of a non seqitur by your wife, who probably didn't think she needed to be forgiven for anything. She claims to be relatively content in the M, which makes it your problem if you're not happy. In her eyes anyway. It seems hard sometimes to make our spouses HEAR us. Also, she keeps mentioning how she is having a hard time adapting to the new life and how you don't understand how hard it has been. Remind her that you would like to work WITH her to make it less difficult?
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
HD, I think you've been presented with two very distinct ways of looking at this. Nop's way is about listening to what your wife says, acknowledging that there is information that is useful in it, and keeping the conversation going where both people are sharing their views and attempting to understand one another. Someone needs to start the ball rolling in that direction.
Corri's and CE's views will continue the adversarial relationship because Ms HD didn't say her point in just the right way or deal solely with your issues. She actually brought up some of her POV as well.
You pick, HD...continued adversarial relationship or conversation. Do you want the validation that your wife is just being manipulative and has no valid POV or do you want to start solving your problem?
Annette said: ---------------- Ok, am I perceiving this correctly that HD has to distance himself from his kids???? I don't think that was in the origional contract. ----------------
Nope. I would NOT suggest that someone get away from their kids.
HD's ex-wife needs to not be the third adult in his current marriage, and HD doesn't need to be playing referee between the two wives.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks, all. Here's my take. I wrote that e-mail in the spirit of conciliation. I think it accurately portrays both the struggles we have gone through, and my personal hope for a better future.
She, as Corri noted, turned it around, made it all about her, acts the martyr, the long-suffering wife and says that no matter how good it can be, it won't be good enough for Hairdog. I don't think a reasonable person could have observed us over the last year and said it has been a good year for the relationship. Yes, we have had times where we have worked together, etc., but the year has been peppered with many fights/arguments, and the threat of divorce.
I want to change that. I want a better year. But she is saying this is all in my head, that I will never be happy. Her self-image was probably somewhat wounded by my mention of "hurt and distance" in the last line, but I thought it important to tell her that I forgive her for that. Surely she cannot think that she has done nothing to hurt me? She threatened to call the police on me and tell them I was abusing her, just to get me out of the bedroom!
Sorry, I'm just really disappointed. I sent the email and was hoping for even a simple "I love you, too" back from her.
Quote: I fear our marriage, no matter how good it is, will never be good enough for you, and neither will I.
How on earth does he answer this? My wife has said this to me probably a dozen times, and there seems to be something in the LD personality that goes basically like this:
"Our current situation is bad, But you say you want it to get better. You've told me what YOU need for it to get better, And you've even asked me what I need from YOU. But any improvement I make to give you more of what you need, Because I know how far you'd ULTIMATELY like this to go, I feel like it won't be good enough. And therefore I can never truly make you happy, no matter how much I improve the in the desire/LM dept."
Isn't that pretty much what she's thinking, Hairdoggie?
I have tried to respond that ANY improvement in affection and desire -- even WITHOUT LM -- would be a big improvement, and would make me happy, and that I also KNOW that we can get back to an earlir place, because she has been that HD before. But it usually turns back into the circular "logic" outlined above.
