Quote: as being the HDW carries a definite stigma with it that I don't care to be known by.
Stigma? What stigma? I don't feel that there's a stigma attached to being the HDW. Is this a stigma that your friends have associated with you? Or do you feel that perhaps you've given yourself that stigma? I'm truly curious because I really don't feel there's a stigma attached with my being the HDW...but then again that could be because I wouldn't care if someone tried to pin one on me (I'm that type of a person though LOL).
I'm not trying to be flip about this...it's just been my experience (for me at least) that a stigma is only attached to me if I let it be attached to me...but that's just me ;-)
Probably so. I am outgoing & don't think of myself as a prude. It isn't prudishness that would keep me from discussing sex & marriage in personal specifics, it would be my sense of the golden rule - I wouldn't want to discuss personal NOP stuff with a group of people who knew us, anymore than I would want NOP discussing ME with a group of people who knew me. Especially if it was a bitching session. And I would be giving off "let's not go there" vibes & responses in any group where spouse-bashing became the coffee klatch topic.
GEL, The stigma I was referring to is the Mrs. Roper/Peg Bundy association.
The type of woman who is desperate, etc.
Plus, men automatically think if they hear of a wife who wants more sex than the husband that the wife must not be that attractive. The women that I have been exposed to think that I must somehow have it easier than they do, with childcare responsibilities or finances, etc. They are surprised to learn that this isn't the case--it is just simply that I like sex.
What else.....oh, I think the biggest one would be that all men are horny and if the husbands don't want sex, then the wife is doing something wrong. Either she nags him or she sucks in bed, whatever.
I don't really mind debunking myths (I have had to do it with a lot of other choices that I make in life, such as having babies at home) but this one feels personal somehow. I don't want people going home and speculating on me and my H's sex life and what it could be that I'm doing to turn him off, etc.
The fact is that not all men are horndogs, any more than all women have lower libidos than their mates. There is a whole spectrum of sexuality and I fall somewhere on the medium high section. There is nothing that I can do to change myself, and there is nothing that my H can do to change himself. We will just continue to work with each other and we will get through this marital disparity, I'm sure of it. I have no illusions about my H suddenly turning HD, although his desire level has shot up over the years simply because he stopped withholding and because he keeps it in his mind (due to my insistence that it stay a high priority) and THIS helps him remember to be horny.
That is about all the stigmas I can think of now...actually it is more of a stereotype than a stigma. There are just as many stereotypes about the fellas. I am fond of calling NOP a horny bastard but I know he must be a truly kind and gentle and wonderful man to have attracted the NOPlady.
Actually the main reason I don't talk about my SSM is that I don't want to embarrass my H. I haven't given my second sister details about my problems because I'm afraid she'd tell her HDH, though I did tell her I was p*ssed off that my H was hassling me about my weight because I knew she would say what she said which was "If my H wants to say anything to me about my weight, he better have his bags packed when he says it.". I talk freely about sexual issues that have more to do with just me or are more positive. For instance, I'll talk about "positions" or techniques that I enjoy.
Quote: There is a whole spectrum of sexuality and I fall somewhere on the medium high section.
LOL. Where did you get this info? Did you look on a chart and find your preferred frequency in the Medium High zone for women between 30 and 40?
I guess I would classify myself as Medium High too because I've known quite a few women with drives higher than mine. I once went on a camping trip with a few women one of whom was a true nymphomaniac. While the rest of us were setting up camp, she went up to the road and flagged down a car full of men she had never met before to join us at our fire. Within an hour she was in the tent with one of the men. The rest of us (luckily they were pretty nice guys) just sat around the fire totally embarrassed.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: To me that would be the equivalent of never wanting ice cream when you walk by the ice cream store or never craving chocolate if you haven't had some for a while etc..
Well, at least now you have some inkling what it means to be LD. Could you imagine if YOU were the one who felt like that? At least it isn't you trying to figure out where your desire for ice cream went...
all I can say is that you must be really thin!
seriously...I'm sure its been done before, buy my "D" is not any different than being hungry for food. a certain amount of time elapses, and I'm just hungry. My hunger for food has nothing to do with anything any external person says or does. It just shows up when the time comes. and sometimes, I may not be particularly "hungry", but I'll pass by an icecream shop, and think, "say, some icecream might be nice right about now.". and sometimes not. and sometimes, W might have a hankerin' for some icecream, and I'll just go along. but not very much time passes before I have to eat SOMEthing. and while it is possible for someone else to do or say something that might make me loose my appetite, it would have to be something quite horrific.
I can't imagine not feeling hungry until 10 minutes or so after I started eating. Like I said...you must be really thin!! -Chuck
Feel free to send forth ideas... please!! I'm not ready to declare that we are completely in the clear. ---------------
It sounds like you are well on the way though :-)
I do have something nagging at me, so as usual, I do have a couple of questions :-)
I am curious as to how your husband feels about all the changes in you. I know you can't speak for him, but you are sure to have some idea about how he feels.
I remember some of your earlier posts, and I was very impressed at the time that a 'LD' person was taking the lead in repairing the sexual part of their relationship. I know we are far beyond that in our understanding of relationships now, but I have wondered what your husbands initial reaction was in the immediate short term, and a couple of months after.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I am curious as to how your husband feels about all the changes in you. I know you can't speak for him, but you are sure to have some idea about how he feels.
It's been a long time since we've discussed this. I know how he felt about it about six months ago... and like I've said, if I don't ask, it doesn't come up. I'm sure he appreciates my efforts, but he has told me that it isn't enough (and that is when I decided that if my efforts weren't enough, then he was going to have to step up to the plate and start making efforts of his own). The other night when I turned him down, he said, "our love life sucks and it will always suck." He refers to our LM the other night as "we had fun."
Quote: I remember some of your earlier posts, and I was very impressed at the time that a 'LD' person was taking the lead in repairing the sexual part of their relationship. I know we are far beyond that in our understanding of relationships now, but I have wondered what your husbands initial reaction was in the immediate short term, and a couple of months after.
He smiled more, he laughed more, he was more easy going and more fun to be around. We talked more... and then he started getting these promotions at work and his stress levels went through the roof... then I was needed to help him reduce that stress, help him through it (which I am glad to help him, but there is only so much I can do).
However, when I did take the lead in getting our sex life back on track, he was happy to let me do so and be responsible for it. If our frequency started falling off, he'd say, "our frequency is falling off," meaning, wife, you need to do something about that.
While the short-term gains were all I could have hoped for, as time began to pass, I started getting resentful again... I stayed with it, though, until I figured out where my resentment was coming from... and I figured out why the sex dwindled in the first place, and why I was no longer willing to be the 'responsible' party for our relationship. I have no interest whatsoever in playing tennis by myself, and that is exactly what the relationship between husband and wife feels like to me. Not the day-to-day management of things, not the parenting relationship between us, OUR relationship. The one that is only he and I.
This weekend, we are going away for a night alone... meaning, without kids. Two friends of ours are going with us... the guys came up with the idea of going away... "the gals will go to a spa and shop and the guys will go golf. Then we'll all meet up later and go have dinner, etc." The guys have completely botched it and somehow I got left with planning the trip. Why am I doing it, you ask? Because I need to get some shopping done and I'd like to get a message. That would be kind of cool. I'm planning it for me.
But this is typcial. He'll expect kudos and take credit for the whole thing because it was his idea, but I'm the one left to do the work.
Is the picture beginning to emerge here?
The other night when I prompted him, I was still the one responsible. But like I said, I was so desperate and emotionally starved, I took what came and ran with it. I'm also hoping it was some kind of positive reinforcement for him... but again, unless I bring it up and ask, he never will.
Corri, Have you ever thought about doing the KLA tapes? I have to admit that I am very intrigued by them. I think it could help situations such as ours, in which resentment plays a big part in the breakdown.
Also, I am curious as to what 'might have been' had the promo not come along when it did. It seemed that things were on a good track until stress derailed your H.
Oh and I hear you on the weekend getaway. I too am the keeper of the relationship and it bothers me a great deal somedays. Other days, I just accept it as I accept his other strengths and weaknesses. Have a great time; I'm green with envy girl!
Honey, who'd kill for a decent massage about now..
that's very interesting Corri. I can totally relate to the one-sided effort making here - even though I am more motivated, I suppose, being the more HD spouse. I had a nice talk with my wife a few days ago where we talked about our marriage and where things were going, sex, etc. I won't go into details in your thread. But my point is (I think I have one) that in my case, I am the only one who makes efforts, the one who has to drive change. Whether it's about finances, or sex, or anything. There was a very telling moment in the convo where she said: "we have these talks 3-4 times a year, we talk about how our sex life sucks, and nothing changes." I know that she is not happy abour our sex life either, but she will not do anything about it. Or anything else that we both agree is not going well in our relationship. I always plan and 100% arrange the trips, plan the dates (get the baby sitters, make reservations, etc.), initiate talks about our relationship, and the list goes on. If I don't take the first step, and the second, and keep driving for something, it just does not get done, and we remain at the status quo. I'm tired of that. And I have not grown the cojones to put her square in her two-choice dilemma. Mostly because I am 90% sure she will just give up and opt to let me leave. Is that what your husband would do? Sounds like he complains about the lack of sex but is not willing to work to improve it. The lack of motivation for improvement baffles me - and makes me wonder if my own efforts are worth it.
Sorry, I ended up somewhat highjacking your thread.
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
