Well as usual my husband seemed to fake "not feeling well" on my birthday. Not just any birthday... 40!! I swear I just don't understand what is wrong. I feel so freaking cheated out of a NORMAL life whatever that is. It seems like whenever sex seems like the thing to do... he comes up with some ailment that takes the attention. Be it a headache, upset tummy...whatever. I was so upset last night that I didnt even bother to say good night Nothing. He woke up an hour early this morning and just laid there and stared at me...like he KNEW he had disappointed me and hurt my feelings. Hurt and disappointed doesnt even cover it anymore. I am ANGRY!!! I want to walk out and never look back but I love my husband and I just dont think leaving is going to make things better???? Our anniversay is on Sat and I can almost guarantee that not one single thing will happen. You see we had sex three times in a week while we were on vacation last week..... i guess we are home now so back to the OLD routine. I am still in the "bait and switch" bs. He shows me what our life could be like and then yanks it all away. Here is what you could have IF I CHOOSE to let you that is.....
We all have our Bad Birthday Stories here, along with our Bad Anniversary Stories. We've been there, done that. And yes, it really drives it home when a spouse does nothing to make your special day SPECIAL. Sorry to hear your 40th was so yucky. Mine was spent driving from Canon City, Colorado, to Columbia, Missouri, straight through.
I just wish I could get to a place in my head where it doesnt hurt so much... I try and make his life happy, comfortable all the creature comforts I can afford and ALL I ask for in return is a healthy, happy , sexual relationship. I deserve it right??? I think everybody was right about me ...in saying that I need to be my own person...exactly how does one go about doing that?
Me too...but unfortunately I am not holding on to any hopes at this point. I keep allowing myself to think that someday he will just pop back into the man i fell in love with but it has taken 5 years to make it this way and I am SURE it will take longer to fix it. I thought we were moving in the right direction with him asking me to read TSSM to him but I guess I was wrong.
I think too often we each get caught up in looking for changes in the other person, when really what we need to be doing is changing ourselves. That is the key to motivating them that we are serious, kwim?
Otherwise he will look at you and see you maintaining the status quo and think that he can do that, too.
When he sees that you are serious (serious enough to change yourself in whatever way you want/need to) he will know that he can't be complacent anymore.
Would it help you to find some things you really enjoy doing and engage in those activities? I enjoy dancing and showing my dogs. I take a dancing class one night a week and I am involved in a dog club. I also enjoy sewing and have made a whole room in my house for just that. When I get overwhelmed I go in there and work on any number of projects.
I'm not saying you should ignore your H, but take it from experience, begging, whinning, fighting about it won't change the "no sex" issue.
Quote: I try and make his life happy, comfortable all the creature comforts I can afford and ALL I ask for in return is a healthy, happy , sexual relationship.
You need to stop doing things in order to get laid that have nothing to do with sex. For instance, I'm sure your H appreciates it when you make him a nice meal, but I'm also sure that a bellyfull of lasagne isn't a turn-on for him. If this was the case the Food Network would be rated XXX. Even if he did ML to you because you made him lasagne, would you really want some horrible, grateful for lasagne "mercy" sex?
You need to decide whether having a decent sex life is more important to you than your marriage. Unfortunately, both you and your H are operating under the assumption that your H has a golden c*ck and he is the only man who could possibly satisfy you. On the one hand, this gives your H a lot of power over you. On the other hand, this puts him under a lot of pressure because he knows that he will have an unhappy wife if he can't be aroused in your presence. If you let him know that you intend to take responsibility for your own happiness and get laid whether or not he is up to providing the service, this will actually take the pressure off him and he will be more likely to have sex with you. However you can't fake this process and just pretend that you know how to be happy without your H's sexual attention. You really have to get to that point in order to be successful.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am not sure if I am doing anything differently yet? I thought I was by reading TSSM and trying to understand his side of things. We were talking about things but since we got home he stopped talking again and I feel like he expects me to do all the changing. He doesnt think he needs to change , he thinks I need to. My drive needs to not be so high because he just "cant " go there.
No kidding!! I think I have done more whining, begging etc in the last 5 years then I ever did whenI was little!! hehe. We are just getting farther and farther apart and I am getting closer and closer to leaving. I pray everyday that something miraculous will happen and he will see that he could have the BEST marriage ever..if he would just think what I need is as important as what HE needs.
