Mer- What a great start to a thread! Dealing with old resentments is where I'm at right now as well. Case in point - I was really grouchy last Saturday, and H wanted to go to his shop to get another carload of stuff, and to post a note with our numbe on it so people who wanted piercings could call. He said he'd be right back so I could go take some time for myself. He wasn't back an hour later, and I couldn't reach him at the shop. I had no idea where he went.
I got a little crazy - afraid, angry...and drove to the shop. I got there and the note was there, but the shop was closed, and Dustin's car was nowhere to be found. So I went back home, and there was a message on the answering machine from him saying he would be back in a few.
He got back and I was livid. I didn't just eat fish, I flame-broiled it and swallowed it whole. Apparently he decided in the middle of his drive home to drive out to Macon (20 minutes away) and visit his friend's dad to find out how his car was doing. And I asked him "couldn't you have stopped by the house and let me know?" He admitted he didn't even think about that.
Honestly, I reacted that way because I was afraid. It brought up my fears of abandonment, fears that I've made the wrong decision, etc. I was resentful because him disappearing like that without letting me know made me feel unimportant, especially when I told him I really needed to get out of the house.
So, it is really hard! He didn't have any intention of making me feel as badly as I did, but I was really angry with him! I handled it pretty badly (still better than I would have, but there was yelling). Anyway, if I had been taking care of myself the way I should have, that wouldn't have bothered me so much. It was inconsiderate of him, but my goal is to tell him this in a way that doesn't make me feel bad (i.e. yelling). Stuffing my feelings down doesn't seem to work, because they seem to expand when stuffed into small spaces (like water when it freezes!).
I am trying to learn to communicate how I feel in a way that makes me feel like I am getting my point across and being respected, and isn't ripping the other person down. For me, resentments and fears go hand in hand, and they all trace back to the same fear that "I am not important."
That's my $.02! Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Ah yes…feeling important. Seems like such a simple thing, no?
That is where a lot of my resentments lie also. I haven’t felt important, respected, loved, etc by my H’s past actions…and that causes my defenses to soar when I think I’m being put back into that position.
I guess the most important thing to do is to ask yourself how you want to remember this story tomorrow…in a week…month…whenever. Chances are, you’ll look back and wonder what the heck you were thinking by getting so upset by that little incident – I know I have thought that plenty of times. But when you’re in the thick of it, those old feelings seem so real and present that its terribly difficult to distinguish what IS from what WAS.
Maybe it would even help to remember that you (and me ) will be okay regardless of the choice that they make. So what if they drive off into the sunset, off a cliff, into the arms of an OW! We’re okay…we’re strong…we’re capable…and let’s not forget - we have survived that before.
One of the many books I’ve read over the past year spells out that any anger over a given situation is a result of an unresolved internal issue. The key is to identify that issue, resolve it, and leave it in the past. Sure, and just stand on one foot and juggle while doing all that, its that simple!
We’ll get there, Myrrh…we’ve got the right tools and the right support. It’s just a matter of practice!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Quote: That is where a lot of my resentments lie also. I haven’t felt important, respected, loved, etc by my H’s past actions…and that causes my defenses to soar when I think I’m being put back into that position.
I think we both sometimes forget something very important. WE are the only ones who can make us feel loved, respected, and important. Because even if our H's are wonderful and make us feel cherished 75% of the time, that 25% might be the thing that makes us feel unimportant, unloved, and just generally like crap.
The thing I am doing differently now is examining my resentment, and my feeling unimportant, and being afraid, and asking myself "are YOU loving you?" Am I cherishing myself in the way that I need to be cherished, that only I can do because I am the only one that's inside this heart and head and body? (wow, lots of "ands") A lot of times, that fear of being unloved is because I don't feel very secure in myself at that point. So I react from a very hurt, very childlike, and very angry place. When I feel centered and good about myself, I am much more likely to a) let whatever the annoying incident is slide because it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, or b)let whoever it is that's stepping on me know in an assertive way "this is what I need from you. can you do that?"
It's not so much about what my H "should" do - it's about what I need him to do. But I hate saying that I need things, especially "I need help." I don't like feeling that vulnerable and naked. I would rather be the pissed-off all-powerful wife who has been disappointed by the shlock husband yet again. It's easier than admitting that I love my H and that sometimes I can't do it alone.
And also, I am really thinking a lot about good ways to put my hurt regarding my H's past actions to rest. You used to talk about needing a renewal of vows from your H before he moved back...my H and I have talked some about getting married again, because I felt like I could never fully let go of the past until we made a new commitment. I still want to renew our vows at some point, but now I am thinking of things I can do for myself that will help me put the past away.
I'm reading this kind of hokey book about women's spirituality, and it has a chapter in it about marking important occasions in a women's life with rituals. This might sound kind of silly, but I feel like I need to DO something to commemorate and symbolize leaving the past behind. Let me try and give an example, so I don't sound completely off my rocker. When I miscarried, it was really important to me to grieve for the baby like it was a baby - I felt it was my child, even though the little one didn't have a chance to grow and be born. H and I buried a little box near the family plot, and scattered flowers over that spot and the family graves there. It was important to me to do this outward thing to mark the grief I felt about losing this child and all the dreams and hopes that went along with it. It helped. Now I am thinking about doing something like that to help me put the past year away. Does that sound really stupid?
I think I just rambled on and on nonsensically. Oh, well. Hugs to ya, Myrrh
P.S. I honestly am not even upset by the incident I posted about - amazing how quickly I let things like that go. I just thought it was a good example of feeling unimportant. Come to think of it, I haven't really felt like that since then.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Holy cow, can I say how much good I see here in your report today?
He's actually sharing stuff with you again! Boy, am I glad you're back here and posting this stuff. Because it's good!
You did a great job with validating! Just remember, validating doesn't mean you agree with them or even understand things... but I really think it's encouraging him to be more forthright with his thoughts and feelings now.
All of a sudden, I was beamed back to my childhood and some raging insecurities came barging through... I remembered sharing my ideas with my family at the dinner table and receiving a consistent response from my dad... who, oddly enough, was typically my champion. So his disapproval really hurt.
He would put his utensils down and say loudly, "That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! Your mother and I want [____________] for you instead."
Granted, some of them were dumb ideas. But many of them were actually verbalizations of things that I thought were good. The older I got, the more closed I became at sharing. When I did share, I used it as a means to push his buttons (and boy, did I get an A for my efforts there).
I think Sting might have wanted you to join him in a pity party. I know we hate them.... But, after all, how often have we had our own pity parties? I had mine the other day, and believe me, it was NOT pretty. In fact, I got stuck on a very petty issue and the resentments came glaring back.
UGH! This stuff sucks!
But despite the sucky nature of this beast, I see so many positives here. Was S happy to find his dad home this morning?
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Meredith - Thanks for pulling me up over at my place - actually I had to submit my post here pronto as NG walked in to the study quite unexpectedly - he seems to quit work mid-afternoon these days and just pop home - quite unsettling. Something else you seem to have in the works that I will be watching out for
Quote: Now, if I could only work through the fear of loving him more than he loves me…
This is a major problem for me - and for the life of me, I cannot figure out why it should be so...
I went and started this new thread…then left it dormant and neglected!
There are many reasons, not the least of which a very busy few weeks at work. Hopefully things will begin to calm down next week…but I don’t think the worst is over.
Things are dragging along over in my sitch. Right now, I struggle with what I can accept and what I don’t want to deal with for the rest of my life. A few examples...
My H will always be late. I can set examples, I can offer WOA when he’s early, I can show him what his tardiness does to myself and this family…but the bottom line is, being late is just who he is. Ask his managers, ask his friends. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair, it isn’t fun…but it is reality. I need to find peace within myself here, not get tied up in insecurities when the clock shows me its been x number of minutes past his set arrival time.
My H does not want to acknowledge or discuss his infidelity. I have just read Sage’s current posts, and her thoughts and feelings seem right in line with mine. However, my H has never wanted to discuss them. He has never fully admitted to any of it, even with the proof of the existence. That is frustrating to me, because I find that I lack the reassurance on future occurrences when I can’t focus on what happened at the time of the affair. I’m not sure if this is a deal breaker or not.
As I read back on what I’ve just typed here (with more of these examples swimming around in my head), my first gut reaction is that there isn’t much positive going on if that is what comes to mind on my marriage.
I find myself looking to other families for examples on what should be. When I compare their lifestyles to ours, I just feel horrible. So, I put myself into a negative mindset, I give myself too much authority for deciding what should be and what shouldn’t be, I start building up resentments.
I know that my H loves us, even if he’s not the greatest at expressing that in terms that I understand. I feel his love, and I truly do know that he is trying. I’m to the point now that if I don’t have a solid commitment to this reconciliation, that love isn’t enough. I need a love that is unconditional, which is exactly what he’s asking from me.
The truth is that my H is happy with our current lifestyle. He truly feels more comfortable living apart and being married than he does living the life of a "sitcom family" (his words). That really bothers me, and I struggle to understand that this is how he grew up, so this is what he knows. We’re always more comfortable with what we know and what we’ve experienced, right?
That would make my overall, all encompassing goal to make him feel comfortable living a daily life that includes his family. It means making him feel safe enough to share his feelings, safe enough to take his space when he needs solitude, safe enough to open himself to the vulnerability that love brings.
I honestly believe I’ve made positive strides with that. I won’t say that I’ve completely given up emotional outbursts (yes, I’ve eaten fish… ) but they are far less frequently, and far less undeserved.
This month, that of October, I want to focus solely on being the best person that I can be. Hopefully, that will contribute to the overarching goal I’ve mentioned above. If not, then I’ll be a stronger person for the next step in this journey, and for me that means moving on.
Some goals for myself throughout October:
1. Drink water. 1 liter every day. 2. Take a multi-vitamin every day 3. Spend only one of my weekend days on cleaning and housework. 4. Go to bed at 10pm every night. 5. Finish and move into my new bedroom. 6. Complete all Christmas shopping so I can actually enjoy the holiday.
Some goals to be a better parent and/or wife throughout October:
1. Spend one entire day per week doing fun things (cider mill, parks, zoo, etc) 2. Stick with the evening routine during the week. 3. Accept cancellation of plans from H with a smile. 4. Continue to sort out emotions before they come out in the form of anger 5. Focus on the day, rather than the week ahead of it or the year behind it. 6. Be clear in my expectations, i.e. ask for what I want.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Hi Meredith - Oh boy, I can relate to so much of what you are posting. In my case, I thought that if discussing the affair, and especially the why of it, was going to be too difficult, I could shelve it, as there was much in our R to rebuild. We are both different people, and should expect a different R. But then I find that NG is just too comfortable with his old habits, which I no longer find acceptable Quite, quite frustrating, and yes, hurtful.
Do you know what it is about your current set-up that H finds more attractive? Apart from it being what he knows and is comfortable with, what about the day to day living in this way that works better for him?
) but they are far less frequently, and far less undeserved.