I can’t believe that I am starting another thread! But, here I am. I’m not going to fill this with day-to-day journaling, but instead I’d like to keep a journal based on feelings as they arise. I’d like to base this on an open door policy and let people share feelings and outcomes of those feelings as they feel fit.
I am also not going to link my previous threads, in light of the theme of this one.
For the past few weeks, I have been struggling with feelings of discontent, anger and a lot of resentment. These feelings seemed to creep up out of nowhere, but after some deep thought and analysis I realized that these feelings all center on different resentments and stem back to events that have left me feeling unimportant and disrespected. Perhaps not so coincidentally, the majority of these events have occurred in past Septembers.
They stem, specifically, from two events that have both lowered my feelings of love and respect for my husband. There is no denying that the way he chose to act through these two events was atrocious. However, we’re talking two and four years ago that these situations occurred. It’s time for me to process the feelings and then let them back to the past where they belong.
I will bold this next statement, but I’d highlight and put flashing lights around it if I could. PamelaC sent this to me in an email this morning, and kicked my butt into gear to move past this resentment fog.
It is not fair to resent him for something that I accepted.
Resentments from the past so easily cloud our vision of what is in the present. This, ladies and gentlemen, is where affairs happen.
I have the benefit of almost a year of hard work and self-evaluation to show me that the opportunity for “love” with someone else is only a large complication to an already messy situation. I am fortunate to be strong enough to recognize it as that complication and also dismiss it as such. Had I not had that benefit, I’d be up to my ears in at least an EA…since the opportunity presented itself in the form of a great guy.
It will probably cause some controversy, my teetering on the edge of becoming the cheating spouse. But I think it is important to highlight how it would be wreaking havoc with my thoughts, emotions, and perception of reality.
Okay, so that is how the past is clouding my present…but let’s talk about the future.
Right now, my divorce has a very good chance of being busted. We’ve been separated for 17 months now, but things have never looked so positive. That, my friends, is scary. It ups the pressure tenfold, because now it is make it or break it time. After 17 months, I’m on the brink of readiness to move forward past this phase of my life. At the same time, in my heart of hearts I want this to work. The scary part comes in when I think of the possibility of this not working out, and it causes me to pull back and not make myself completely open or vulnerable. It becomes a catch 22.
One of the indications that this is taking a positive turn is my H’s reaction to my withdrawal. In the past, if he has noticed any withdrawal he hasn’t indicated that. This time he was very proactive in going after me. The game of pursuit became his.
But, I’m determined not to play games here. Rather than take that feeling of power and run with it, I’m setting the goal of taking things one feeling and situation at a time. The big part of this is going to be learning to understand my feelings and emotions and processing them on my own when necessary.
It took all 17 months to loose the blinding fear that he’d leave in the end. It took all 17 of them to stop worrying about being made a fool of (while, of course, he sips wine and eats bonbons with other women while they discuss the stupidity of his wife). Basically, it took me all of these 17 months to get it.
So, I’ve got it. And now I have to find something to do with it. Hence, my new thread. By plotting out these feelings and emotions, I hope to be able to process them with the help of my good friends. Maybe this process will help others in return.
This shark, however reformed, is jumping back into the ocean.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
And with such incredible insight and a readiness to tackle these demons once and for all... somehow I know that you will do the work and finish "getting this" so you and Sting have every chance of working out once and for all.
(((((Meredith))))) You know I think you rock, right?
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Looks like our thread titles are kissing cousins! There is MUCH to be said for Tolle and his wisdom in this concept.
Good for you for seeing the need to address the abandonment issues and how they are so pervasive. You know I speak from experience with this too? The fear was present in all my Rs... I actually stopped really pursuing friendships for this very reason.
Of course, I used to tell myself that I was just busy...
But the real truth is that I was simply afraid of caring more for someone else than they cared for me. Isn't that such hooey?
Anyway, I bet Chum will be here shortly. She seems to have a knack for smelling bait and coming out into the open!
I'm glad to have you both back. You both have kept me honest for the past year.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
This makes me want to cry. Happy tears, of course. Isn't it so liberating to not only to accept another truth but to really "get" it?
I will work with you on this one. My list of resentments was almost a mile long. Maybe I'll just write them all down and burn them once and for all. A symbolic way of letting it all go. How appropriate! That was a "Friends" episode of sorts. Betsey, are you free anytime soon for a bonfire???
My goodness, Meredith, you certainly have come so far. I know how hard it is. I will do my best to be here to support you, and to ask the tough questions (and not let you off the hook if you don't answer).
Ugh, I wasn’t supposed to need this outlet so soon.
Okay, scenario.
H and I had plans together tonight, for a couple reasons. One, because our Thursday child-swap schedule was unreliable and nonconductive to my job – tenfold in the middle of a big project - and two, because we hadn’t been spending any time together this week. This arrangement was decided last night. Baby-sitter arrangements were made this morning.
He calls this afternoon (never a good sign) and asks if I mind if he comes over, only late…as in 11:30pm.
This is a recipe for disaster, because a 180 would be to give him the full go-ahead to have a good time with his cousin. However, I dislike immensely being put into this position. If I say that I do mind, then I’m the bad guy and there’s a good chance he’ll ignore what I feel anyway. If I say that I don’t mind, I’m lying through my teeth – I mind because I feel second rate and also because I have to work in the morning and don’t really feel it is respectful for him to come over that late.
So, not having any time to think this through (definitely need plan for that), I went with honesty. I first asked him what he was specifically asking (permission, what?) and when he said he was asking how I felt…I told him that I did not like being put in this position because it leaves me either feeling like the bad guy or feeling that what I think does not matter (as in, he asks me if I mind and then does it anyway…why bother to ask?).
I also said that what bothered me the most was the time frame…I go to bed at 10pm for work the next day. I don’t want to either wait up until 11:30pm or be awoken at 11:30pm since I had to be up by 5am. I also tacked on that if he lived there, things would indeed be different…but he doesn’t. And as it stands, for as long as he chooses to live elsewhere, he is a guest in the home. Thus, it is rude to show up at that hour.
That wound up as boundary setting or bitchiness. I’m sure he saw more of the bitchiness.
So, now the thought-process part. Resentments? Some. In the past, he’d ask whether I minded or not and then would proceed to ignore whatever I said. I probably carried some of that with me when I heard the question asked again this afternoon.
Feelings? Well my primary LL is quality time, and when he offers that and then yanks it back, it is a double negative. My other LL, one not in the book, is respect. And while I can certainly agree that it is respectful to ask whether I mind having my evening rearranged…I find it very disrespectful that he’d feel free enough to show up when everyone who does live in the house is sound asleep.
How did we leave it? I told him to do what he wanted in regards to having drinks with his cousin, but that so long as he was a guest in the home he’d respect the schedules of its occupants.
Now, I feel like crap.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I find honesty refreshing. Actually, it's a turn on (but don't tell anyone). The key is to encourage honesty without exhibiting shark like tendencies. But I would see what happens over the course of the next hour or so.
If he doesn't call back, why not you?
Say something along the lines of this...
Sting, in the past, I would have either chewed you out or gone along with things and suffered in silence. I realize that it's difficult to work with this sort of dynamic. And I don't want to communicate this way with you from here on out.
How about this? Although I'm not happy if you choose to spend time with your cousin over me, I respect your decision. It's just that we see so little of each other, and I really miss you. I look forward to the times when we do spend time with each other.
Maybe you could rearrange your schedule tomorrow (or insert whatever day you want) so I get the chance to be with you?
Then see what he has to say...
I think if he could see this less as a means of exerting control and more of a vulnerability thing (the fact that you WANT him), he might be willing to give you what you want and need?
Just my two cents worth...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Meredith - I for one am glad you have chosen to process the residual stuff here on the boards - it is such a gift for us to share in the learning. Although the scenario you paint is different, the dilemma I find myself in because NG makes a unilateral decision. Ugh is right.
Thanks Bets! Right on the money per usual…because this actually played out for the positive. I wish had read what you’d written before I left, though…because I think the paragraph about spending time was perfect.
When I left work (shortly after the not so great phone call) I drove to the hospital to visit H’s grandmother, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. On the drive over, I thought a lot about this, and realized that being put on the spot was a problem for me. I’m working through these resentments, but when they surface I’d like more time to process them and my current feelings before responding. But, I wasn’t sure how to relay that to H.
I got to the hospital, and my in-laws were already there. I visited with them and grandma for about a half hour, and then H showed up. His grandma wanted rest, so H and I went to dinner with the in-laws and had a pretty nice dinner.
During the course of the dinner, H announced that his mother was buying his sister a house, and then SIL would pay MIL rent. H’s parents are divorced, so the woman we were dining with was his step-mother, not his actual mother. I could tell that H was hurt by this act of what he perceived to be inequality, but I found myself not very empathetic. For some reason, what I was focusing on was that we HAD a home, and whenever H was read to make a commitment, he too could leave his mother’s house. I kept my sentiments to myself and validated to the best of my ability.
H ended up coming home with me rather than going out for drinks. He was not in a good mood, but instead of personalizing it (thinking he was crabby because he was home with me, rather than out with his cousin) I gave him his space and figured it was a combination of the many changes happening with his life. SIL and the house, grandma and her cancer, his dad being in town (he lives out of state), etc.
We went to bed together, and rather than bring up the topic then (he HATES discussions right before sleep) I brought it up this morning – before we got up. I explained that I was trying to work through these resentments in order to leave them in the past, but that the process is relatively new. I also explained that the minute I realized he was calling to back out of the plans and change our arrangement, I felt a flood of those resentments. I said that I needed time to process them before giving a response that truly reflected how I felt. So, we decided that he would send a text message when he wanted something to change, and I could respond when I was ready. I thanked him for coming the night before, and told him that I appreciated it. Hurdle, jumped.
Then, since I can’t stop there, I moved on to the house issue. I told him that I was sorry his mother’s action with his sister had hurt him so much. I tried to lighten it by joking that our house had more bedrooms than his sister’s anyhow. I also expressed my frustration at him being jealous over his sister’s house. He explained that it was the inequality that hurt him…not the physical house. I saw it from a different perspective, as MIL was making a real estate investment and SIL was helping out by maintaining the property and paying rent. I thought that he was angry because she had been asked to live at the house and not him – causing me to feel that he was looking for alternative living situation that did not include marriage. I’m still not real clear on this one, but I do feel better since we talked it through rather than me harboring anger and him harboring hurt.
So, there you go. We’re moving through this muck…
Now, if I could only work through the fear of loving him more than he loves me…
Slowly, thank you for your kind words! I’m glad to know that this is helping someone other than myself! I’ll head over to your thread and see what unilateral decisions your referring to.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Bets 
