This is my second post... still a little timid but I am in desperate need of hearing other peoples opinions. Our story goes like this.. I am 39 H is 40, we have known each other since we were 16, had a set of twin girls at 17...not married then. We reunited in '98 and married FINALLY in '99. We don't have any financial issues, no real marital issues other than disagreeing over sex/no sex. We have been to counseling over this issue but so far..all C has pushed blame on me...I am too demanding. I dont see it that way at all...I make no demands on him at all...I just want to have sex more often than him. Me once a day would be perfect 3x a week would be just fine too!! Once every two to three weeks is not fine at all. I have let this effect how I feel about myself and I have considered getting mine elsewhere. I haven't as yet because I am truly "in love " with my husband. I have read TSSM and I am trying to understand it all but I just need to get my feelings out and have someone hopefully give me proof that all this works.
Sorry you ended up here on this message board. I saw your post in the other thread and believe a couple of people responded. Some very good advice there. Obviously your sitch didn't develop overnight and it certainly isn't going to get resolved overnight either. Calm down and try to breathe. Maybe read TSSM again, slower, and get The Passionate Marriage and read that. If you are unhappy with your C, find another one. Did the C give you any advice?
Thank you for responding. No our sitch has been like this since before we got married actually.. at first I thought it was because of wedding, He was overseas for over a month during planning phases etc. But it has continued and I am losing faith in myself being able to hold it all together. We stopped counselling all together because H gets mad when they blame it on me.
He says he understands how I feel but " He is jsut not as sexual as I am" . I have a hard time believing that because if he has outside stimulation he is all for it.
That is, what are you prepared to do if he does not get in touch with his sexual side?
Hugs and hang in there. This is a long journey and this is just the beginning. There are a lot of success stories here although they are all works in progress. There will usually be no "We cured it! We will never have desire discrepancies again!!" but there will be a time and place that you both feel content with the status of your sex life, if you both buy into the reality of having to work on your own issues.
I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. I have him on such a pedestal now I am not sure I can be a better wife...in regards to how I feel about him. I find him to be the most irresistible man in the world...I cannot tell him no on anything. He walks in the door from work and I just melt. He always gets what he wants , when he wants it. I don't but then I dont ask for anything except sex more than once every couple of weeks.
Your very screen name tells us that you are your H's property. As long as you feel this way, there is little hope for your recovery. I know it seems weird (it did to me), but you have to push away from him in order to get closer. You have to work on YOU first. I'm sure others will chime in.
Tough luck for him. If he wants to have a happy wife, he is going to have to give up his comfortable self-image of himself as someone for whom sex is not important. If you are important to him then sex will have to be important to him. The question is how important is sex to you? Could you possibly be happy in your marriage if your sex life continues as is? Realize that you may have to choose between feeling like you are "in love" with a guy who doesn't want to have sex with you or actually having sex. You don't necessarily have to threaten to leave, but you have to make it absolutely clear to your H just how important sex is to your marriage. If you are honest and open and he comes to understand just how miserable the situation is making you, he will either make the effort to become more of a HD guy because he loves you and you are confident enough to express your needs. If he is unwilling to make the effort then you will have to take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you are in love with a guy who won't budge from his comfort zone in order to meet your needs.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You are so right! I have always considered myself his property. Since I was 16 actually. I am just not sure I have the self confidence right now to fix me This has really shaken my confidence. I havent found a way to believe that it isnt a personal attack on my femininety.
This has really shaken my confidence. I havent found a way to believe that it isnt a personal attack on my femininety.