Well I am overwhelmed by your replies, truly I really do mean that. That there are others out there that have had the Lord touch their lives like he has mine. I hesitated about writing about the way the Lord has entered my life as I know not everyone has the same beliefs, has that same connection, nor feels they need that connection to God--for me it's what works. I do believe that everyone should be in touch with their spirituality, acknolwedge that there is a higher source out there, another dimension to our lives, that it’s just not about US and OUR lives...if you know what I mean and my hand is up there, too!
I remember when I first started posting I would read threads and see words like “Lord” “God” and immediately click out of that thread—I didn’t want anything to do with those words. The God I remember from childhood was not a forgiving God and Hell loomed closer than Heaven. Letting him into my life didn’t just happen over night, I believe he’s been there all along trying to get my attention, and more importantly trying to get me to butt out of his business…fixing my H or anybody else I thought I was supposed to fix.
It was very hard for me to post what I wrote. It took me two days to get all my thoughts together in away that made sense so that hopefully they would make sense to others and from the response, I think I pulled it off. Putting my thoughts to words doesn’t flow naturally from me, it’s work. Letting people see the REAL me is not something I do well either. I went back and forth on whether I should post my feelings at all and then after I posted it I regretted it. I put off reading anyone’s post for quite some time. Thinking to myself why does anybody care about what I have to say, I’m saying the same thing everybody else does when they do finally “get it”
Putting my thoughts and feelings out there is a big step for me. I’m still absorbing the fact that I touched other people with my words. That maybe it’s what I need to do more often, to put myself out there, to be vulnerable and not REGRET doing it. That it will help those new to this process, so that they can see the pain, the grief doesn’t have to go on forever, and to realize that they too can get to this place. I am no different than anybody else when I started my journey and boy did I have major pitstops and blowouts along the way. But my crew, my fellow DB’ers, managed to put me back together again and send me on my way. And who knows what else is along the way moving forward.
So here I sit at work crying, again. My emotions the last month have been so near the surface, on the top, that anything that touches my heart chokes me up. Can’t figure out why, maybe it’s all the tears I didn’t cry while growing up, all the emotions that have been buried for so long are finally coming to the surface. Who knows. I did find something out a few weeks ago, which was a rather interesting observation about my body. That the gut wrenching sobbing I did involves using the same muscles as when I’m having a bellylaugh with my son. I just find that rather fascinating.
And now for something on the lighter side--I had a call from Moses today, he was calling from the top of a mountain. He left me a voicemail wondering if there was anything he was missing or that he needed to come home for in the next month or two...too funny....the man can make me laugh that I will admit...he was in a very good mood...that mountain air...we should seriously think about moving west, I too love the mountains.
Wow, I don't really have time to write the reply that your most excellent post deserves, but I am so blessed to read how you finally got it. That letting go and letting God isn't just a cliche.
I hope and pray that I am getting to the point where you are at now. A visit with my C yesterday really crystallized some things for me... that the only thing that I am required to do is be obedient to what God tells (or doesn't tell me) to do.
If the rest of the world doesn't like it or doesn't get it, that is their problem. I do not have to answer to anyone but God.
So I am continuing to stand and believe that my marriage will one day be healed and restored, that my H will return.
Your post is reminding me of the verse (I think from Corinthians?) that talks about how we can one day comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. That is just what you are doing and I say, thank you!
Cathy, This post doesn't even sound like you. And i know what you mean by the God and Lord thing. But we have grown, haven't we? And we have let go, finally. Being on the "other" side, and doing the D, having to face that most days, the peace sometimes elludes me... but at other times, the joy is inescapable. I'm so happy for you, my friend.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I have been keeping up your with your threads and your most recent and to be very honest it didn't surprise me that your H would want a D. And then come to find out that maybe he doesn't know what HE wants.
I think that WA starts to move close and then OP rears their head reminding WA of what they've done, (strayed from the M)and then WA goes backwards if that makes sense. Rather than facing the "mess" it's somehow seems easier to want out, that way they don't have to face themselves or their real commitment, their M. Once WA distances themselves, again, they do come close, hesitantly and are confused once again. Not knowing what they want. The cycle continues.
Have faith my friend, keep your eyes of your circumstances on the man up stairs, he will not fail you.
Your reply makes much sense. And I can see that it is part of a cycle that H is in, he gets close, gets scared for 2 reasons and retreats. The two reasons I think...
#1. becuz the M/R looks like work repairing what has been done and retreats.
#2 becuz what we had goin on pre-bomb although stable and loving was sorely lacking in the physical intimacy dept, which is H's fav LL. I am sure that he is fearful that my newfound love of wont last and he'll be right back in the same dumb boat again.
My H has not seen his Brazilian OW since the beginning of August and won't see her again until the beginning of October. So this whole process is getting really drug out.
I am keeping the faith though.
I ordered some of the prodigal materials from rejoice ministries and I will report back on what I learned.
Have a good one, and thanks for bein a friend.
Pam
ps. One thing I do I know is that I am at a way better place personally than I was a year ago, post bomb #1. My walk with God has deepened and as I look back now it was getting stronger pre-bomb in preparation for all this I believe.
I know more about myself and what got H and I to this point and if (or maybe I should say when) we finally get it together I believe that ultimately our R will be stronger.
p.p.s. I think I am gonna copy this to my thread...
Thanks for the IM this morning and directing me to your new thread!
There are a lot of ways that your posted crossed into what I think and feel.
As many know I left the BB shortly after Cathy did. But, once in awhile we get to chat. Laurie (Vinlad) and I e-amil daily.
I was told by the Lord to leave the BB many times and finally I did. I don't know how long I was gone. But, I needed religious support.
I have a couple e-mails that I get daily; one is Faith to Faith and the other has been my greatest friend; "Rejoice Ministries". Bless Charlyn and Bob for telling their story, and helping me to see what my H is going through. I am learning forgiveness and compassion. And most of all I'm learning to "stand".
I'm very glad to see most of the supporters here coming and posting on Cathy's thread.
I too join in here and stand up to say "in Him ALL things are possible" But, you must learn to believe and you must feel it inside you. Let the Holy Spirit be in you. I can't tell you what a wonderful feeling it is!
I too am following the Lord. I too was like Cathy and when I'd see anything with Lord or God on the thread, I'd leave in a hurry. When I was little, I went to church. I was touched some by the Lord a few times. But it isn't about just sitting in church; it's about letting the Lord in your heart, not just saying you are. You have to feel it.
I am there now, and I too have been crying much, not just over the sitch, but about the Lord and how he is helping me to see for the first time. I'm letting him lead me now. And I'm standing, never going to give up not even with my last breath.
It's about letting go not of your M but of the antics of the S and the OP. It's time for the Lord to take over and work on my H. Only He can save him. But I will pray everyday for my H to be saved.
I've missed all of you! But I know you understand that I have to heal right now and get closer to Him.
For like in Luke 15, I am that lost sheep! And My H is that lost sheep too! Someday we will both be rejoicing!
I'm glad to see you! I get those same two devotionals daily. I'm so glad you are emailing Laurie, too.
It's a hard road... I hope things have settled down with your attny and the D and all of that. I hope you are taking good care of you, and letting the Lord take care of you, too. Finally when we give it all up to him he can get to work.
Pamila, I whole heartedly agree with you about your two reasons. I know my H feels exactly the same way. Somehow, in his mind a D is much less work than repairing his M... oh well. The more I get my mind of my sitch the better I feel. I'm going along with whatever I need to do, but I certainly pray alot.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
wont last and he'll be right back in the same dumb boat again.