After I read Corri's post I began to think how I am also the "keeper" of the marriage, how H would just allow it to deteriorate, and I felt this wave of unappreciation come over me. In that mood, I decided talk to H about this ( I guess in PM terms I wanted other-validation)... J: How do you think things are going? H: I think they are going well. J: anything you want to get out? H: Not really, how about you? J: Well, you know I have made a lot of effort to make our marriage better...I guess I wish that you could tell me that you appreciate it. H: Things are better, but you have to remember that you were the one who had a problem with the way things were, so really, you did this for yourself ( Hank would have held me in his arms and told me how thankful he was to have a wife like me) J: That is true, but my actions had an effect on you H: I am happier, but I also made the choice to make changes, so you should appreciate me. J: I guess we should appreciate each other...but right now I guess I wanted to feel that from you. ( Hank would not only be declaring his appreciation, he would have a twinkle in his eye as he hugs and kisses me) Back to reality... H: Actually, I really didn't appreciate the fact that you would consider breaking up the family because you want some sexual fireworks J: Sexual fireworks was not what I was after H: Well that's what it feels like, you want more and more, and I am just not at that "lust " stage ( Hank would have lustful feelings for me) J: I had no interest in living like roommates...I wanted to feel sensual again H: Nods...I understand that...I I think we both want this to work, for the family and all...I hope we can( without that much confidence) J: yeah me too
Anyway, what I realized was that he was feeling just as unappreciated as I was. In his way, he feels he has made a lot of effort and I obviously sense he feels a lot of pressure.
I am sad because I have given up the dream that I have a partner who really feels aroused by me and is interested in having a hot sex life. The goal is now a good marriage as opposed to a great one, where both spouses are enthusiastic.
Quote: H: Actually, I really didn't appreciate the fact that you would consider breaking up the family because you want some sexual fireworks
This is pretty much what my H has said to me on a couple occasions. Perhaps what you and I should say in reply is "I can't believe you would consider breaking up the family in order to avoid the possibility of having great sex with me.". They act like we are being self-centered, but really they are being selfish AND ridiculous.
Please take me with a grain of salt today since I am currently wondering why I stay in a relationship where I have to "pay" for something most women get for free. Especially when every time I leave the house, I see Fireman Hank or one of his buddies standing by a fire hydrant just waiting for my signal to turn the hose on full blast.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am new to the board and have a long sob story of my own but here is my new found take on something that hit me square in the face tonight. You can read the details on my thread posted 9/11/04 at 9:43 that made me sit up and think bout something very hard. The post is a long one detailing what could have been a very tragic conclusion to our problems.
Now I can obviosuly not relate to HDW as I am a HDH, but I can defintely relate to Hank although I refer the figment of my imagination as Amy since I like women
I agree with both of you about being able to turn the question around on your spouse. But what if, maybe, there is something deeper to ther not wanting to ML then you acknowledge? I figured my W was a typical LDW/NDW dealing with forgiveness issues and relationship issues that caused the LD/ND. I could never have been further from the truth. Read the post for more info.
I guess waht I am saying is after tonight, I almost feel ashamed for wanting my W to contribute to the happiness of our marriage when it turns out she was dealing with far worse "demons" then I would have ever imagined.
BTW, I think both of your deserve to me happy and deserve to have great sex with your H's I have read many posts, some from both of you, and I find your story's to be very insightful.
Last edited by dazedandconfuzed; 09/12/0402:01 AM.
After I read Corri's post I began to think how I am also the "keeper" of the marriage, how H would just allow it to deteriorate, and I felt this wave of unappreciation come over me.
Why do we feel like the "keeper"? Because we have carved ourselves into that role in the marriage. The very fact that you are here and toiling over things tells me that you (and most of us) are taking such an active role, doing the thinking, analyzing, etc. that our spouses have no reason do anything. Our fear is that, if we were to drop a couple items on the trail, then our partner wouldn't pick them up and carry them. So we keep carrying the load and defining ourselves by doing so. Explain to your spouse your understanding of this and tell them that you need help carrying some of the load. This way, you aren't just dropping it on the trail and watching to see what they do with it.
You might be dealing with someone who is out of shape and can't carry much because they never had to. This is why the process takes a long time. Patience and communication are probably the keys to repair things. Ask them what they can carry. Maybe it's just a little bit of conversation each week but eventually it will start to balance out more.
Just my 2 cents.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Ahh, well because I'm the HDH, I carry the M in the hopes of having something to enjoy after the kids are less needy and/or out of the house. W carries the "mom thing" of taking care of the kids and caring for her parents' emotional needs (a sort of "rah rah coach" for her mom, who's depressed and sad these days because her relatives and friends are dying from old age, cancer, and such). I have the extra challenge of trying to attone for my EA+, which I'm pretty sure my W hasn't forgiven me for yet.
I am considering "one final talk" with my W before I sit back, decompress, and back off for a while with the R issues. I'll initiate LM when I want to (twice a week, most likely), but I'll "hope for" my W to step up and initiate the talks about M issues that are important to her. If she doesn't speak up for 3+ months, I'll re-evaluate and start speaking up again. Right now, I just feel drained and overwhelmed by trying to balance the rest of my life with the M issues.
Atl Dave... I am going to give myself the gift of backing off just a bit in the "keeper" role; the interesting thing will be to see if I can do it.
H came through "date nite" last nite with flying colors, except he broke a toe when we were ML ( don't ask, LOL).
I do feel at this point better differentiated and self defined...I want to keep the goals of 2x/week ML going, and I also know now what behaviors to call H on when he feels the threat of intimacy.
While I still need to keep the concept of "dog training" in my head and keep reinforcing it, I want to balance that with just loving the dog for who he is, snarls and all. ( Sorry, Hank).
Chris-- I wish you a healthy and happy marriage in your future...keep us posted.
All kinds of strange images flashed though my mind about the toe!?!?!?
If that is not an unusaul way to provide a new excuse not to for next time I don't know what is. "Sorry honey, I would love to ML, but you know I am on injured Reserve status after breaking my toe last time"
Sorry, I needed a good laugh about now and the broken toe was funny!
Quote: And for you kinky ones out there....it was his little toe, so stop thinking those thoughts!
No. I'm afraid that's not good enough. All the HD people on this board are going to keep trying to imagine how he broke his little toe while you were having sex. My current theory involves him bracing himself against the footboard of your bed and his foot slipping down and his toe getting smashed between the footboard and the metal bedframe. Am I even close? No? Okay let's do 20 Questions. Just answer yes or no. Was it hard to explain the bite mark to the doctor?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
but here is my new found take on something that hit me square in the face tonight. You can read the details on my thread 
