I found out a couple of weeks ago that my H was having an EA (maybe PA). Of course, I had my suspicions but was in TOTAL denial. I got the line of how he "loves me, but isn't in love with me". He's in love with the OW and can't make up his mind whether to be with me and his small child or follow his "heart" and be with her. He changes his direction almost daily - one day I get positive affirmations that we can work it out, the next he is in a downward spiral because of his "love" for her. I really want to get my marriage back. We are going to counseling but his heart isn't in it so we are making no progress. He has stopped "almost" all contact with her but refuses to completely cut ties (he thinks they can be "just friends").
My question is - how do I handle this? He wants to talk to me about his feelings (both for her and his family). This hurts me greatly but I am tired of all of the secrets and lies. Should I listen and be a friendly shoulder to cry on? Do I just wait this out and see what happens? I am such an action-oriented person that I am really struggling waiting for someone else to make a decision! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Ok.. so, I'm going to reply to myself since I don't know if/how you add another posting.
My situation has changed only slightly in that my H contact with the OW is in supposedly trying to break it off with her. Not sure if I believe that or not but it sounds as if she is pretty much making him mad and insulting him - obviously "hurt" that he is going to be with his wife by asking him "how does she know he wouldn't do this to her if they were together". The big emotional attachment is that she was "acting" as sort of a marriage counselor to him - so he thinks that she actually had his best interests at heart. YIKES! Talk about manipulation. Long story short is that he is still in contact with her but I set ground rules today of no phone conversation with her in the house. I'm tired of it being right under my nose and it's driving me INSANE!
He says he wants to work on our relationship in counseling but how can that be possible with a third person looming in the background. Of course, right now, he doesn't think that we can ever have all it takes to make him really happy. Is that just pessimism because of his feelings for OW? I just don't know what to think anymore but I told him I'm sick of lies so don't even do it any more. We actually had a good conversation tonight and oddly enough talking about her didn't hurt as bad as what one might think. In fact, I feel like it's the first time in a long time that we were honest with one another. Do you think we are moving in the right direction or am I just crazy?
One of his big issues is lack of intimacy - not just sex but intimate conversation. I'm not even sure I know what that means! I guess that's the problem, isn't it?! Has anyone else been accused of this?
mem - you asked about children - yes, we have a small child under one year of age. Hopefully, we can figure this out before she is corrupted by bad parents!
If H says he wants to work on relationship and go to counseling. Go for it regardless of situation with OW. Its may be his pessimism about OW and it may be the huge amount of guilt he has about what the situation with OW does to you and your R. I know my husband kept asking the question .. how will you be able to get past things? I just kept telling him I could do it as long as we were working on things together. He was scared about moving home right up until the end and even after he was home. Afraid all of sudden I would say I couldnt live with what he did and I would call it off... So I believe H is feeling alot of things... feelings for OW, guilt about you, guilt about OW, feeling bad about himself... all those things. Only way to get past it is to give him time and let him know you are there for him. So work on R and go to counseling and be patience. You are definitely moving in right direction
KMFLA - Thanks for the advice. I read your whole story as well as some others and isn't it amazing how many similarities there are - both in words and actions?! I guess I find some comfort in that. We have our next counseling session next Wednesday. Sort of looking forward to it, sort of dreading it because it seems like H always drops some bomb while we're there! But, I keep telling him that I'm a big girl and can handle what he says so, JUST SAY IT!!!!
In fact, we had a long conversation last night after going to bed. I asked some questions about his R with OW and he told me a lot (not the sordid details!!) about what he was feeling. I just listened and asked questions - I want to know what it was that she brought to the R that I didn't. I'm not sure I really understand it all but they were DEFINATELY planning their "future life" together. That is, until, they both got a bit of a conscience. So, he is dealing with his "love" for her and feeling like he is not going to be able to "fulfill" these dreams. It's funny because he also told me all the things that concern him about a relationship with her. All I could think of (but didn't say it) is that if he has that many concerns after a 3-month affair, there should be NO QUESTION that the R is doomed long-term - they should still be in the honeymoon phase!!!!!!! So, I just tried to be a friend and at the end of the conversation H told me that I just showed him what a good friend I really was... I think that is DB'ing to the max, don't you?!!
So, I feel pretty ok today (well right now anyway!) and actually feel a bit hopeful that his pessimism about our R will eventually be healed since we seem to be moving a little bit in the right direction. We just need to start seeing some progress in our R and stop spinning our wheels. (not sure how to do that!)
I also told him he is to no longer talk to her about our relationship. That is between he and I and is what got him into trouble in the first place!!
Seems like nothing and yet a ton of stuff (good and bad) happens every day, doesn't it. In the meantime, I just keep praying and praying and praying. I believe some of them are being answered already.
Isn't it amazing, we all think our relationships are unique, and yet, I am reading your life and hearing my H talk to me in the same post. I am in love with OW, I still love you, I don't want a D, yet I can't stop talking w OW. Good grief. This friday he travels out of town on business to where OW is. I guess one consolation for me is that she lives 250 miles away and he only goes there once a month, but that once a month is a killer. They talk via his cell phone the rest of the time. He says he knows he needs to break it off, but can't. All I can say is that prayer has given me a lot of peaco of mind the last week. I have been very quiet, no R talks at all, trying to be pleasant. Not even trying, I just am. on sat. he wanted to ML. First time in a long time. I think we have a good chance of pulling this thing out, but I think we need to be smart, and stay attentive, but aloof to give them space. No tears, no outrage. I think you are on the right track to be able to listen, no matter how much it hurts, obout OW, and not get upset. Watch the ultimatums, I know my H feels extremely "backed into a corner" when there are deadlines. When that happens he comes out "swinging" verbally. Not a good thing. For me the A has been going on since Jan. and I found out in May. Still no conclusions, but he has not moved out, and wants to stay in our room. is this a MLC or what? I don't know how to reach him with S if he is not willing to work on us right now. That is a problem. Supposedly his decision to not have S with me OR OW, is to not get confused or to confuse me that things are beter than they seem, but I think that if intimacy is the root of the problem, whatever we can work out regarding S is helpful. Yes? No? What is working for you? Keep the faith, sounds like you are on track.
Prayer has given me a lot of peace lately, too. Sometimes it's the only thing you can do to help you stay in this thing. I love it when they tell you they "want" to break it off but "can't". In our talks this weekend, we both agreed that he DOESN'T want to end it. And, until he actually wants to he won't! I guess my job is to somehow give him reason to want to!
As for the ML part, my counselor actually said it wasn't a bad thing to continue with him since that meant we were still connecting in some way. Just as long as you don't read tooo much into it and it's what YOU want as well. But, I think this is what started to reconnect us a few weeks ago even before he told me about the A.
I try to recognize ANY small change at all that happens and you should, too. If he wanted to ML on Sat. and hadn't for a long time, then that is a good sign. I look for the small little affectionate things that have been missing - a touch here or there. Whatever it takes, to give a glimmer of hope so that we can hold on. Do you know what was missing in your R that made husband want to have A? I actually asked my H this and have been slowly trying to grow those areas of OUR R. It's definately not a miracle overnight but I do see some progress.
I'm in a very similar situation. This is the most painful thing I have ever had to endure. H and I were already in a "I'm not in love with you anymore, I don't know if I want to stay married and work on things or not" kind of limbo land. Then the night before last I found out he was having an affair. Turns out it's been about a year. It's not just s*x. He says he has "feelings for her that he should have for me but doesn't." I told him that he couldn't stay living here and seeing her, he had to make a choice. Wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do (probably not based on all the "expert" books) but last night he basically ended it with her and is willing to try. Although he said it's "not what he wants." Geez...keep twisting the knife in my heart, why dont ya. I know it's probably not what the book(s) suggest, but it worked for me. I played the "kids card" and really the only reason he's here trying is for the kids. Otherwise he would've left. He's afraid of regrets - afraid that things won't work out with us and then he won't have her anymore either. He was having such a hard time "making the decision" that when I found out and told him he had to decide NOW, he finally did it. I told him he had much more to lose by staying with her. What if she didn't work out? Then he would've lost his whole family. Much more to lose than someone he's been with for a year - we've been together 18 1/2 years! (M 15yrs) and have 2 kids together. Never in a million years thought I'd be going through this. I pray for strength every day, many times a day.
Hang in there. It's going to be a very difficult road, I know. But I'll get through it and you'll get through it - somehow. I now know that the emotional part of the A is much more difficult to deal with. If it was just s*x or just a fling, that would be a lot easier to deal with. But this....so incredibly painful and difficult. Oh, and the other good thing? Apparently SHE also told him that he should give it a 2nd chance for the sake of the kids and that she didn't want to be the reason we split up (that one sounds typical, though).
My H's OW also kept telling him that he should give his marriage a chance. I think they do that as a manipulation tactic. It's so ridiculous. It sounds like you are getting the same "lines" that I have. It is just sooo weird how they all talk the same!!!! I never threw out the kid thing but I heard my H talking to a relative and he said that he probably would be gone if it wasn't for his daughter. As far as I'm concerned - whatever keeps them there thinking about their family is good.
I don't blame you for asking him to leave. In fact, I had a deadline of last Monday to ask my H to leave unless something drastic happened. Luckily - something great did happen!! He has not had contact with her for two weeks and he sent her an e-mail last week as "closure" of their relationship! We'll see if it lasts! However, he now talks badly about her and how stupid he was to not see her motive. I don't know if this is normal progression or not... We'll see. Good thing we are going to counseling. We have had a number of single sessions and I don't know this for a fact but I really think the Counselor has been guiding and directing him in doing the right things to get out of this A and on with his life.
My big thing now is that I almost feel like we are pushing this A issue under the carpet. We are trying to work on OUR R but I'm concerned that we aren't addressing this huge cloud hanging over us. Is this ok? Maybe we should work on us first - I don't know. Although he has apologized a couple of times, I just don't feel like he has much remorse for what he did. Will his guilt kick in later? I know it's only been a couple of weeks since he ended it and he has really been working hard at trying to help establish trust again. I'm probably just expecting too much too soon, aren't I? It's just SOOO hard to be patient!!!!!!!!!!!!
Olive- work on your R and you will have plenty of time to talk about the A. At some point you will need to address the reason the A happened so you can learn from it and make sure you both work on whatever those deficiencies in your marriage were. I know now that H was tired of my traveling for work and our S life was sorely lacking lots of things. He got friendly with woman at work who clearly paid a lot of attention to him and made him feel good. H and I just became too complacent in our M. My H at first when he came home and broke it off with OW didnt seem that remorseful. I now realize he was dealing with so many of his own emotions. Guilty about what he did to me, guilty of leading OW on , guilty about the kids and lots of other emotions. H now three months after coming home is much more remorseful. Although we dont talk about the A, H does send me emails when he sees I am down or deep in thought. His last email to me said something to the effect... I know your thoughts get the best of you and I dont tell you enough but I love you very much and need you. I dont want to lose you.... Emails like this really help. He also has said via emails several times, that he made a drastic mistake and wish he could turn back the clock but he cant. He also has thanked me for hanging in with him through this whole mess. So I need to keep remembering these emails especially when I think he may have spoken with OW. My H works in a small office with OW and somedays this gets to me. So I remember emails and I also keep reminding myself that he comes home to me everyday. So be patient. He will come around and he needs to get throughhis many conflicting feelings.
I also agree that you should work on the R right now and deal with the A issue later. Right now I'm at the point where H doesn't really know if he wants to stay but has agreed to TRY for the sake of the kids. But I think there's other things keeping him here that he just doesn't want to admit. He told me that NO ONE knew about the A and I know he really doesn't want anyone to find out. His family (his mom in particular) would ring his neck!!) I've been his mom's "other daughter" not just DIL for over 15 years. She's always looked out for me and wanted to be sure her son was treating ME right. And I think deep down he realizes that he committed to me 15 years ago. I think a lot of the anger he's showing me has to do with guilt too. He has never really said he was sorry, only said he "didn't do this to spite me." He has said things like "why couldn't you figure this out years ago" when I told him about all the changes I've made lately. I really have figured A LOT out and really wish I could turn back the hands of time, but I can't. I'm just hoping he's willing to give the "new me" or the "old, old me" the me he fell in love with and married, even more improved, a chance. But right now we don't talk about the A much. I'm concentrating on doing everything I can to get his love back. Then we can deal with the A issue and the trust issues later when we KNOW this is going to work and he's definitely going to stay. The only thing we really talk about now is whether or not he has had contact with her. So far I don't think he's had contact with her for almost a week. We're taking it one day at a time right now. That's what I suggest for you too. Nothing else you can do. And I'm extremely impatient by nature, so this is really hard for me!! I see VERY MINOR improvements each day. Last night he wasn't interested in S at all but he did let me snuggle with him most of the night. We have a king size bed, so it's easy for us to sleep without getting anywhere near the other person (and we're not big people). But he didn't move away from me at all. It felt SO GOOD to snuggle with him! Actually felt like he was MINE again, at least for a little while.
