Hi Nik, I'm so sorry that this has happened. Conflict avoiders often pick up lots of passive aggressive defense mechanisms. You might want to read up on this very hurtful and damaging coping skill, because it may give you some insight as to how he reacts to life. One I can think of is: Living with a Passive Aggressive Man.
It seems the fixer, nurturer type and the passive aggressive type often become 'partners'. I don't think it a sustainable relationship unless people are willing to confront what they are and how they react...and of course, conflict avoiders won't do that.
Perhpas your H might consider going the route of divorce counseling which, with the right counselor, can really be marriage counseling in disguise. But without your H really SEEING what causes him to think, feel and react the way he does...all the DBIng in the world is like a small bandaid.
I guess the important thing to remember is that H probably brought a lot of this 'damage' into the marriage. Chances are he never even knew he had fears and anger and resentment and that it became directed at you. I'd like to believe that these are good men who just can't seem to face issues that need facing.
It is good that both of you are trying to be there for the babies. Good luck!! gd
Bob, Great to hear from you. We were all wondering how you were doing. I understand why you had to leave for awhile but how are things now? email me: nikatnight04@yahoo.com
Dagny, I am still so glad that things are going well for you. It's great to see how a conflict can arise but as adults you get past it, learn and move forward. If only everyone were as bright as all of us. LMAO!
gd1, I will definately read what you recommended. You pegged my H just right. I don't think these "types" of people are purposely driving us all crazy they just lack some very important skills pertaining to conflict.
I've been away for alittle bit. I was waiting to have more news before I posted. They latest is: H and I have been procrastinating with telling the kids. Actually it is more H procrasinating and me just waiting for him to be ready so we can tell them together. We had planned on having our talk last sunday, then wed., then friday and now it was suppose to happen today.
H and I talked over the week and it is alot of pressure to move home and make our M "better/great." Sage enlightened me to that! The "plan" at the moment is for H to stay overnight the next few days and see how he internally "handles" it and just see if we can test out the waters.
We may very well be prolonging an inevitable D. No question about that but something keeps us both procrastinating a bit longer.
H actually stayed over night 3 days last week because I had to be out of the house earlier than normal and he needed to watch the kids. That seemed to be fine.
Quote: H and I talked over the week and it is alot of pressure to move home and make our M "better/great." Sage enlightened me to that! The "plan" at the moment is for H to stay overnight the next few days and see how he internally "handles" it and just see if we can test out the waters.
Nik, I could spot it because I think it's how my h has felt at times -- the notion that it will never be THERE (right, fixed, whatever) and that he'd have to give up himself and his dreams to focus all that energy! Truth be told, it was a good lesson for me too -- because it reminds me to focus on what works and to stop trying to fix every darned thing at time zero (instantaneously).
My 2 cents...really focus on strengthening the ties by focusing on the "good stuff" -- there's plenty of time to tackle the stuff that needs to be fixed -- Is it (author) Harley that says that every negative interaction should be offset by 5 or more good ones?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I have to chime in here to say that it really is hard for an H to return. I know it was hard for mine - but in the end, he did it.
Can you imagine making a big scene about something - and having all your friends and family find out about it - and then having to admit you over-reacted or were wrong?
That is what your H feels like. You are right to be flexible in how things progress. Experimenting with several nights at home - and it might eventually lead to all of them at home!
If it works - go for it. There is no cookie cutter way to make the return smooth. Those of us who have had success can only share what worked for us. I don't know if you recall, but my H moved home without any discussion at all. I am happy to say that was over 3.5 months ago.
Anyway, don't carry the "postponing the inevitable" attitude with you this week okay? Project the "this is the man I love and we have a great family" attitude. You may be surprised to see how that mental shift can do wonders.
Lastly, I agree with whoever said that you should focus on the great parts - and the good parts. It kind of makes the not-so-good parts lose their importance. They may even slip away never to be heard from again.
Good luck!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Hello Nik.... so sorry for your sit to be here. Things seemed to be turning around there for a bit. I'd have to say that totite is probably right (not that i would know firsthand) but my STBXH told me from the start that he wanted to keep it as quiet as possible. When I asked why I don't think I ever really got an "answer" more of an excuse - "because it's none of their business". I think it had to do w/the fact that if he came back he would be less humiliated and embarassed. Whatever they need to make them feel better.......
Anyway, my 2 cents would be to stop talking about it for now unless you want out.???? I guess I say this coz my WAH has been putting things off for the past yr since we started talking about D and every once in a while I bring things up for us to "stir the pot again". It's like they want it but they don't.......who knows.
Unfortunately, you've been doing this off and on for a while and I'm sure it doesn't get easier each time...so what path are you willing to take? Do you still want to save your M? If so, have you tried any of Michelle's other resources like the videos or tapes? Maybe something to try and share w/H and see where that goes? He seems so uncertain that if taken in the right direction, he could come back for good once he got over the "hump". But it's getting him to that point that takes it out of him it appears......... Well, I thought the video and tapes were just as good as the book and the videos show both sides of the story. Just a thought.........
Take care roomie...LOL...hope things brighten up for you soon... if not, I might have to send Eddy over to do a VB-BS... Tootles.................
None of this is easy, is it? I remember going through what Sage talks about... I'd have an attitude that this is good, but it isn't enough, I want more, he doesn't do .... Fill in the blanks! I don't know when my mentality shifted away from that and came to accept things as they are, and be happy with what I have, but I'm reaching that stage (at least about my M, so many other things to still stress about!).
((((NIK))))....I'm back and missed you. Wanted to catch up ASAP. Wow, you have really been on the rollar coaster the last month. Tough stuff....rough ride.
I totally agree with waht Jackie just advised.....
Quote: don't know when my mentality shifted away from that and came to accept things as they are, and be happy with what I have, but I'm reaching that stage (at least about my M, so many other things to still stress about!).
Focus on the good on your life. Good luck!
I think that I am even finally getting that concept....you can check my post and I will elaborate my stuff there. But when we finally shift our attitude to accept what we have.....not wanting more RIGHT NOW and wanting it all FIXED right now....just taking what we get from our H's and reinforcing what works....letting time heal, taking care of ourselves....letting our H's figure themselves out....being lovingly distant....CONFIDENT...and loving our kidlets and those around us. Then....over time....a long time.....they may get over the "hump".....
Someone said....I think quoting Haley....that one difficult interaction...bringing up hard issues and causing pain in the R, sets us back at least 5 paces in the healing process. I am starting to "get that"....geez this is hard, constant work.
Continue with the patience....no R talks....let him lead the pace....(that is if you still want this M, only you know that deep in your gut). If you are truly ready to get out, accept you can do this on your own...and that your cores with H are too broken....than go there.
Quote: I'd have an attitude that this is good, but it isn't enough, I want more, he doesn't do .... Fill in the blanks! I don't know when my mentality shifted away from that and came to accept things as they are, and be happy with what I have, but I'm reaching that stage
You must have read my mind!! My biggest fill in the blank is the lack of affection. Until the bomb I was given so much affection and now that I only get a hug it is killing me. It's a fine line b/n accepting what I have and wondering if I am settling for crumbs from H. Do you know what I mean?
Mooka, So glad you are doing so well.
Quote: But when we finally shift our attitude to accept what we have.....not wanting more RIGHT NOW and wanting it all FIXED right now....just taking what we get from our H's and reinforcing what works....letting time heal, taking care of ourselves....letting our H's figure themselves out....being lovingly distant....CONFIDENT...and loving our kidlets and those around us. Then....over time....a long time.....they may get over the "hump".....
More wise words that I always need to hear.
Thanks to everyone for their replies. I always appreciate it so much. I need to spend more time on the board catching up with everyone else.
Well, my son is screaming/crying right now because he wants to go to disney.com. He just had his tonsils out today. He did very well. I better run.
You seem to be at a point where you feel you HAVE to decide to make it or break it. Do you really? Or is that when the frustration of your stich gets the better of you and you want to blow off this whole DBing attitude? Remember, not to let your emotions rule.....in fact they can sabatoge us and set us back. Trust me, I know this one well.
If, in a calm state....after a few days....you really are ready to move on...w/o H (not in reaction to him) but truly in your heart/head. Than do it...gently so as not to have any regrets about how you acted or what you said. Do it with a loving heart (that one God planted in us!!) If NOT....hang on...just take each day/hour one at a time and do what's best for Nik and her kids. Just make your decsions based on calmness...not reactionary.
Thanks for your continued support and cheer-leading.
Hope your little guy heals quickly from his minor surgery!
Tootles................. 
