So through shrewd (LOL) detective work, I discovered that my LDH masturbates at least 3 times a week. I noticed he had been waking up early and tiptoeing out of the bedroom, but hadn't thought much of it until I was cleaning one day and noticed a porn mag in his nightstand. So then (during his early morning tiptoes) I would peek and notice he took the mag to the bathroom with him.
SSM talks about respecting your LD spouse's "horny" times and for H that is in the morning. Even though I prefer nighttime sex, I have tried to respect (and cater to) his morning preferences (even though he's made no effort to cater to my evening prefs). I've also made it clear to him that if he wakes up horny and I'm asleep he is free to awaken me. Now I see he is choosing to masturbate instead of wake me up. I've come close to asking him about this but haven't gotten up the nerve.
I don't know how I'm not supposed to feel rejected/gross/awful/unattractive by the fact he prefers to wake up and tiptoe off to the bathroom with Playboy than wake me up. I try not to internalize this stuff, but it happened again this morning and I just laid in bed crying. Then I end up being pissy with him all day, yet I can't bring myself to tell him why. I don't want him to feel ashamed about masturbating - but we have had this conversation at least 100 times in the past and he ends up feeling ashamed and I end up feeling like the mom punishing him for looking at dirty magazines and it just seems to push him farther away.
I know the 180's out there are thinking "When you notice him get up and sneak away, open the bathroom door and give him a BJ" right? I think my self-image is just too low to even think of doing this. If he wanted ME he would wake up and have ME! He wants his hand and a magazine.
Have you ever tried telling him how often you want to ML in a given week? What was his response to that?
You know it is such a private thing that I don't know what to tell you about the mbation except to say to try and fight for increased lovemaking and leave the mb alone.
The only other thought I had was to put a note on the playboy that says, "Come find me right now!" or something like that. Lighthearted and sexy would be the tone you would want to set. Or get it out one night and ask to look at it together..
Other than that, I would leave it alone. The more you probe this issue, the farther away he will get. I think emphasizing increased frequency between you two is the way to go. I like the idea of setting your alarm in the morning and hookin up then. I just couldn't do it every day. My body is still asleep at 4:30 when H wakes up so it would be for him, only.
Besides, I loooooooove to ML at night--that is when I blow off all steam accumulated from the day, wear myself out, and drift peacefully off to sleep, hot and sweaty and happy.
I hear this over and over again, but as an HDM, I just don't understand it. Why would anybody choose MB over ML with a willing W?
I only have one possible explanation. Unfortunately, that explanation probably applies more to the SSM than to a typical M. I could understand going for the quick and uncomplicated MB in the situation where the W is going to make a big deal of ML and you’re just not up for that. That doesn’t really sound right, so let me try to explain. Sometimes you’re just horny. You don’t want emotional involvement, you don’t want to put a lot of effort into it, you don’t want to talk about it or analyze it; you just want to get your O and go on. If your W is one that will go for the occasional quickie – all the better. If your W is one that will do the occasional “gift” BJ without expecting immediate reciprocation (MM) – that’s good too. But if there’s a problem in the R, if you haven’t ML in a long time and you just know that your W is going to make a big deal out of it, if you’ll feel that you have to give you W an O and you’re just not up to putting forth the effort, then I could see that MB might be appealing.
I honestly could never see me buying that line, but it does present a reasonable explanation. The only catch is that all of the W I've seen complaining about this invariably seem reasonable in their demands; they all seem to understand that sometimes you just want to be done, and don’t have a problem with that. Just take a look at the thread with the discussion about being used as a receptacle. There seems to be nearly universal agreement that it’s OK as long as it’s not the norm and as long as there is real LM going on at other times.
Quote: Have you tried waking a few minutes before him and initiating ML?
Yes, I have. But he will only give in and have sex with me once every couple of weeks or so. If I initiate more than that he accuses me of wanting sex "all the time."
(You know, being back on this board and seeing myself typing my thoughts out in black 'n white again is REALLY eye-opening! Do they have a graemlin for slapping yourself in the face?!)
Besides, I loooooooove to ML at night--that is when I blow off all steam accumulated from the day, wear myself out, and drift peacefully off to sleep, hot and sweaty and happy.
EXACTLY! I am the same way. The busier and more exhausting my day, the more in the mood I am. IT SUCKS!
H and I had some weeks there last Spring where we were really communicating about sex and I was clear about the frequency I would prefer. (Okay, so I played it down a little bit - if I told him 4-5 times a week he would have flipped!) He says he just can't give me more than once every couple of weeks because he is too tired. Tired is his biggest reason for not wanting to ML.
I like your idea of putting a note in his Playboy. With my luck he would inadvertently flip past that page. Thanks for your advice about not mentioning the mbating - no need to isolate him even further. On the other hand...I wonder what Schnarch would say???
Quote: they all seem to understand that sometimes you just want to be done, and don’t have a problem with that.
I've definitely made this clear to H. And there have been times (especially when I was pg and he was afraid to have sex with me) that I have taken care of him and have not asked for (or expected) anything in return. I can think of a dozen times I have specifically said, "You know, if you ever wake up horny and just want to have a quickie that would be very exciting for me and something I would love to do for you."
He has said before, almost word for word, what you said about "sometimes for a guy you just want to have the O". My general stance on masturbation (during our previous conversations) has been: I don't mind if you do it, it's perfectly normal, but I think it's unhealthy if you are mbating more often than we are ML'ing. He says he agrees, and I also know he doesn't realize I know how frequently he is MBing.
I hear this over and over again, but as an HDM, I just don't understand it. Why would anybody choose MB over ML with a willing W?
I don't understand either but I know how you feel HH. Even during the years of ML on a more regular basis I once found my H mbating beside me in bed while I was crying myself to sleep because his LD was upsetting me. I have always been willing to give him a quickie or BJ although at the moment I am not happy with being his blow-up doll whenever he feels the urge (once every 6-8 weeks). My H never gives me an O once he has 'finished' to him his ejaculation is the 'end'.
I feel for you HH but I recommend that you try to put these thoughts aside, give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to work on the R and having your needs met.
I think the masturbation issue is a loaded one. You would do best to leave it well alone and approach the issue from the angle of what you want. I know it is hard because it makes you feel rejected, and rightly so.
I am glad that I never approached masturbation in a negative way, although I always wanted to. It is a very private part of his sexuality and it is his alone. WB gave you some excellent insight on this. I have some more thoughts on this and I'll try to organize them and post them in my thread so as to avoid hijacking yours.
