H & I have been separated for a little over a year. He came back for a month in the spring, then wanted nothing to do w/ me ever, was talking D, etc. I think I started detaching some, he heard his sister wanted to set me up w/ someone & suddenly he was around again - after not giving me even a hello when I saw him at work for a few weeks. We started hanging out again, talking, ML, & talking about the future again. He talked about counseling & having kids. We were never going to get divorced but needed to take it slow etc etc. I agreed & thought, AGAIN, that maybe this was finally it.
We have been getting along well for the last month or so but I was starting to feel that he was only coming around whne he needed something from me & therefore I got resentful. I tried to DB, but didn't always do so well. A couple other factors played in to my moods which were going downhill - in process of changing anti-d meds & H was best man in weddding that I was not invited to. I was jealous & worried about possible OW (new ones) but tried to not show it.
Anyway - we had a bad week last week, arguing & such. But, had worked through a few issues, including him telling me that he was not dating or screwing around w/ anyone. So, I figured we were still working on our R - he had brought up conversations about how we can improve our communication, etc.
Last night I called where he is living to give him a phone message & was told that they hadn't seen him much the last 2 weeks (since their wedding) & that he was at M's house all the time now. So I guess my instincts were correct - he has now told a few people, including his dad, that he got really drunk at wedding reception & woke up w/ this chick in his bed the next morning. Guess they have been together ever since. He even introduced her to his dad which really surprised (& hurt) me. He said his dad really liked her & said that he better "take care of things" w/ his wife if this is what he wanted. She is friend of people that got married. I guess she has 4 kids & doesn't work - he has always said that he never wanted to be w/ someone & raise their kids or be w/ someone that wanted him to support them. The funny thing is, he came over the day after the wedding cuz he says he wanted to see me. He still has been calling & coming by sometimes. It's like he is nicer to me when he is w/ someone else. I don;t know if he feels guilty, is keeping his options open or what. Part of me feels it is good because he can't make a total break from me but part of me feels that he is using me.
Found out he was also seeing ex OW (that he left for originally) while we started working on things again. I broke down today - a couple people came out & said that they have tried to be supportive of me this last year but it is time to move on because if he really loved me, he would be making more of an effort. It is hard to hear when people say that maybe I need to realize that he doesn't really love me - I don't want to believe that. Also that I deserve better. I agree with that part - I have let him take advantage of the situation by not setting any boundries. He knows that I I am always here if he needs me which is a habit I need to break. A guy friend at work said that deep down I must know this is wrong for me & that I need to love myself & not put up with H's crap, etc. I know they all care about me but it is hard to hear & also the reason I hold so much inside & don't talk to anyone about our R.
I know that I would be thinking the same thing if I was in their shoes, on the outside looking in. But, I love him & just can't get past that & what could be.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know I don't get much usually since I don't ever feel that I have any to give, but I really need some direction here.
I know people on here that have made things work after long separations but I am starting to believe the "Divorce" propaganda that people are giving me. It just hurts so much - I am really struggling w/ detaching. I tell myself every night that there is still a chance w/ him if I detach & get my own life & I will either be happier alone or meet someone else or it will draw him back. But, in the heat of the moment, I lose my patience & don;t always DB like I should.
As for advice, not sure that I have anything to offer other than to do what is right for YOU.
It is easy for friends and outsiders to have the opinion to move on. I think that would have been my response had I not gone through this.
Here's the bottom line. None of us are in your shoes. We are in simular ones but not the same. Only you can decide what is the path for you.
You know that this process is VERY long and that your H is off in la la land. Does that mean he won't ever return? No one can say.
You also know that during this process there is much for you to learn about yourself.
For me, I have realized that I am not ready for anyone in my life. That doesn't mean that my XH is out of my life. We still see each other and are enjoying each others company. We both have many wounds that need time to mend. We are just being soft and fun with each other. I am ok, just hanging out and working on me and leaving him to his own issues. I have REALLY dropped the rope. I leave contact up to him. Otherwise I go about my life understanding there is much to do before I could even hope to be successul in a new R either with H or anyone else.
Thanks for posting Water. I know I need to work on me, have been trying for months now. I think part of the reason I get so anxious & impatient for things to happen now is because I really wanted to have kids & since i turn 36 tomorrow, I feel that my window for that is beginning to disappear. If it wasn't for that, I think I could be more calm about it & figure that things will work out in time for us if they are supposed to.
H gave his 2 week notice at work today. One minute it is because I am there & he wants to get away from me, the next time it is because he will probably be losing his drivers license next week & won't be able to get there. It is so hard to sit by & watch someone self-destruct. I feel like it is partially my fault because he says I would never accept that things were over & move on. he seems to forget that every time I started to distance my self from him, he came back around & talked about working on the relationship.
I know he has alot of problems right now & i worry about him so much. He hurt my feelings today by saying that all I care about is me & how this situation looks to other people. If that were the case, I don't think I would have been in tears most of today, worrying about what will happen when he quits his job - he doesn't have another & he is limited in where he can work because he has a felony on his record & did some time for it. I want him to be back with me, but more than anything, I don't want him to screw up his life worse than it already is right now. I know that I am not responsible for his decision to quit but I still feel bad, if that makes sense. I know that I have done everything I can to support him, financially, emotionally, etc & it is alot more than most people would have ever done. I know it is time to drop the rope but I love him so much that I don't know how. I mean, I read about how to do it, but acting on it is so difficult. Talked to my boss about it today since I was upset & he heard H gave notice. He talked about how he & his wife got together - dated off & on in college, she moved out of state because he was too possesive, etc. When a friend convinced him that he had to completely let go - no letters, phone calls, etc, she came back to him & moved back to where he was living. He thinks if I tell H that I am done & can't do this anymore & completely back off from any communication, he will probably back in no time. Gee, sounds familiar...
Right now I am afraid that he will blame all his problems on me & our R in order to take it off himself. I just hope he doesn't talk himself in to hating me for supposedly ruining his life - I know this is not what happened & I can't control his thoughts but it is still hard to get past. Plus, he has told me in the past that one of the reasons he keeps changing his mind about D is because he sees me almost everyday & it makes him miss me. Now, he won't see me so he probably won't feel that way...
Just journaling, feel like I am going crazy the last couple days. Don't know why I am so over the top emotionally.
SLT~ Happy Birthday! (sorry its alittle late ) I hope you did something fun.
Quote: It is so hard to sit by & watch someone self-destruct.
Yes, SLT it is very hard to do this, yet you CANNOT change these things. He really needs to do this on his own. By trying to ease his pain you really are making things more difficult as it is putting off the process of him dealing with his own problems. The woman in us really wants to make everything nice and easy.
Quote: feel like it is partially my fault because he says I would never accept that things were over & move on.
SLT, you are responsible for your half of the marital problems, however, you are NOT responsible for his issues that he must deal with. Please understand this.
Quote: he seems to forget that every time I started to distance my self from him, he came back around & talked about working on the relationship.
Ummm SLT, you have hit on the KEY here. When you start to focus on YOU and go HAPPILY about your life. You are SOOO much more attractive and your H will go "hummm what is SLT up to. Do I really want to loose that?" This needs to be your focus. You noticed for yourself the results of you backing off and giving space. So lets do more of what works and less of what doesn't.
Quote: He hurt my feelings today by saying that all I care about is me & how this situation looks to other people.
They say ALL kinds of hurtful things. Mostly it is their own insecurities and issues that are being forced or projected on you. It's not about you, but him. This is hard when you hear these things spew from the person you love's mouth. However, you are so better served by letting that just roll off your back. When he knows you have changed the game and are not reacting in the fashion he had in mind, well that causes him to think.
Quote: I know it is time to drop the rope but I love him so much that I don't know how.
Dropping the rope does not mean that you stop loving him. It means you are loving him in THE WAY he needs most right now. To not react to his antics and to be his friend IF he needs you as he deals with his OWN issues. SLT, he knows you are there for him as you have done that many times before. Just be his friend. Act on your own life.
I remeber early on in my path here, I found letters my H had written to me before we were married. I remember thinking, I wish he would love me like that again.
Then it hit me... I WASN"T THAT PERSON, SO WHY WOULD HE? I was a hurt, needy, weak person. That needed to change ASAP and not for H but for ME.
I hope this helps and I know you are in such a hard place. I can sense the love you have for your H. But he really needs you to be his friend, a strong confident, fun happy person. Yes, that is hard when you so don't feel like it. But as you do that it will become easier. And sometimes that is enough to change the course you are on.
My thoughts are with you and I hope you have a great weekend.
Thanks Water, for the birthday wishes & advice. This whole situation just boggles my mind somedays.
Update:
H decided not to quit his job. He called me at work Tuesday & was basically being a pain. Started off saying that all he wanted was a divorce & for us to go our separate ways. He said this would be the last reason we had to contact each other. I pretty much said ok - didn't argue w/ him as usual except to stand up for myself as needed. He proceeded to call me back a lttle while later to reiterate that we would not be talking anymore, that he would not make anymore truck payments & would bankrupt me. I didn't give him much of a response. He then called again & said that I had a choice - he would either pay for starting divorce or would continue paying for truck, etc. Before I could say anything he said he would decide fo me - he was not going to file right now, was going to work on helping me pay bills, take care of truck pmts, etc. Doesn't want to screw me over. Wants to be more responsible. He asked if I would go w/ him to Secretary of State about his license. Said it would give us a chance to talk. I did & he lost his license for a year which was expected.
We talked on the way & he pretty much said he didn't want a D - if he did he would have done it along time ago. That is kind of what I have always thought but he doesn't make much effort to make this work. I brought up newest OW - he acted like it is nothing & said he isn't seeing her. Got himself wrapped up in a few lies but I didn't push the issue. I said he needs to decide what he wants - he said he wants his marriage but w/out all these problems. I agreed that we need to work thru some issues, but also said that it wasn't very realistic to expect to never disagree or for 1 of us to be in a bad mood ever. He said that he is going to make an effort on our R. Talked me in to stopping home for quickie before going back to work.
So this is where I need some wise DBing advice:
I know he loves me, but I also know he is lying about OW & OW in the past. I am almost positive he stayed at her place last night based on something I heard at work.
On one hand, I am glad we are interacting & talking again because I feel that is my only way to DB & show him changes in me. I found it interesting how detached I felt when he kept calling on Tuesday - I think over the weekend I had resigned myself to the fact that it was over & time to move on. I could tell he didn't like not getting much of a reaction out of me - I didn't cry at all! I told myself yesterday that I was gong to distance myself from him & let him come to me & make the effort. I think I can do that but I started down that road again of thinking more about him today, wondering if he is lying, what he is doing etc. He did call me three times during the day today.
I don't know how to handle all this right now - I don't think he really wants to lose me, but I don't see him making any moves in this direction. If anything, he wants his cake etc etc... I don't want to make any ultimatums because that will probably backfire on me. It is so hard to be patient. Is my best bet to continue DBing & make more of an effort to not always be available for him? One thing that crossed my mind when he said he didn't want a D is that he wants to keep his options open in case he needs something since he doesn't have a license now.
I keep telling myself to just get on w/ my life & have no expectations & he will probably surprise me. I do find that my life is less stressful w/out him in it & on my mind 24/7 (a reason for detaching?? ) but I do miss him alot. I think he needs to get a feeling that I may not always be there but I also don't want to give the impression that I don't want our M.
Sorry for the rambling & repeating myself. Need to find me some of that patience & start re-reading DR.
Feeling sad this weekend. I haven't spoke to H in over a week now. I think this is the longest it has been since this all started over a year ago.
It is weird not to talk to him at all & not know what is going on w/ him. It is probably better this way, but I just miss him alot today. Now I just feel sad & lonely sometimes as opposed to worried, frustrated, mad, anxious, etc. I don't expect him to come around or call so I am not waiting around for it & getting uptight & wondering what he was doing when I didn't hear from him.
Not sure why we are not talking. I am trying to detach but don't know why he is not talking to me. I was over at his plant for an open house the other day & he just kept staring at me - trying to play games I guess.
I helped a guy in his dept the other day with something. He was very appreciative & has told me this about 3 times. Friday he told me that he told H what a sweetie I was (he doesn't know we are apart). I had to laugh because one of H's big things is that people like me so much at work - I get along w/ everyone & am in a position to help them out w/ certain situations.
Anyway, don't know what to think. I wish we would have a reason to interact because I don't know what his mindset is right now. Still has new girlfriend I assume, if for no other reason than to have someone around, Hopefully it is just that.
Sounds like you are a little bit like in my position - you need to get your act together to seem attracive to your H, whether or not he has an OW, whcih of course means getting a life of your own. Take up with your own girlfriends and social circle, keep busy, go out in the evenings. Take up some activity that you enjoy, join a group or club or whatever, set your self some sort of goal that has nothing to do with your H or M. For example lose weight, get fit, learn a sport, take up a hobby, visit things/places you've always wanted to, redecorate the house, etc. This will bolster your self esteem and you'll find yourself on top of the situation more. Let you H do some wondering, running after you etc.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks Livnlearn. I follow your thread but don't know that I have ever posted. Never feel like I have much to offer to others situations.
This past week, I have really been trying to get a life & boost my self esteem. I started Weight Watchers this week & it is going well so far, of course it has only been about a week but I feel really good about sticking to it. I have alot of weight to lose but I know I will feel better about myself when it starts to come off. I think it is the biggest issue regarding my lack of self esteem sometimes. Not that losing weight will make everything perfect, but I know it will help my confidence.
I know that I need to do these things for myself. But, it certainly will not hurt if H notices. I just worry because he is a kind of "out of sight out of mind" person- I'm afraid he won't come running after me or wonder what I am up to.
I guess all I can do is detach & work on me. It has only been a week w/ no communication - I am not a very patient person - I know most of us here are not. In the back of my mind, I have a hard time believing that we will never be together again, but I also know it is a good possibility.
Thanks again for the input & I'll continue to follow your journey.
Well, I have been wanting to interact/talk w/ H & he actually called today. But, I end up feeling awful - sad, mad, frustrated etc. He makes it sound like his life is going so well now that I am not around. I know he is probably just pushing my buttons but I let him every time.
I like to keep in contact w/ him but it really drags me down sometimes. He still claims he wants D, but I have to remember that he has said that to me over & over & then later says he only said it cuz he was mad. I do worry about this new OW, if she is still around.
Trying to detach & get away from the day to day drama. Obviously he would never tell me if things were going bad. He kept staying on the phone today, so I guess that is something.
On a better front - I lost 5 1/2 lbs on my 1st week of Weight Watchers! Yeah me!!!
The funny thing is, he came over the day after the wedding cuz he says he wanted to see me. He still has been calling & coming by sometimes. It's like he is nicer to me when he is w/ someone else. I don;t know if he feels guilty, is keeping his options open or what. Part of me feels it is good because he can't make a total break from me but part of me feels that he is using me.
)
before going back to work.
) but I do miss him alot. I think he needs to get a feeling that I may not always be there but I also don't want to give the impression that I don't want our M. 
Yeah me!!!