Hey guys! Long time... for the past month we've been back in our bedroom. Hold the applause though, it's still chilly under the covers. I just wanted to drop in with this quick update while I had a chance. Gotta run, but will be back soon.
Well, I for one, have missed you. I'm glad you're back in the same bed. Sorry to hear that all is not well, yet. But at least it's a step in the right direction. Say hi to Glenn for me!
Hairdog, still sex-starved, after all these months.
Thanks Hairy and Lina! Gosh, where do I start? I feel as if I've been running around in circles... I'm exactly where I was back when I joined the board. Actually, that's not accurate. I'm having such a hard time and obviously my therapy hasn't helped at all. I'm hurting and I realize this is the craziest place for me to expect ANY kind of sympathy or empathy, as an LD.
Here's the problem. I love my H and want to make my marriage work - so why can't I *love* him as a wife should? I'm so sick of this. I'm an affectionate and compassionate person... but I am completely platonic with my H. I don't understand why I internally cringe when he wants a hug or kiss. I am so frustrated by the indifference I feel when he snuggles up to me in bed. I am sickened by the anger I feel when and if I feel an erection pulsing on my backside (through his underwear and my pajamas).
I feel evil just typing this - living it is unbearable. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking that I should tell him that if he wants an open marriage that I'm fine with it. Just because I am being celibate doesn't mean he has to be.
This is the Sex-Starved *Marriage* forum, not the "HDs of the world, Unite!" forum. (-:
Besides, most of us have spent a lot of time trying to sympathize with our spouses... I know I have.
And I know that he (my H, that is) feels the same way, though probably not to the same extent. He *wants* to love me as a man loves his wife, and though my H is a wonderfully affectionate man, he treats me like a lifesize teddy bear rather than wife... and he doesn't understand why, and it frustrates him. He hasn't said so, but I'm sure some part of him recoils when I make advances, because he doesn't want to have to respond to them one way or the other, and then feels bad because he recoils inside rather than responding naturally and passionately. I can't speak for the strength of any of these emotions, but I know that he feels them, and I'm sure they're natural in such a situation.
You're not evil - don't ever think that. There's just something that keeps you from responding to your husband physically. Whatever it is, it's no doubt something both of you share some responsibility in, not all your fault, not all his, but something that's a part of your relationship nonetheless. That's not evil - just unfortunate because it inhibits the level of intimacy the two of you share.
You're human. Human beings have all sorts of strange twists and turns inside. Wherever they come from, they're natural, and something we all have to struggle through and fight with. (I'd love to unknot the one that doesn't like me doing housework, myself.)
And you're not where you were when you joined - or at least it doesn't seem so to me. Then you were sort of trying to make him happy regardless of the cost to yourself, perhaps in the hopes of fixing the lack of intimacy you felt? - something that probably isn't purely physical intimacy, but something in your relationship... The physical aspect is just the easiest to focus on.
Whatever else has happened, you've learned some things about yourself and perhaps your boundaries. I know it doesn't help much immediately with the relationship and letting you feel like you're keeping your husband happy (though if it's like this, surely in some way he isn't keeping you happy in the long-term?), but from your posts, it seems to be true. Doesn't mean you aren't hurt and upset more, just that being hurt and upset shows that you're letting yourself really feel about it.
That you're still working and struggling with it all really shows what your relationship means to you. If it didn't mean anything, then it wouldn't bother you that you don't respond physically. The only question is whether it's your H or the emotinoal investment you've made into your marriage that you care about. (I'm not saying one way or the other, because I don't know. I hope, and from your earlier posts, feel, that it must be your H, but that could also be the hopeless romantic in me speaking. (-: )
What your answer is, I don't know, but you have my best wishes all the way.
(Personally, I would be really upset if my H said that if I didn't want to be celibate I didn't have to be. Just because I occasionally think, "I could find someone if I wanted to, see what he's missing?" doesn't mean I want him to give up on it - which, no matter how much I understood his motive would be concern for me and disappointment in himself, some part of me would perceive it as - and basically give me up to another man, or men. But that's just me.)
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
Thank you Lina, I was really down in the dumpster and your kind words helped me.
Quote: That you're still working and struggling with it all really shows what your relationship means to you. If it didn't mean anything, then it wouldn't bother you that you don't respond physically. The only question is whether it's your H or the emotional investment you've made into your marriage that you care about.
It is my H that I care about. I've always understood that his actions were never meant to intentionally hurt me... that is precisely why we're still together. As I've posted before, it seems that our sex life is the main problem in our marriage.
Shortly after submitting that last post, I realized that my whole celibacy "thing" was just a copout. It'd be the easy way out of any work on my part to simply suggest he look elsewhere for sex. The funny thing is, I've had 2 nightmares in the past 2 weeks where he does go outside the marriage and I'm completely torn apart by it. Yesterday I made the choice to break the ice and show more affection (baby steps). I believe Honeypot hits the nail on the head when she said,
Quote: I think that the lack of intimacy that comes from not having sex makes things so awkward that affection seems weird. Getting that close to a person and in their personal space seems odd unless you are regularly getting in their space anyhow!
It's so true... it's obvious!
I'm going on a 5 day trip tomorrow, all by myself to visit relatives (my grandmother and my M-I-L) and plan to get in some good reading and heart-to-hearts.
Thanks Honey! I'm going to *say goodbye* to my Grammy who has been diagnosed with liver cancer and to cheer me up, spending a few days with H's mom - who is one of my very best friends.
and to cheer me up, spending a few days with H's mom - who is one of my very best friends.