Does anyone have any wisdom on exit strategies? I know every situation is unique, but I could use some personal stories to help me figure stuff out.
I am HDW. We've been together 12 years, married 6. His LD started in our first year together. Over 2 years ago I found out about 6 secret relationships with OW over the course of our relationship. Most were EAs, but not all.
Since then, we tried marriage counseling that helped us through the initial crisis and then seemed to be like hitting a brick wall. So we flew to Colorado for intensives with PM's Ruth Morehouse. And almost a year ago we started therapy with a PM therapist. The PM therapist has helped the most.
But I'm running out of timelines that I keep giving myself in my head.
1) Financial. I got a job this year, but barely make enough to live on. 2) I know people stay together for their kids, we don't have any. We have dogs. People might think its silly, but it is difficult to have 4 dogs by yourself, and we also have a great home that we built together. 3. He is diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as of this year with the new therapist. But our therapist says she doesn't know if he'll ever want to "go" where he needs to go to heal (ie. do the work on himself and stop avoiding). 4. It's been 11 long sex starved years. We do have sex, but only when I demand it - used to be with uncontrollable crying. Lately I've decided that he has to initiate all ML sessions. I can't stand the rejection of him tensing up. He likes to make love once or twice a month. But he wants me to read his mind and initiate sex when he is in the mood. Obviously, this doesn't usually pan out well. I get ornary after 3 days - a constant struggle.
Before I found out about the affairs I felt I was being selfish if I left because everything else was so good. After the affairs I realized that everything else was not so good. I've been struggling with the stay/leave thing for over two years.
Anyway -
Any opinions on whether it is better to leave, or to have my H leave?
We have a large house and yard and animals and it is a lot to take care of. He would also have to continue to pay our bills if he left.
I don't know if I could live in a place that I felt safe on the money that I'm making. I also don't want to jeopardize the investment in the house and stuff in the house.
He told me last year when I was pretty sure I wanted a separation that he would leave and pay all the bills and I could have the house if we divorced.
I'm pretty "comfortable" financially now, it is really scary to give that up. We are also about $20k in debt, and are successfully paying that off (from $40k).
He is a good provider, very caring and supportive, but sometimes I just feel so incredibly hopeless about lack of sex and intimacy that I can't live with the thought of not having a physical intimate relationship before I die. (We're both 41). And I feel like I have a greater (albeit slim) chance of it if I leave. And also the negative stuff and the rejection sure makes living happily a daily struggle. When he's gone I miss him, but it is sometimes easier for me to be happy.
I've already invested so much into this relationship, I keep hoping that we can be physically close and intimate. And he obviously has some reason that he has LD, it appears to me like he was sexually abused, but he denies that. But he has little recollection of his childhood. Our therapist says his PTSD is from extreme neglect in his childhood coupled with physical abuse. She routinely asks him about possibly sexual abuse, but he always denies it.
Has anyone been through this experience of exit strategies? What did you do? How did you weigh your options?
Well, I haven't been where you are, but it seems that a guy who cheats on you AND doesn't want to have sex with you AND who you don't have children with is a pretty bad deal (btw - forget the therapist with the theories of "buried memories" of childhood abuse, okay? If H insists it didn't happen, it probably didn't.) Maybe he has chronic depression, or low testosterone, or just is inhibited - no need to make up complicated psychological explanations. The bottom line is, he cheated on you repeatedly and still isn't really doing the work it would take to regain your trust.
If you really are worried about the financial issues, why not give yourself a year to work at increasing your income (taking night courses, changing careers, getting a promotion, whatever) and paying down your debts so you will be in a better position if you leave. DO NOT rely on any promises your H had made to you in moments of guilt - they seldom keep those promises when you get down to brass tacks. Look into your state law to see what a divorce settlement would likely look like.
I am in a similar place as you are and I think that Ellie has given you excellent advice. I admire the lengths that you have gone to make your M work and with your H cheating on you and playing games with your urges, I think you deserve a whole lot better than that.
What I also think you need is not so much exit strategies but more an EXIT PLAN. I know what you mean by running out of timelines in your head, but try and give yourself the gift of one more timeline. That is to get out of the situation that you are in so that you are free to explore the richness that your life has to offer.
Give yourself a year or 2 to figure out your plan and to implement it. Set some goals around YOUR personal finances, approach your financial situation with an open mind and not neccessarity a 9 to 5 job and stash as much cash as you can without your H knowing about it. You own family may be able to help you with this.
Finally, get proper legal advice and start scribbling some numbers on the back of a paper napkin. Once your vision of where you want to be gets clearer, the rest will fall into place. Good Luck.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
