Lurked on this board a few times, read SSM, and the Snarsh ( sp?) books. I am quickly reaching the point where the big D looks like the best solution. I always promised to myself that it wouldn't get to that point, but one can only take so much and retain one's sanity.
We have two kids (5 and 3), 5 cats, 3 fish tanks and one large dog (Mastiff). We have been married 6 years and living together for 8.
As most people on this board, our sex life went from spectacular to good to OK to oh-hum to non-existent. With the last two steps corresponding with the births of our daughters.
My wife has been convinced that this is a physiological issue and has seen her doctor about it. She has tried testosterone shots, changing some of her prescriptions, and now Avlimil. Nothing's worked so far. For the past 3 years, we have had sex roughly on a quarterly basis. And the year before, we had no sex at all - that's when she was pregnant with daughter #2 and was ill the entire 9 months...
I do most of the housework, handle all the finances, do more than my share of taking care of the girls (who are both in daycare so that my wife can work), try to be the nicest guy there is. In my own eyes (of course) I have done nothing "wrong" and as a matter of fact I feel that I have done all I could.
After reading the various books I mentioned earlier, I did a fair bit of introspecting, and analysis of my marriage. That kind of changed my own perspective on things. I realize that I have not always reacted in the best way to our marital problems. I tried to ignore them, I tried to talk about them, I tried to exhibit the behaviors I would like my wife to adopt, and I have just withdrawn from the whole thing. Well, of course none of that worked.
This post is kindof all over the place, sorry about that.
I have come to realize several things about my marriage: - my wife and I have NO hobbies/occupations in common, other than our kids - my wife can be extremely selfish at times - I don't look forward to seeing her anymore - we have nothing to talk about - traveling with her is nearly impossible - I am still in love with my wife, which makes it all the harder to cope
We have no emotional or physical connection at all. I have noticed several patterns in the past that greatly trouble me. First my wife is nicest to me when she wants something from me (light touching, maybe a hug, "honey this", etc.) The rest of the time she is cold. Second, she only physically wants to be touched when she is horny. I know is she starts to kiss me or hug me that it's that time of the year. Thirdly, she only ever wants sex the first week after her period (which might point to a hormonal deficiency?)
I have grown resentful, I get angry easily now (very atypical), I am usually in a bad mood and I mentally use very bad words to describe my wife. I am quite honestly miserable. I have tried to do some 180s. For example, where I would withdraw into myself I have tried to be nice, and do thoughtful things for her. That resulted in her getting scared that I wanted sex (her own admission) and therefore she withdrew even further. I have tried to not do the housework so that I wouldn't resent having to do it all. None of it got done. She can actually live in a pig sty longer than I can.
Anyway, at this point, I have given myself until the end of the year to try and make some improvements. After that, I give up.
any advice would be appreciated, although finding a place to express myself, is helpful in and of itself.
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
Hey Madfrog. Welcome...sucks to be here, but since you're here, have some doughnuts and coffee. You'll find lots of support...your story is SO familiar.
Main question: Have you told your W that you've got a time limit? That would be something you'd probably want to share with her. That's only 3.5 months away, you know.
Second question: Do you really have an exit strategy, e.g. an apartment picked out, a lawyer picked out, etc.? I ask this last question because she's likely to call BS on you, and, if you can't back it up, it's yet another empty threat for her to throw on the pile. If you are really going to leave (and I'm not saying that's the solution), then you need to get prepared. Otherwise, you're just lying to her.
Hopefully, she'll get hit by lightning and wake up and she'll be a virtual dynamo of sexual energy. But not likely. Of course, don't listen to a thing I say, I'm kind of cynical these days.
NO I have not told her that I had a time limit. I don't want to give her an ultimatum: you better put out by the new year, or I'm out of here! I told her that I was unhappy, showed her the books I had bought, recommended the SSM as a good read (she didn't read it) I just feel that I have been trying hard, that I am running out of ideas - and she is entirely fixated on the physical. So if things don't change by the end of the year (start moving in the rght direction) I will insist that we see a counselor and then let her know that we are headed for a divorce. I am really scared about the whole thing and trying to not think about it but I can't continue to live like that either. Thanks for the welcome - and i try to not be a Homer. D'OH - the other one. =)
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
A counselor sounds like a good idea, although I have my doubts about finding a good and effective one. Make sure you do some investigation. It's especially hard to find one that is familiar with the Schnarch methods.
Hope you pick up some good ideas here. I know I have.
yeah, I've been reading a lot of the posts - and that leaves me feeling confused.
See, I never thought of myself as HD, or my wife as LD. Our roles were rather the opposite when we first started dating. She was coming off a bad marriage and we had incredibly good sex at least once a day. She was wild in bed and I usually was the one trying to duck out of it (you can only be late at work so many times because of morning sex before you get fired!) As time went on, my drive stayed pretty constant, to lower (with kids, work, commute, etc.) and hers dropped off completely. I don't know which was the chicken or the egg here - but the end result is that I find myself with an increasingly strong drive (due to near-celibacy, impending MLC ???) and nowhere to go wid' dat thang. So I resent her for that. And that adds up in a big way to all the other little BS we all have to deal with in relationships. I have such dark-colored glasses on right now (metaphorically speaking) that I really don't want anything to do with the woman. I would love nothing more than to be able to turn her down next time she's feeling horny because I have come to feel so used and taken for granted.
I'm a big chicken and while we have talked about the sex problems, I have not come out full-force about exactly how bad this makes me feel. Although I think she has a clue (the last two conversations we had about our marriage, she started by asking me if I wanted a divorce...)
hmmm...where the hell is that "The Complete Idiot's Guide to healthy relationships" anyway?
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
Hey there Mad frog - Has she had her thyroid checked - and checked again? I went through a bad period of low drive when my thyroid problems were bad. Didn't really like being touched because my body physically felt so horrible and uncomfortable. Was tired all the time and lacking in motivation. Figured we'd just slog through it and never understood how badly it was hurting my H when I turned him down.
Some things that might help in your sitch - 1) fully support your W in her efforts to get medical help. This is an area we know little about, but she had a normal drive before, she should be able to again, it may just take a whole lot of persistence, maybe by you doing research with her, going with her to the doctor's, not making it HER problem that SHE has to fix but OUR problem that WE want to fix may help.
2)Figure out how to shower love in her love language (read The Five Love Languages by Chapman). The more loved you make her feel, the better she'll feel about sex.
3) Quit criticizing her and start telling her all the things you appreciate about her, all the ways she is beautiful to you, etc.
4) AFTER you have been doing number 3 for a while - than go to her, in a quiet moment, and tell her how rejected and unnattractive you feel when she rejects you sexually. (I never imagined my H could think I thought he was unnattractive!!)
kml: yup, got her thyroid checked several times. It appears to be fine.
I have been as supportive as i could. I offered several times to go with her to the doctors' visits and have told her on many occasion almost exaclty what you said word for word: "I consider this to be OUR problem, not hers." No luck.
I tried to make her feel loved. She withdrew ven further because she was afraid I wanted to have sex with her (her words) I backed down. (probably shouldn't have)
I NEVER criticize her about this. Or about much of anything really. I'm more of the door-mat, let's keep the peace kind of guy. I'm working on that.
She doesn't really get to reject me sexually 'cause I've pretty much given up on trying. These days I wait until the horny signs come up. I know it's a mistake, and I intend to work on that next. I just need to roll up my sleeves and get back to work.
thanks for the input.
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
Quote: I NEVER criticize her about this. Or about much of anything really. I'm more of the door-mat, let's keep the peace kind of guy. I'm working on that.
Many of us have lived in your world; in fact, many still do. It's nothing short of amazing the debasement we'll put ourselves through in the hopes that if we make our spouses happy and comfortable enough, then they'll want to ML with us. It doesn't work. I don't know what to tell you at this point, but the mindset this quote exemplifies ain't gonna do it.
BTW, I love your location. Just remember, Odysseus did make it through alive. He may have lost a few crewmen, but he made it.
yeah, I have admitted to myself that it is a problem and am gathering the required cojones to start addressing it. (see my reply in hairdog's b-day thread) It is damn hard to keep a life-long habit that has sabotaged most of my relationships in the past, and led me to fall for a specific kind of person.
At least, Odysseus had crewmen. I am currrently sailing a one-seater here. The trick is to regain some of one's self, and not lose any more than already done.
Speaking of location, I used to live in your neck of the woods a few years ago. DFW area.
thanks.
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
I suppose we can say that it's our "doormat" mindset that is keeping us from moving forward. I think it's definitely that mindset that led us to and helped us to connect to the type of people our wives are. However, even though I've made some big changes in stopping being a doormat, it usually just ends up pissing off W more, and doesn't seem to make her say, "wow, this manly man is standing up for himself...I want his body, now!"
Right now, I'm in an "affection-lite" phase. I don't feel like hugging or kissing her much, so I don't do it. I don't say that she looks great or pretty or sexy, because, frankly, I'm not feeling particularly attracted to her. I listen to her tales of work and her day, and that is probably the extent of what I do for her right now.
I'm focusing more on my kids and their needs right now, because of school starting, and I am trying to find something like a hobby to get involved in so I don't just collapse in front of the TV at 9pm.
Yes, my "doormat" quality has left me with no real hobby after all these years of trying to please my ex and my W.
