Thanks for being here for me. I didn't want to mention the guns, but I am getting scared. I don't know my H anymore. There was an article in the paper yesteday about a romance novelist who was murdered by her Vietnam Vet husband because she threatened to divorce him.
I am going to pick him up at the airport and approach him with the latest evidence. I am going to tell him he has to leave.
I could stay next door at my parents'...(which means I have to tell them what is going on, and then my whole family will know.)
My H returns sunday after 9PM. He has a trip tuesday to the opposite side of the country from where the OW lives. He has arrangements for a "date" there tuesday night with someone new.
I have a friend who offered to store the weapons, but there are so many they would take up my entire car trunk. And then there are knives, like the big one in his nightstand. And guns are so easy to get. He could even snap my neck.
I am trying to accept and process these latest developments -- a really hard thing to do.
Thanks, thanks, your input really helps. But, no one can do for me what I must....Keep me in your prayers. Mare
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 06-11-99).]
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 06-11-99).]
I could take the kids to a motel, pick him up at the airport, drop him off at home and go to the motel myself. Just another thought. Oops, I am going to need all the money I can scrape together, maybe we could stay with friends.
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 06-11-99).]
My H just called me from his Mom's. He sounded great...
He knows his other online e-mail is compromised, I just tried to get into it and couldn't.
He said his trip to the other coast { where his " date" with someone new is} has been rescheduled for the following week. He will be here all this coming week.
I found a webpage on sexual addiction. The symtoms fit my H to a T. So, he has PTSD, a drinking problem, is emotionally abusive, physically violent and has sexual addiction. I can do nothing else for him as that would be construed as enabling. I am going ahead with plans to ask him to leave when I pick him up tomorrow. He needs to get help and he needs to take care of that. I wish I could predict what will happen,,, Thanks for being here. Mare
Mare, I'm glad you feel comforted by the folks here- as you should. But I really want you to get professional help to sort this out and for support. If your husband has a tendency to be violent, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS IN THE CAR!! In fact, I wouldn't necessarily show him what you found. I would prefer you had a meeting with a therapist who could advise you as to how to present your ideas to him in the safest possible way. If you can't wait until Monday, could you be at your parents and ask him to come over so there would be other people around?
Look, everyone here is giving you advice based on what they know about violence in general. No one here knows your husband. Trust your gut. Will he react violently to your saying you want to get out of the marriage? If so, don't tell him that without taking precautionary steps first. If not, tell him, but don't do it angrily. In either case, you should have a back up plan if things get rough.
Get help no matter what you do. The DB family does not take the place of professional counseling. It's clear that your husband needs help, but you need to go even if he won't.
Michele, Thanks for answering my post. I have altered my strategy a little. I will be okay. I have sent you an e-mail requesting a referral for an appropriate therapist. Mare
Mare, Are you alright? Please let us know whats happening, when you get a chance? We want to know you are OK. I understand you might not have immediate access to your PC so will be patient. I know we are not your 1st concern Hope everything went well! Did you tell your parents? If they dont now know you may want to consider filling them in. I imagine you could use the emotional support. Will continue to pray for you! Tempest
You know the expression about not being out of the woods, yet? Well, I am just heading into the woods and it is going to be a long walk.
My husband was absolutely charming and sober when he deplaned. When we got in the car I told him I needed to speak, I had to get some things off of my chest. So, there in the parking lot I said my peace about his emotional abuse, my finding his alternate e-mail sites and want ads, his lies, his conflict about not wanting to throw the marriage away and acting as if it is already in the garbage, our dysfunctional family, his possible sexual addiction, the PTSD, the availability of help and his need for help. I told him he had to pack and move out because I couldn't live in hell anymore. I told him I couldn't fix him and I couldn't fix our marriage. He had to do it. I cried buckets of tears but I was succinct and non-combative. He was calm and definitely surprised/shocked by my words.
We talked a little on the way and then I pulled over so I could listen and speak. He finally admitted to having sex with the OW, this is a huge step. He said he felt really compulsive about his behaviour and didn't know what to do. He said the OW was trying to dump him and he couldn't let her go, not because he loved her, but because she was a challenge and if she dumped him that meant he was a failure. We talked about VietNam. He then wanted to know if I wanted him to pack that night. When he calmly said that, I was surprised because I just didn't know how he would react to being thrown out. I told him since it was already past midnight that he could wait until the AM. He said he would be worse if he had to leave. SO, I told him that if he arranged for help this week, he wouldn't have to move out. I think I said it a couple times. He went to work yesterday and then came home. I wanted to ask him if he had made any arrangements, but since I gave him a week to handle this, I didn't ask. After dinner, he told me he had talked to VA and that he needed some information from our files to take with him. He has an appointment this week to go for help. THIS IS GREAT! I am hoping for a good resolution to this, but I am aware that things may not turn out as I desire. If he sticks with this, it will take a while to turn things around.
I think I want to do Retrouvaille and I found a retreat for couples with VietNam PTSD and I want to know the truth from him. I know I cannot push for any of this right now. I know I/we have to take baby steps. His going to VA is a giant step and a baby step.
Thanks to God for all of you for your support and prayers. Thank you for your books Michele, I can truly say that I am incorporating your insights into my being. Now, we have to live through what develops. With your support, I can do this.
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 06-15-99).]
Hi, I'm glad your talk went to well, it sounds like you picked a good time, when he was sober and charming and receptive. I was afraid for your safety as was everyone who has read this post. Keep up the good work, and continue to stay safe!
Mare, I am so relieved your talk went well. Well? what am I saying it went GREAT!! His admitting the problems sounds like the 1st big step toward fixing things. With my H his guilt had been holding him back, once he confessed to me, once it was all out in the open, a huge burden was lifted from his shoulders. He was able to have hope for us again. The guilt had been killing him and the fear of me finding out had been immobilizing him. I told him he had to show me he was sincere and he did. Just as your H is!!! YES!!! He has contacted the VA and he has admitted he has a problem, a problem that effects you. basicly he has acknowledged you are right in your concerns. Now WE knew you were right, but dosent it feel good to finally have him acknowledge it? Yes, you are just entering the woods, you have a long way to go, but you have finally began the journey HOME!!!
