My wife and I have agreed to start working with a sex therapist starting this month. A real victory, eh?
But in the meantime, the pressure of not having sex really gets to me. And at least in theory, masturbation should offer release. It does sort of, but I am finding that I have a hard time figuring out what to do with my head when I do it. If I think of my wife while I masturbate, I feel all the emotions of her pushing me away and being sexually closed to me, and that is a real turn off. But if I think of other women, I find that I spend more and more of my time thinking sexually about other women, and my eyes wander worse and worse. I've tried just focusing on the physical sensation, which sometimes seems to work well, but mostly not.
Any tips on how to use masturbation constructively to relieve sexual pressure in a relationship?
Quote: My wife and I have agreed to start working with a sex therapist starting this month. A real victory, eh?
Congratulations, and I mean that most sincerely. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, eh?
Quote: If I think of my wife while I masturbate, I feel all the emotions of her pushing me away and being sexually closed to me, and that is a real turn off. But if I think of other women, I find that I spend more and more of my time thinking sexually about other women, and my eyes wander worse and worse.
I will share with you my recent experience.
Until recently, I was an avid consumer of online porn. Of course, frequent MB went along with it. I quit using porn a couple months ago as one of the things I wanted to do to reclaim my self respect, as well as removing some of the barriers that had formed between me and my wife. Although the frequency of MB decreased, I certainly did not give up it up. The physical tension would be too much. So I needed to start forming new imagery in my head. I have begun fantasizing about my wife. This is a person I have not made love with in eons, but fantasizing about her has brought some level of passion in my feelings for her, whereas, before I had trouble thinking of her on any kind of sexual level.
Someday soon, when she is ready for open and honest conversations about sex, I will share these fantasies with my wife. I will let her know that she is still my lover in my imagination. We have to crawl before we can walk...
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
For me, I think the hardest part of this is letting go of the anger and desperation to be able to create these new fantasies. I don't have much recent memory to work with. When we do manage to kiss for 15 seconds straight, then it becomes much easier.
But maybe this really is the direction I should be trying...I'm going to have to let go of some of this at some point regardless.
And yes, a single step is a very good thing indeed. In the past, we've never managed to let sex become the issue that we discuss in therapy.
I understand what you said about the block. I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to ask the other HDS's here - how is it that you do start visualizing about having (great) sex with your partner? Is this something that came easy for you? Did you start visualizing before you started working on your R, or was it just that once things got started, the EC grew, and it became easier?
I ask, because in the past few weeks, my H has become friendlier (we're taking baby steps here), but I find myself having trouble accepting that. I feel that if I could imagine us together, it might help, but I too have a block.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid the change won't last, or if I've become so used to 'living on my own', being the ignored spouse, that I'm actually afraid of change, or afraid what I'll have to do...but, have any of you had to deal with this block, and how do you?
Quote: I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to ask the other HDS's here - how is it that you do start visualizing about having (great) sex with your partner? Is this something that came easy for you? Did you start visualizing before you started working on your R, or was it just that once things got started, the EC grew, and it became easier?
I'm surprised that it came easily to me (pun unintended). I just imagined myself in situations with my wife that I would find erotic with any attractive woman. It helps that I don't bear any hatred for my wife, at least not right now. And I think I am chanelling a part of her that she hasn't shown me in a long time - the girl who laughed with joy when I took her virginity, the girl who gave me a BJ in her parents living room when her parents were only two rooms away, the girl who made love to me in the back of my Datsun hatchback at the drive-in theater.
I don't expect fantasies to come true, but that's part of what makes them fantasies.
Best wishes,
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I know what you mean. I want to think of her, but I know she is 'limited' in her abilty to experience. But she wasn't always. She used to be adventurous. It is hard to think of her in erotic ways and not want her. Also the block shows up, the negative imagery - she'll never do this.
PLease let me know how you get past it. I want her not someone else.
There are 3 sides to every situation: yours, mine and the truth. Knowing the difference is the key.
Hey lost: I use imagery of my W when I fantasize and mb. She really is the only one that I want. I sometimes have to go WAY back and imagine some of our first encounters, which were quite sexy. As for the negativity, I just try to imagine her having some sort of epiphany, and becoming the sexual goddess I have always hoped she would become.
Of course, afterwards, the harsh light or reality intrudes, but at least I enjoyed the fantasy while I could.
