New approach to my LDH

[SolidMechanic]

Not that he was expected to clean it up when he got home...it just looked chaotic to him and that was his initial impression upon entering our home. In other words, the clutter and crud gave him the heebie jeebies. So I clean it up and he really is a happier person. Plus I am speaking his love language, blah blah.

Yeah, I get the same heebie jeebies when I get home and there is crap strewn everywhere. But if my wife came up to me when I came home, wrapped her arms around my neck, gave me a kiss, and said something like "How's it going, Sweety?", I wouldn't care about the house one iota. Instead I get to hear a rant about how this kid did this or this kid did that or about how we are never going to sell our house and that we are doomed blah blah, it just makes me want to do a 180 and leave.

Say, is that the 180 that Michelle is talking about?

[NelJ]

Anita

You are definitely speaking my language here. I too have a LDH that witholds ML when he feels the house is not being kept or I am not 'pulling my weight'. However I do see light at the end of the tunnel.....

From past experience I have discovered that my husband will withhold intimacy and withdraw into some type of depression when he feels I am spending too much time outside of our home. He does everything that needs to be done around the house, without even giving me an opportunity to do my share and treats me like sh#t in the meantime. For example, when he knows that I am working or tied up with the children at sport he will do everything around the house and then resent me for not doing it. As I work fulltime and do have a lot of community/sport based commitments (which he would normally attend or help with) this gives him plenty of opportunity for this behaviour when he feels the need. I agree that it is an excuse not to have to address my intimacy needs and I think although it is subconscious behaviour that he finds it more satisfying to be pi##ed off at me and not have to be intimate.

I discussed this behaviour with him recently and calmly said that if he wanted to do all the housework and then sit around watching TV instead of being with his family that that was fine but to understand that he was removing himself from 'our' life, not vice versa.

Sometimes I find that I have to stay up late or get up early to 'beat' him to the housework - someone please pass the vodka, I must me insane - but when my H is in one of these states that is what I need to do .... Is it worth it ?? ABSO-bloody-LUTELY !!!! After he has come out of this 'state of mind' things return to 'normal' pretty quickly which means that I don't need to adopt the 1950's woman attitude where I put on fresh lipstick when he is due home, and have the children in some 'semi-drugged' state so that they do not fight or make too much noise while he is reading the newspaper and sucking on a stubbie ....(enough sarcasm).

All the best.

[NelJ]

it just makes me want to do a 180 and leave.

Say, is that the 180 that Michelle is talking about?

Hi SM

I'm sure this won't help -but you have to wonder if the perfect response to the daily whingeing and griping isn't:

'Well I have just had a hard day and your whingeing is the last thing I want to hear, I'll be at the pub if you want me'

Believe me I have contemplated that many times, I'm not a drinker as a general rule but on my way home I pass a very comfortable pub and there is many a time that I have been more tempted to pull in there than into my own driveway...

I wish you well.

[tonyc]

I dont think you should be doing all of the house work especially if it is a big concern of your H. If he feels that way he should pitch in and share the responsibility. I am a man who likes a clean house also and that is what drives my wife nuts because I dont use her techniques to clean but it is a team approach. if that is the hang up then he has the problem and you are doing all you can to keep him happy.

[FocusedFlutist]

From past experience I have discovered that my husband will withhold intimacy and withdraw into some type of depression when he feels I am spending too much time outside of our home. He does everything that needs to be done around the house, without even giving me an opportunity to do my share and treats me like sh#t in the meantime. For example, when he knows that I am working or tied up with the children at sport he will do everything around the house and then resent me for not doing it. As I work fulltime and do have a lot of community/sport based commitments (which he would normally attend or help with) this gives him plenty of opportunity for this behaviour when he feels the need. I agree that it is an excuse not to have to address my intimacy needs and I think although it is subconscious behaviour that he finds it more satisfying to be pi##ed off at me and not have to be intimate.

Ok, now I've discovered that not only is my H SolidMech's wife's identical twin, but NelJ's H twin as well!!

[Greeneyedlass]

Hi Tony,

If he feels that way he should pitch in and share the responsibility.

That was my "knee jerk" reaction as well...here's the deal though. I'm sure he feels he works a full-time job, does all the outdoor keep up of our home and property (35 acres), helps with our son...and then comes in sees a somewhat (not trashed out) house...and probably thinks I'm not pulling my weight....even though he'll admit he knows how difficult it is to get anything done while trying to keep up with our son.

If that is the hang up then he has the problem and you are doing all you can to keep him happy.

Ah, but I wasn't doing all I could to keep him happy...because I didn't know what comfort a tidy home gives him...I didn't know it was a "need" of his...I don't think he knows that himself. It equates to him feeling taken care of, loved, nurtered...these are all good things....and the "needs" that fullfill those requirements can be different for each of us. His C also suggested that the more I put extra effort into maintaining the house and meeting that need of his that he'll eventually do things to help me out such as putting his dishes in the dishwasher instead of in the sink for me to take care of. Make sense?

This is is the beginning of change for both of us...and if I have to do this to start the ball rolling...I will. This doesn't mean I have to turn into Martha Stewart (not that I would, she's far too tightly wound for me)...I just need to make the extra effort. It's really not asking that much, especially if you love someone and you want them to be happy.

[Greeneyedlass]

That's exactly what I believe my H is doing. Only instead of spending too much time outside the home, he feels (at some level) that I'm not pulling my weight. I now can see different things that are perfect examples of the tug-of-war that he's been waging with me....albeit unwittingly so.

My H is a HUGE popcorn lover...makes it and takes it to work to snack on all the time. I like the stuff, but don't eat it very often...however he will ALWAYS leave the popcorn maker for me to clean. Now that would just irk the every lovin daylights out of me....I didn't make the mess, why should I clean it up?!! Perfectly valid reaction to something like that...I'm sure most of you would agree. So I would leave the popcorn maker as it was, not touch it...perhaps move it if it was in my way...but I wouldn't clean it. This one little household applicance had suddenly become a symbol for "our" needs not being met on both sides.

However...now that I've had my light bulb go on I can see why he was doing that. It was his non-confrontational way of trying to let me know that I wasn't keeping the house up to par so why should he? I know this may not make sense to some of you...but for me it does...and really that's what's important...I finally get the symbolism behind this one behavior...so now hopefully I can pick up on other behaviors as well and address them.

I have now made the extra effort two days in a row...and my H has had a completely different attitude each evening when he's gotten home :-)

[MJontheMend]

You know there is another solution to the can't relax in the chaotic house syndrome a lot of men experience. It's called a den. You don't have to have the whole house ship-shape all the time in order for your H to feel comfortable. Just help him keep his den in order. I don't mean you have to have a separate room that is just for him necessarily. Just some space in the house which he has control over. Think about Frasier's father. His den was his ratty old chair, a side table with a cold beer and a remote control and a clear line of sight to the TV. This and a closet they don't have to share is all a lot of men need. If they are handy, they might need a workshop free of kid's bikes. If they like to cook, they might want you to keep the kitchen clean and stocked. I'm just trying to save you wasted effort. I try to do what I can to make my H comfortable, but I would go crazy if I tried to keep everything perfect in my 140 year old house inhabited by lazy teenagers and a naughty cockadoodle.

[Greeneyedlass]

Hi Mojo,

I understand what you are getting at I'm just not sure yet in our home where that "den" area would be. It may take my keeping things in order for a bit for that to surface...but I'll keep my eyes/ears open.

[cinemanymph]

I went to a site called Flylady that was suggested by someone on the 180 board and there are really some great housekeeping tips. It's sort of a "tidy household as a life style" site. It's inspriational and encouraging (much like this board) especially for the domestically challenged! And it's easy on caretakers weather they be taking care of children or elderly parents.