last night and all this morning I kept battling with this that I posted yesterday:
Quote: This coming Friday is when he's supposed to go to the workshop, I'm really struggling hard to NOT ASK anything about OW going w/him or even who...or if he's really going....If some body could talk some sense into me about that it would be helpful....
I have bitten my tongue over and over and over and not said a word as far as asking him about it, but I'm still struggling with it....somebody get out a 2x4, would you please? I keep reminding myself that if I ask it will only a)remind him of OW, b)anger him c)provide further fuel/inspiration for his adolescent rebellion. But still it's all I can do to keep from asking if she's going, and I'm so afraid I will break down.
I have read your novel and can honestly say that I have no new advice to offer, I wish I did.
I just re-printed the stages of MLC and am going to re-read that, looking for a new tidbit to glean maybe.
I send good thoughts your way. Is it hotter than heck in Kansas these days? We have had a very mild summer, it was in the 60's last week which is highly unusual for August in Indiana.
My kids have orientation Aug 24 then start to school on the 25th. What about your S?
It is kind of scaring me that I feel like I am starting to know your H's schedule. Isn't tomorrow the day he spends in the building with OW?
Keep up the dbing I am proud of you. Sorry I am not more help. Sometimes I scan through the threads looking for someone who is two steps ahead of me so I can see what to expect.
Do not I repeat DO NOT ASK HIM It serves no purpose other than to piss him off, make you look insecure and prob illicit a lie from him if he is going with her, which I do not think that he is.
I will get on a plane with a two by four to whack you if need be. I am geting tired of my own drama and would gladly come to trade places with you for a week or two.
Hi Pam! thanks for dropping by! actually it's been very cool here for August, like in the upper 70's--80-ish. it's not unusual for it to be 110 degrees in August here. I don't ever recall in my life time it being so cool. It's really nice except for the mosquitos that come out in the evenings. My S starts school Wednesday, hardly seems possible. I think he'll be glad to see his buddies, but school's not the highest on his prioriy list. Yep, you're starting to know H's schedule, tommorrow he's over in the building w/OW, so I wonder if the lotion will tell the tale tomorrow?
ALL RIGHT MS PAMILA!!!!!! that is what I needed to hear...plus if you want to fly down and use the 2x4 on me, that's ok, we could go get coffee or something after my whooping.... WHY, is what I can't understant, is it SO hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I KNOW just what you said....it will only piss him off (with a capital P, I might add), and he will look me in the eye and lie anyway, and I won't believe him anyway, so I will gain nothing and probably even lose ground, and I will look clingy and dependent -- and, if the door is really open, meaning that I meant what I said on vacation about loving him enough to let him go, it doesnt matter anyway, so WHY THE HECK IS IT SO HARD TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT? I guess that's one thing about myself I will never understand. Maybe I have some fantasy in the back of my mind that he will take me in his arms and say "oh darling, how could I have ever done that kind of a stupid thing, and I will never hurt you like that again". Yeah, right, as they say.
More about yesterday. I posted about noon, anxious to see what H was like when he got home from "work"....
H got back about 1, and I swear he had been crying big time.....S and I were in the kitchen, H came into the family room (out of the garage)....family room opens into the kitchen so we looked up when he came in the door....S said "hi dad, how are you?" and H could barely croak/gasp out "Hi buddy", he was so choked up....he had on his sunglasses but I swear his eyes were red behind them...He gets this dark reddish color in his nose and cheeks, even his whole face sometimes, when he's crying. that's the only time I ever have seen that color, when he's crying or trying to keep from it. H went upstairs to change, and a neighbor kid showed up to estimate lawn mowing (trying to buy H a little more free time)....I asked S to go tell his dad the neighbor was there and that I was going out with him to show him what we wanted....H came out maybe 10 minutes later, and he still looked like he had been crying.
As much as I hate to face it, I think he must have been w/OW, that would explain his "it's the least I can do" comment about doing the chores so I could sleep in, and also his effort to ML Saturday night even though it was late and he was tired. Damn, I hate kindness and sex that is motivated by guilt and/or pity. But on the other hand maybe it's good that he's feeling them, is it a sign that his denial is starting to break down? I don't believe it's ALL pity/guilt sex though, even he's not that good.
We had a late lunch, and H seemed to cheer up....he seemed to get better as the afternoon went on, although he was quieter than usual. we grilled out for supper and sat on the porch and had a beer and talked while he cooked the steaks, he commented several times how much he liked that.
We sat down to watch tv later though, and H kept dozing off, which gets me irritated because I always think he's tired from w/the b---h....no ML when we went to bed.
several times in the evening he made comments about me hanging out w/old boyfriends when I go to my home town....now that seems weird, these are from clear back in college days, what difference would it make to H? and I've told him about it, he was there once, my family both times, so why even mention it??????
This morning, H stopped by my office to pick up S to take him to D/SIL's house. H had that same "been/about to cry" deep red tint to his face...I had seen OW drive by just before H showed up at my office, so maybe he ran into her.
He was wearing his wedding ring, he took his left hand out of his pocket and wiped his brow when we were talking . I think it was a deliberate gesture to show me he was wearing it (I havent said a word for several weeks)
It's occured to me that perhaps his face was that deep red because a)they had another fight over the cell phone this morning or b)he ran into her before he could get out of the office and she saw his wedding ring. I cant help but wonder if that's it, because he's always in a rush to get gone, like he doesnt want to be there when he could run into her.
I got an email from him about 11 about how hectic the morning was, complaining because the secretary quit & they dont' have a new one yet. He apologized for being in such a bad mood, I emailed him back that I couldnt blame him, and that I didnt know if it helped but I was thinking of him and praying for him, that I loved him a lot and was sending hugs and kisses to him in my thoughts. He emailed back thanks, that actually it did help a lot....
I don't know what to make of it, except I am certain he had been crying big time when he came in the door yesterday afternoon....I don't think he was crying about me, and his mood seemed to get better as we were together. He's not as "hot" for sex these days, though. Of course, that could change to the complete opposite by tomorrow, or even tonight
What to make of the crying????????? or ANY of it for that matter?????????
Why does he even comment about old boyfriends? and, in the order of cosmic conciousness types of things, how weird is it to run into 2 of them in 3 months when I havent seen them in over 25 years?
I do not know why you have run into those old boyfriends but I think it helps sort of ease our H's conscience's when they think that there is even the smallest possbility that we might have done or thought something naughty.
I think it makes them feel better to think that we could possbily sink as low as they have, like maybe talking to your old bf would send you down the road to having an A with them. Then that would take some of that infernal presure of them for having to clean up their mess and give us a mess of our own to clean up. FAT CHANCE, I SAY.
My C has commented to me how my H is living in a highly sexualized word right now. Starting with his A and going right down to his adolescent type behavior.
they try to take the pressure off themselves and put it on us, but I ain't going for that bait.
Hi Pamila, I think you may be right, it's occurred to me that maybe it's kind of some type of justification for his behavior to think that I'd go have an A....I've told him I wouldnt do that, they wouldnt do that, but H is still weird about it.
I'm surprised at how nice it was to see them and talk to them though. Obviously, they will always have a special place in my heart, I was thinking last night about how much FUN we had together as young adults.....and most of it innocent...
As soon as this happened I couldn't wait to share it with you.
I ran in to the grocery store to grab something for dinner and who do I see but the sister of my high school boyfriend - a woman I run into maybe once every two years or so.
This bofriend was the first guy I ever slept with and I was actually still his grilfriend when I first met H. The boyfriend told H to keep and eye on me while he went off to college and boy did H ever!
Any rate we chat, and the sister tells me that I was the love of old boyfriends life - that he always describes me as such. Now he was not exactly marriage material - cheated on me even way back then but it was still flattering to hear.
Things have taken a really weird turn with my H... he is now blabbing that he is not sure if we are right for each other or if we can grow together.
Hi deb, phewwwww! Finally reached the end of your novel (for now). Hehehe...just kidding!
It seems weird isnt it that during this time, old boyfriends seem to crop up. This happened to me too! One is a weirdo whom I am running away from and another one I can depend on to be a friend and not injected any kind of weird feeling, if you know what I mean. So, God has answered my prayer of having a 'boy friend' who can be a friend and not more. And he was great, we just joked around a lot with each other.
Deb, all I can say about you sitch is STOP OVERANALYSING your H's every move. It would do you no good. If what you've 'guessed' from your H's behaviour is correct than it is good, but what if you've guessed wrongly? You are only going to hurt yourself. SO, no matter what you thought was bothering your H is correct or not, it will do you NO GOOD! What if just when you saw signs of him breaking off with OW, the next day he is in full gear with her again? Do you get what I mean? I am not trying to discourage you but this is what happened to me also. I tend to overanalyse every little things/words that my H did/uttered but in the end it didnt mean a thing and I set myself up for a dissapointment.
Thats why they say to have no expectations and act as if. But there's nothing wrong to show a concern and caring deb when your H looks mournful or down, just dont overanalyse ok.
So, I am not going to interpret your H's behaviour coz there can be 1001 things why he acted the way he acted. We know with MLCs, they can be a caring lovey dovey H one day and a rebellious teenager the next! Its crazy but its true!
Ok Deb, take care ok...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
w/the b---h....no ML when we went to bed. 
