Just peeking in to say a quick "hi." My weekend was a little roller coasterish, but I met with my C today and have gotten myself back on track, so to speak.
I've got a lot to do before Vegas ( I leave Wed) so my time on the bb may be limited.
Deb, In your specific case, the problem might be two things: First of all, he works with her and that constant exposure would make it hard to break it off, even if he wanted to. Secondly, from what you have told us about your H, his pride might be preventing him from making that break once and for all. His thinking of "What have I done to her life?" etc..and no doubt he is falling prey to her words which echo those sentiments, I'm sure.
Who knows, actually.
The important thing is to stay focused on yourself. Take care of yourself and it will make you quite alluring in his eyes.
At any rate, I was trying to say that the length of this A seems to be more related to your husband's sense of duty and integrity, rather than him being hopelessly in love with her. I hope I am right, cause that will be a much easier bond to break--he just has to decide the time is finally here!
long time no speak. Nothing much to add. Continue to focus on the positives and the baby steps. I am now truly enjoying my 'single' life, having fun by myself and let it shine when my H comes to see me and the kids. I am pretty much letting go of the sitch while continuing to DB my H back home. I know I've said this many, many times, but we continue to fall and back up again, arent we?? And never tired of it!
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Quote: I just cant help but wonder if I'm deluding myself because I so much want this to work out, and in reality I'm only postponing the inevitable and intensifying the pain by doing so.
Hi Deb,
I guess I have to echo what others have said here and that this IS all a process. It is what YOU are working towards, don't forget that! I think I totally agree with Pam ... or was it Pam when she said:
Quote: I think only you can answer what you are willing to put into this and how long you are willing to give it to try.
I don't know if this is any help or not. But I don't feel I ever whole heartedly tried to db my marriage because I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall so to speak.
I think if you can get to the place when yes, you know you want it to work out, but you are also moving forward with your life that you will feel better.
I am moving forward and if this had happened a year ago I would not have been so focused and desperate feeling about the marriage and probably would have had more of a chance of saving the marriage.
I know you want answers and you are tired of the limbo. I really, really understand that, but the detaching and moving on is really a better place to be.
I don't think anyone can tell you how to get there and stay there, it just has to be a goal you aim for and work towards.
I think that Pam has some really excellent points here. In explaining how "things" went ... for me she just seems to be "right on".
My H had been "looking for something" for quite a few years...only I didn't get it. I didn't do anything about myself, just kept accusing H and trying to get him to see the "errors of his ways". Thus ... his "looking for something else" was replayed several times. DUH! Finally, when I found the DB book and this BB, I began to realize that quite possibly it wasn't all my H . (Gosh! How could THAT be?!!) I can remember saying to a counselor once that I just wanted things to "be right" ... of course, that would "be right" in MY perception!
What it all boils down to is, once I "let it go" ... stopped waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and really focused on bettering myself...that's when I really began seeing progress.
As mentioned above though, it is a process. It takes time for you to "see" and understand. There will be a point and time (if you make the decision to continue to tough it out until the end) that you will need to take control of those emotions and not let them control you any longer. You set YOUR goals and constantly work towards them. You will be amazed at the progress you will continue to make.
Don't watch and weigh everything your H is doing so closely. Work harder on getting yourself involved in other "things"/improving yourself. (Which you do appear to be doing.) After a while you're new "attitude" will speak for itself and more than likely "intrigue" your H. You need to do this (at least initially) with the focus on YOU though.
You are strong Deb and definitely seem to be moving in the right direction...
I totally agree with what Totallyconfused and the other Pam are telling you.
Speaking of which I think TotallyConfused needs a new name, TotallyConfused may have been how you felt when you came to the bb but I don't see you that way at all now. I think TotallyRightOn might be more accurate.
Isn't it funny how we can pick a name not really getting that it will become our identity here on the board. For instance Deb, I have wondered are you a Deb, a Debbie, a Deborah, a Debra?
I am actually a Pamela and not a Pamila, but all the Pamela names I tried were taken so I used Pamila since I have a friend by that name.
Getting back to the matter at hand... At the end of the day the only person we can really change is that gal in the mirror. I for one can waste a lot of precious time agonizing over H and his decisions, thoughts, behaviors but ultimately I can't change him. I also need some work on "unguarding" my heart towards him. I don't want to be held captive by my fears of "what if." Life is way too short for that, so I am going to keep believing for my marriage to be healed and put away my microscope.
Hi Deb - NG has been at the 'relationship' for just over a year too, but I do believe him when he says the tone of contact is different. I also agree with Honeypot - this is now them trying to look good in front of OW, not coming across as completely fickle bastards - can I say that here
Hi Pamila....I agree that it's way past time for Totally Confused to change her name!!!!!LOL! since you asked, I'm officially "Debra", I used to go by "Debbie", then decided that seemed a little childish, and Debra sounded kind of formal, so I go most of the time by Deb...when I started on the bb, I was so blown away, that I didnt even think of using anything other than my name and initials... I have to chuckle, though, as this points out that maybe my H pays more attention to me than i think. Last spring we met new staff at S's school, and H introduced me as "my wife, Debra"...so he noticed I started addressing myself differently.
OK all, to the serious business at hand here... thank you all for your input. I think some of it is soaking in this morning...although I did have a bit of a backslide this morning also...I guess I'll post about "current events", then process the good info here, and then discuss my new goals...nothing major or anything!
I was a mess yesterday, partly because I didnt sleep at all the night before, and didnt sleep well all weekend because of a "flare up" of some health stuff...when I was pregnant w/D eons ago, I developed DVT and every now and then I get a recurrance, although thankfully it's always been superficial since the 1st time, but it's painful and anxiety produceing. anyway, it hit Wednesday/Thursday last week, and I finally decided I'd better go to the DR. yesterday...after a doppler study, they concluded once again that it is superficial, and for the first time ever prescribed antibiotic therapy...this is incredible, but after 1 dose of antibiotic late yesterday afternoon, by this morning most of the swelling and pain is gone and I was able to sleep well last night. weird. So, I got out of the drs office late yesterday, picked up S and dropped him off at home and started to run back into town to get my prescription...H had gotten home and I didnt know it...as I got into the car to leave, he came out of the garage and said "you're leaving?" and sounded shocked????weird. He was wearing his ring...which was comforting...when I got home, he had just brought in the mail, which contained both the cell phone and regular phone bills. These drive me nuts, because H always opens them and takes out the call logs, so I know he's hiding stuff. He's been taking the regular bill and paying it for several months....I had just mailed the cell bill, so I told him "I just paid this one, and thank you for taking care of this one" laid them back down, and left them laying on the counter. H had this shocked look on his face and didnt say a word...when I came back later they were both gone. I intend to ask him to start taking care of the cell phone bill as well....it bugs the heck out of me, if he's going to keep using it in the manner it is, let him take care of it. later in the evening I colored and highlighted my hair; H asked "what, are you going blonde?" and "well can I if you are" (OW is blonde, it will be a cold day in hell before I do that!) I just ignored him....as we were going to bed he said "your hair looks nice"....this is a first ever!!!!!!!!
This morning, I did slip because I noticed that H didnt put his ring on after mowing last night, in fact he put it in the basket where it was for a year....so that made my anxiety high...I did ask "are you going to wear your ring anymore"...H said "I have been, I took it off to mow, geez" and was irritated...he's here at work w/OW today, so that increases my anxiety.... H did say "I love you" and give me a tender kiss this morning (his initiation)...I told him I was missing "nooky" and he said "well, we'll have to work on it tonight, I wanted to make sure your leg was ok"....so, I guess an ok evening/morning.
Now, processing the info you all have shared with me...I think I get it more. I don't know, I guess my mind has to get to a certain point to be able to absorb info....
From TC:
"My H had been "looking for something" for quite a few years...only I didn't get it. I didn't do anything about myself, just kept accusing H and trying to get him to see the "errors of his ways". Thus ... his "looking for something else" was replayed several times. DUH! Finally, when I found the DB book and this BB, I began to realize that quite possibly it wasn't all my H . (Gosh! How could THAT be?!!) I can remember saying to a counselor once that I just wanted things to "be right" ... of course, that would "be right" in MY perception!
What it all boils down to is, once I "let it go" ... stopped waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and really focused on bettering myself...that's when I really began seeing progress."
The first paragraph describes my sitch exactly....I wasted an awful lot of time trying to get H to see the errors of his ways....I have been able to give that up. Now I see that I am kind of stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop...I do pretty well when I am focused on the good/fun things between H & I; it's when I start focusing on the "other shoe" that I run into trouble. I believe that I will be able to do better if I can get to the point of not worrying about that other shoe. Frankly, down deep, I don't believe he's going anywhere...don't think he really wants to, in fact he's said that in more than one way more than one time. It's just the "waiting" that stretches my nerves way past the point of tolerance.
Now the next part is I need to really focus on getting on with life...I have seen tiny hints that this prospect is somewhat worrying to H....for example, his "you're leaving?" response last night.....so, I am going to take steps TODAY in that direction.... I am going to figure out the October dates we discussed briefly for a fall minivacation, and I am going to make reservations today. I will tell H i did it, and that I want him to go with me, but that if he chooses not to, that's ok, I'm going....
I'm also going to get a golf lesson scheduled within the next 3 weeks....was thinking this saturday, but we have to go to out of town friends, the next saturday, we both have to work, so that may be the date I need to look at as far as weekends.
I havent gotten my new bike because of money issues, but I have one picked out and am going to plan to get it within the next month....I would like to ride it to work somedays, I mentioned that to H this morning, who seemed shocked, said "you'd sure have to leave early, and I don't know what route you'd take, it not safe for bikes on the way we ususally go in" I told him I'd been thinking of this....of course picking up S from afterschool care makes this more complicated, and when I have to go to meetings, etc. out of the office, I wouldnt be able to ride it....but it would be great exercise and a change of pace and scenery and is something I used to do a lot when I was younger....I see no reason not to do it now....(other than it's 110 degrees here today).
So, for the next 90 days, I'm going to focus on this stuff for me, and as far as H: no mention at all of OW or anything connected to A, including his ring; I am going to work on "shameless pursuit" and see what happens....
that probably sounds weird, but I've been thinking about it, and never in my life have i been the pursuing type....I've always been more "aloof"....pursuit works well for OW, and I believe H sincerely believed I didnt care about him, so i'm going to try this as a 180 and see what happens; frankly I think that underneath his tough and slick exterior, H doesnt really have a lot of confidence and self esteem....so we shall see.
Any thoughts on these plans? ok, or something wrong I'm not seeing?
Oh, I'm also going to write the letter (finish it) to H, and am still working on my 100 things I want to do list. that is suprisingly easy!
speaking of lists, I've continued to "ponder" the list H was so worked up about a week ago. I believe the list is for OW....I think his .50/$1 analogy is an attempt to explain the concept of reciprocity to her.... I don't know if this is an attempt for him to begin to tell her it's over because.....(don't I wish) or if it's giving her a second chance , but I do think it has to do with her and I guess I should take heart that he made a note that as things are presently they arent meeting his needs....I don't think she is capable of much change.
I'm trying to consider the list as a blessing in disguise as far as helping me to know for sure what H wants. I have to say that when i look at it that way, it's actually pretty reassuring, because I think I have a lot of it nailed down and have made huge progress in the areas he outlined....
Hi Slowly...I've been thinking of you, although I havent posted to you I've been following your sitch. The One Who Thinks He's Slick has never told me the tone of his contact w/OW has changed, but it is obvious to me that it has.....back in the "old days", he didnt look like he'd been crying his eyes out or was furious most of the time.....well, I guess he has told me it's changed, after the last "break up" he said how she says she loves him but theres' always some string attached.....and how she can give the biggest a$$chewing he's ever had.....YAY OW! you go girl!!!!....
I sure hope you are right about him not wanting to look like a bastard to her. Knowing H, I suspect that is a lot of it....
, but I do think it has to do with her and I guess I should take heart that he made a note that as things are presently they arent meeting his needs....I don't think she is capable of much change.