This is my first post on this site although I have been reading your very intriguing threads for a while now.
I am in my mid 30's, work fulltime and lead a busy life with my two children 14 & 11. I like to think that my H and I have a pretty 'normal' life (in Australia), we both work, share responsibilities financially and in the home, both come from conservative happy families (who never spoke about sex), both are working on getting fit and are enjoying exercising together and lead a very happy life, outside the bedroom ... where it all goes pearshaped to say the least.
I am a HDW with a very LDH. I have been allowing him to initiate ML for some time now (possibly years) because I thought that was the right thing to do (read it somewhere once).
I am climbing the walls to say the least .. and have turned down 'offers' from other HD friends for more than a year now. I am a faithful W but believe me I am finding it more and more difficult to give in to his LD actions.
He will initiate once every 4 to 6 weeks if I do not drop subtle hints, however I am a once (or more) a day girl.
About a month ago after reading STM I made it very clear (in a letter) that I was not happy to continue the way things are and asked if we could PLEASE communicate something about our differences and or needs/wants (which we have never really done). To date I have had no response ... how long should I wait ? Do I need to be more assertive ?
Please Help me as I don't want to give up that special part of my life at all let alone in my 30's.
Keep it on the front burner. Don't nag, but don't drop it either. Keep up the conversation even if it is one sided. Eventually, after he has had some time to chew on it, he might join in the conversation.
Or you could just drop it and let it simmer 19 years like I did.
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I am getting used to centreing the conversation on how it makes me feel, because we have had a long relationship whereby me raising 'anything' that I am not happy about feels to him like I am 'blaming him for every problem in modern society'.
Of course at the moment there is a voice inside me that wants to scream at him and I wish I could be as assertive as you (MM) but my past experience tells me to bite my lip for a little while longer as he seems to be recovering from a recent bout of (work related) depression but I am also taking the stories on this board seriously and wondering if it will take years to get there.
I currently have a work colleague who is very seriously contemplating D after 8 years of virtually sex-free marriage. He has had several OW but the lack of intimacy in his R has driven him to this conclusion.
I don't want to go there but can't cope the way things are either.
I would love to hear about any successes you have had ... looking for inspiration to carry on.
I feel you are living my life with the exception of the fact that I only have a 12 mo-old :-) I too am in my mid 30's with a very LD husband. I read your post and to be quite frank felt a bit jealouse...you'r H will initiate?...and every 4-6 weeks to boot?! I WISH! LOL. For us we can go indefinitely if I don't just get fed up and force the issue and I am always the one who must initiate...or it won't happen. We actually went a year at one point...and he thought nothing was wrong...can you imagine?! LOL.
Anyway...I picked up a copy of SSM and read it...that was the beginning of my taking the steps in mending our relationship in a constructive instead of destructive (albeit unintentionally so) manner. My H is now attending counseling and things are ever so slowly moving in the right direction :-)
One thing I'd like to encourage you to do when you do talk to your H about your situation is to keep things in "I" terms...such as "I feel...". Now if your H is anything like mine he may take that "I feel..." statement and say your are trying to put words in his mouth...I've finally managed to get past that but I've had to do some constant reinforcement that I'm not "saying" he said something to me...I'm "saying" that when he does (or doesn't) do (or say) something that it makes me feel a certain way. For example...I told him one time that when I initiate sex and he doesn't respond to me at all (he would completely act as though I hadn't done a thing) that I feel ignored, undesireable, rejected ect. His knee jerk reaction to my statement was..."I never said that!" So I calmly said...no, I didn't say you "said" that, I said it makes me "feel" that way when you give me no response whatsoever to even acknowledge I'm in the room. That's just an example though. One thing I did have to drive home with him however is that I wasn't on a fault-finding mission...I wanted to work on our marriage...I knew there was behavior I had to have that was eliciting certain responses out of him (and I was correct) that was adding to the vicious cycle of emotional disconnectedness that we were experiencing...I wanted to find out how I could change my behavior to help us.
Also...a couple of questions that I didn't notice if you had addressed or not. Has your H had a medical examination to check his testosterone and other levels as well...I have a feeling that's probably not his problem...but you never know? My H did have a thorough checkup and everything came back normal, so on to the next step.... Do you think he'd be willing to attend counseling on his own or with you? For my H and I this has been very helpful...if nothing else the 3rd party has helped us learn to communicate with each other in a more effective manner...and we're really learning to hear what each other says. Our counselor was able to say basically the same things I had been trying to say to my H for quite some time...but she was successful...she had the tools to fly in under his radar and I realized no matter how long I tried talking to him or what approach I may have taken...there was a good chance he may never have heard me...but he was willing to listen to a professional 3rd party. Hope this post didn't skip around too much for you...it's still very early here and I haven't had my coffee yet
Quote: I told him one time that when I initiate sex and he doesn't respond to me at all (he would completely act as though I hadn't done a thing) that I feel ignored, undesireable, rejected ect. His knee jerk reaction to my statement was..."I never said that!" So I calmly said...no, I didn't say you "said" that, I said it makes me "feel" that way when you give me no response whatsoever to even acknowledge I'm in the room.
Wow. I think I now understand a similar pattern on my S's part, to claim that much of what I said was "picking on her." Obviously, I need to watch what I say in case I am being unfair, but there are also issues that are hers, not mine, here.
Hi, Nel, It's good to see you here, though I'm sorry about your predicament. Does your H know about these "offers" from HD friends? He might turn up the heat if he suspects he's not the only rooster in the coop. I wouldn't use it as a threat, just have him find out in some roundabout way. Wishing I had such offers, Paul
You are 100% correct...it is up to her to discover what her issues are. All you can do is work on yourself and hope that as a result of your changed behavior hers will change as well...seems to be working so far for me. Nothing drastic has changed for us mind you...but at least now we're communicating more...and more effectively...and that's a beginning to many things.
Does your H know about these "offers" from HD friends? He might turn up the heat if he suspects he's not the only rooster in the coop. I wouldn't use it as a threat, just have him find out in some roundabout way.
It would be impossible for it not to be a threat and using that kind of behavior to "inspire" your spouse is simply the wrong approach.
The correct approach is to keep it positive and "wants" based. Make sure you are making him feel that you want *him* while expressing the things you want for yourself. If you start saying you want more sex but at the same time, you start acting like it might come from someone else, then he might just feel like you have "horny urges" and very little emotional connection to him. This may temporarily inspire him...in a competitive "alpha-dog" way but it wouldn't last and you really wouldn't want him coming to you in that way.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
ago after reading STM I made it very clear (in a letter) that I was not happy to continue the way things are and asked if we could PLEASE communicate something about our differences and or needs/wants (which we have never really done). To date I have had no response ... how long should I wait ? Do I need to be more assertive ? 
