My W and I have had a few conversations since I last posted in this thread. After some soul-searching, I realized I had defined my own worth at times by how much I was pleasing my W sexually. So I opened the next conversation with that and an apology. The discussion ranged far and wide, and we agreed to a date on last Saturday night.
Then, Saturday night, after the kids were in bed, and we were sitting next to each other, she said she'd be spending the rest of the evening reading the book in her hands, because she had promised the kids she'd finish it by the next day. Ouch. So I thought for a moment, decided to put it in the general terms of manners rather than a loyalty issue, turned to her, and said, "Did you make the first promise to me or to the kids?"
Her eyes narrowed, she slammed the book and bitterly said, "All right, we can have a date if you want to!"
I thought for another moment and said, "No. I don't want to have a date when you're reluctant. I thought we had agreed to a date, and I'm upset, but I'm not going to pressure you to have a date when you don't want to." I then left, brushed my teeth, and fell into bed.
My W came to bed later but did not wake me up as I thought she would. If she had stayed true to prior patterns, she would have apologized and asked to hold hands. If she had, I would have said no, I don't want to just hold hands. But she didn't, which I consider positive, because she woke me up the next day to have a short chat before the kids awoke.
I really don't remember if she apologized yesterday morning, but she did say she wanted to set a firm date that evening. I suggested that since she's never directed things for her own pleasure (which she hasn't), maybe she should do that. She took a deep breath and agreed to--well, for 15 minutes.
It turns out that she wanted me just to rub her legs down with a pleasant balm (Bert's Bee stuff, if you're curious). That's a start. It's what she wanted. I've got to respect that. And we set another date for tomorrow night.
My W and I had a very nice date last night. Got the kids into bed a bit late, but I had finished cleaning up the kitchen, had opened a bottle of champaigne, and listened to a CD and a half just talking. She started by asking for long hug. A nice, long hug.
About 45 minutes into talking, W asked if I could be patient while she tried to dig inside her for her sexuality. (She's read about half of PM now.) I said yes (of course!), we listened to more music and talked, and then we moved to the bedroom, where W moved our comforter to the floor and we ML. With lubrication, which worked well, and her explaining what she wanted in terms of positioning, which was more important.
This morning, we took the kids to a local bike path and exhausted ourselves in an hour-long ride. It's been a very nice 24 hrs.
