I do not mind your questions, they help me to get through this.
My childhood was full of chaos! I was forced to grow up very quickly and be the support system for my mother. I watched as she tortured my father with mistrust and accusations.. She needed to be in control out of fear. When my therapist asked me "when you were little do you remember a time that wasnt chaotic?" I was saddened because I dont remember a time. Quiet time and non-chaotic situations are all around me now and they are sooo uncomfortable that I would deliberately cause chaos. A fight with H, messing up on finances, not cleaning the house, having an EA and so on. I didnt think about it before doing them, i never said "i'm going to make chaos" but internally i know i knew the consequences of my behavior, and quite honestly I felt more comfortable. I live in fear that if I truly let go then something bad will happen. My mother would force me to keep my father from leaving the house, during one fight she said "dont let him leave"
I grabbed his leg and held on tight... He didnt leave, I controlled the situation!! Then my mother had a physical affair and left my father in tears.. she started her new life.. I had failed, i had not controlled the situation and she left us.. My whole purpose as a child was to keep them together.. although I know this isnt true now.. back then it was very real...
So now i am left with the awful fear that if i am not in control something will happen. Is it working for me? NO... I am not allowing myself to just REST... and let things fall where they may. In reality my mother tried to control her marriage, and then gave up on it and jumped... I am so afraid that if things are calm within the marriage that i will go to such measures and Jump! That i will find a way to create the chaos.
Hubby and I could be having a great night and panic will sit in.. "what if I lose him?" What if another woman takes his heart?" and so on.. this leads me to start asking off the wall questions, which leads to a fight, which in turn gives me something else to focus on.. its an awful cylcl and one that I am working on.
Something that just came to me as well.. I watched my mother trying to control her life with my father, she made his life miserable but he never left her or an affair.. i think i almost feel like she kept him on his toes.. i will never know if he would have eventually left her.. i should assume that he would have, but i think somewhere inside me thinks.. she kept her man with her and then left on her own terms.. how awful for me to think that way.. but honestly right now.. A REAL eye opener.. My father did not stick up for himself.. huh... something to think on...
I have had to give up on talking to my mother on the phone She used to be the one to provide me with the "hits" of chaos when needed. I know that it was unhealthy. We still get together about once a week. and we talk online, but i do not allow myself to be sucked in to taking care of her needs, when she cannot even ask me about mine. I have found mothering in DH mom, she is a strong christian who is a great role model and loves me as her own. I do not always feel worthy of it, but along this journey she has helped me a lot to know how a relationship between mother and daughter should be.. so for now I am retiring from being my mothers mom.. and just trying to find out what will happen to a girl who feels more comfortable in chaos.. and less comfortable in her own skin.
I have gone on.. i dont really know if i answered the question... It is not working for me... I'm not sure how to be comfortable in non-chaos.. but I am working towards making that my permanent home!
great big huge hugs!!! and a little bit of tears...
What a lot of insight into yourself and into parts of me as well.
My mother has made my father's life miserable but he has stayed with her. She is much better now thank goodness but they don't have too much of a relationship. She isn't the only one at fault, they just neither one work on their R.
I look at my h who ran to an affair when I had the depression problem and think why do you want someone like that in your life. Then realize that is very judgemental. He has problems as well, or he wouldn't continually choose affairs with married women as his way of companionship.
Sorry for the hijack. I am a bit off balance this morning as CHL was here yesterday. Hadn't seen him in probably a month so that throws me off a bit. Not that he intended to be seen by me. I was sick and came home from work.
Anyway I think you are definitely on the right track. If he were to leave you, you would be just fine.
If I can make it alone, anyone can! Promise, and be happy.
Not that I think your relationship isn't headed entirely in the right direction, just that you will be fine either way it turns out.
Have a great weekend.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Well I had started typing and then ended up erasing it all somehow.. UGH..
Thankyou for your reply.. Its nice to know i have people who think I can and will do this!!
I am doing okay with making friends with myself, taking it easy on myself, and trying not to be too hard on myself.
I am taking the boys to camp this week. Hubby wants some alone time in the house. I"m struggling with this, but it must be done... It was my idea to go, and he was very happy about this. Normally I wouldnt do it.. And i'm a little worried as to why he is so happy about it. but I can not do anything about that so I'm just going to go and do my best to have a good time. I will be back on Saturday.. keep me in your thoughts that I do not call him, and that I act as though i'm having a great time(even if i'm not) which hopefully I will be... when he does call me.. not calling him at night will be hard because i know he is making plans to go out... i just need to trust..
I encourage you to let him have this space. Sometimes what we fear is what we need the most. Space is a wonderful gift... it allows for clear thinking and fosters a path that is free of resentment, because of the very nature of the gift.
Just imagine how you would feel if you asked him to take the kids for a few days so you could be alone in your house to do as you wished. Wouldn't you appreciate it if he was happy and willing to give you what you want and need?
Everyone deserves a little time to recharge the batteries without feeling guilty for needing time and space. That includes you, sweetie. And if you guys can get this down now, you have the potential of having a wonderfully giving M from here on out.
Hugs, Kristy!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
She used to be the one to provide me with the "hits" of chaos when needed. I know that it was unhealthy. We still get together about once a week. and we talk online, but i do not allow myself to be sucked in to taking care of her needs, when she cannot even ask me about mine. I have found mothering in DH mom, she is a strong christian who is a great role model and loves me as her own. I do not always feel worthy of it, but along this journey she has helped me a lot to know how a relationship between mother and daughter should be.. so for now I am retiring from being my mothers mom.. and just trying to find out what will happen to a girl who feels more comfortable in chaos.. and less comfortable in her own skin.
