This is going to be my last post for an extended period. I also intend to avoid looking at the BB entirely, even any replies to this post.
While this is an extraordinary community and the BB (i.e., all of you) has kept my head above water in so many dark times, after a year of of this, it has now become a distraction and it's hard for me to read other stories without feeling compelled to help lift others as others have lifted me. At the same time, I realize that the BB is self-replenishing, in that there will always be Newcomers who become vets who help other Newcomers along. So, the time has come for me to take leave and get my own house in much better order.
One thing that is so true is that while so many of us have similar situations and the general DB principles can work, each sitch is truly unique--and IMHO the most important DBing principle is get hold of yourself first, second, and third. It is impossible to reach out to our loved ones in any meaningful way unless we are centered and grounded ourselves. I think I've come a long in that direction.
At the same time, for me, I think the most important solution-based thing I can do now is just be myself and true to my core. So many times I overthink DB principles, especially when adding "mystery." For me, too often, it becomes a game that adds further distance between me and W. I've come to realize that any meaningful R with my W requires absolute and open honesty when we communicate with one another. This is not to say that we don't exrecise restraint or be brutally honest to the point of hurt or that we should not learn how to present our feelings in a more comforting manner, but I no longer want to hide anything as part os some grand design. It just doesn't work for me.
So, if W asks who I was with a particular evening, rather than say just some friends you don't know, I might say two girls I met through my support group. We had a nice dinner and had a chance to talk about relationships. And I'll deal with all the subsequent questions honestly. If I go to a Yankee game or a hockey game, I'll tell her that rather than have her think I was out all night with who knows whom. Now, I'm not going to volunteer anything unless she asks, but when she does, that's an expression of interest and I will be truthful.
Before bidding adieu, however, I do want to say that I consider the folks here my friends and don't want to leave my friends. So if you want to stay in touch, please feel free to e-mail me at:
Uh, are you feeling a spring in your step as you walk back from Yanqui stadium?
I'm just wondering how you're going to take off someone's private parts for rooting for the Red Sox? I've been trying to visualize you with a scalpel, but I'm afraid I need to hear more?
Hugs to my spiritual friend. The one who chooses RCIA over attending a playoff game.
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"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Wow! Leave the board for five weeks and all the names have changed. Beware, this is long.
Just want to let my friends know that I'm doing well and while there has been a lot of activity in my sitch, nothing much has changed--except in my outlook. Getting away from the BB also was very beneficial in keeping me focussed on myself and my issues at a time I needed it.
After a year of DBing and trying all sorts of approaches, I thought it was time to time to set a new set of goals for myself and a new outlook. My conversion has played a huge role in this, but this is a good thing.
First and foremost, I've decided that my marriage is secondary to my relationship with God and that my marriage is a fulfillment of that primary relationship and not the other way around. Second, the legal reality facing most men with stay-at-home Live-In WAWs is that if they leave the home, they will lose whatever remaining semblence of a normal family that remains and further undermine whatever little rights fathers possess in a marital break-up. Thus, while I cannot keep my wife in the marriage and desire more closeness, that's not possible and I have to accept and redefine my life as one with a W, but no marital R--even if we live in the same house. Within this, I realize that I can do a lot to maintain as much of a normal loving life for my kids while avoiding having parents apart as a defining identifier of their childhood. A fully loving home with perfect harmony it is not--but a stable one yes.
I also reached a point where some DBing efforts had become too manipulative in my life and detracted from my genuineness and ability to be true to myself. This does not mean that DBing principles go out the window and that you purposefully make foolish strategic decisions in interactions with your spouse, but that when you make a 180, you ultimately have to be comfortable with it in order for it to have its best impact. More precisely, there's a meaningful difference between trying something new and unnatural and doing something that simply strikes you as dishonest. There's a fine line here, but I'll bet a lot of you know what I mean.
So with this backdrop, I did the following things this past month. I reached out to OM's family to bring his interaction with my W into more open light. I also spoke to OM and let him know I realized my W is a big girl and is free to make her own choices. While OM implicitly acknowledged a deep EA (denied PA) and expressed his regrets for it, I stressed that his ongoing contact with my W would be viewed as a direct attack on my family that I would not keep hidden from more public display (he's in politics) and that he could further expect his prior acts and ongoing contact to be a central factor in any divorce proceedings and open to public view. I don't know if this will have any impact, but simply wanted him to know any R with my W comes with more baggage than he might imagine. He can make his choices from there. But most important, that call was about three weeks ago and was cathartic for me--it enabled me to move forward feeling that I had calmly and rationally tried to address an issue that was plaguing me. To be honest, however, I fully expect my W to fall into another EA/A as she seeks affirmation for her decision to breakup the M--and ultimately gets that from another man. So be it; I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Next, with urging from JinBrooklyn. I told my wife she was free to make whatever decisions she wanted, but that I loved her and hoped that we could reconcile. Not unsurprisingly, this set off a semi-psychotic negative reaction that led to some of our worst interactions in weeks. However, given the dead state of R right now and JinB's belief that deep down, W actually wants to hear these words, I don't think it was a bad move and I don't have to say it any more.
On the legal front, four weeks ago, W dipped into our savings for funds to pay her lawyer for an anticipated D filing, but interestingly, that has not occurred and no additional payments have been made to her L.
I think she's just building up the courage/hate? to file. I don't like making W feel that she is trapped, but I also made it clear to her that if she files for divorce, I will defend myself (remember--NY is a "fault" state) and spend whatever it takes. The thought of a legal battle really gets me down, but it is also the only way I can preserve my legal rights and financial viability--especially concerning my R with the kids. My wife is free to negotiate a more reasonable separation, but to date, her lawyer has taken a hard line. Moreover, as a prospective Catholic, a D may be the end of the line for me in terms of future physical R's, so this is truly the last stand for me.
So right now, I have a minimal R with my W and as always, she tries to lure me into R discussions and disputes to feed her anger. My greatest DB failure has been to eventually take the bait--but no more. With kids, this can be very hard in that child-rearing differences can easily become the platform for a fight. So this is the one area where I'm trying to develop new appraoches. On the scary side, however, W is pressing our fights in front of the kids and I'm getting the first indications of her bad-mouthing me with them while I am not there. I'll try to keep my pulse on this one.
Apart from that,I'm doing things I like, spending a great deal of time with my kids, and hanging out with some fellow NY DBers when I have the chance. Not unexpectedly, physical desires have taunted my mind---but I realize the pleasures are ephemeral and giving in is a pathway to bad results both spiritually and legally.
But most important, while I don't like to be a preacher and I don't want to offend any non-Christians, for those of you who are Christians and have lost their way from the Church, seek it out again. Through my conversion process I have learned some much about the gifts we have been given from God, with thje most important among them the gift of faith. Studying the Gospels and the Bible has revealed so much about life to me and lessons for today that I cannot help but believe that they are Divine. Without question, God has carried me through these difficult times with more dignity and self-respect than I could have gathered on my own. And He will carry me through regardless of what happens to my marriage--so long as I keep my faith. I'll try to check in with some of you folks later this week, but may also take another hiatus. Be good.
Man I will not complain abut my life for a good long time after reading what your wife is putting you thorugh.At least I have detachment.
I wish I had the nerve to confont H ow.I admire you for that.But then again I live in a no fault state so I couldn't have used the leverage of bringing it out in court.Not to mention my H affair is out in the open.
You sound resolved in doing the right thing.You have managed to behave with grace in the face of unbearable pain.
I hope you stay around for a little while.It was good to hear from you.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
You are doing a great job! The fact that your children still get to see you everyday and you get to express your love for them within the context of a family that is still together is just so important for them. I am very familiar with the suffering you endured and continue to endure and as you know...I admire you tremendously for not giving up. You are a wonderful role model...not only for your children but also for all of us that know you from the boards. Keep up the good work and remember...
I admire you for your courage to confront the om. I was thinking about it. But I did not do it for afraiding that he said to me that my W is the one who wanted him. My W is an adult. She is the one who consented to the R. Otherwise it won't happen. I thought it was no point to talk to the om. I also admire about your faith and your strong view about M. It is very hard to make decision like what you did.
In my state, there is no fault D. I feel really unfair. It makes people to have A very easily. I am S and move on with my life. The two kids are with me.
Quote: she tries to lure me into R discussions and disputes to feed her anger.
I'm learning (hoping) that our W's progress through the 5 stages of loss is at the root of preventing them from accepting that fixing M can be a solution. They can't accept there is a solution until they have accepted the old M is dead, as well as accepting their A is dead too.
W recognizes she made a bad choice, but cannot accept responsiblity for her actions, and thus has to remain angry in order to fend off the inevitable depression caused by the loss of her M.
I'll bet that emotionally, your W is still justifying (Bargaining) her actions.
Merrick, Keep a vision of a new M. A happy, healthy M. and adjust your goals to reach that vision. The path is far from straight or flat, and will require many adjustments.
Give W the time she needs to move through the stages of loss. Her emotional progress is much different than yours, especially since she has to progress through the loss of her A too.
btw: I'll bet folks on this BB would chip in to pay for a newspaper ad exposing the OM Politician! Kudos for telling him like it is!
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