Help me, please!!! My world is shaken. My H returned friday, early. I was in the guest room watching TV when he came home and a first, he came to me and was so happy to see me, so weird, but nice. He brought me handmade chocolates, he never brings me anything. He was talking about a couple things he had done while he was gone. He brought some tour books and wants me and the kids to come on one of the trips this summer and sightsee and spend time with him. I was doing my DB seducing him thing. You see, my theory was that, if we were going to change, first I had to get his attention, and F-----g his brains out would do that!! I asked him if he really missed me while he was gone. He said, yeah, I couldn't get the night before I left out of mind, I even bought candy!! So, we went to bed friday night. I was F-----g his brains out and he told me to stop because he was so overwhelmed. So I paused, and then continued. He then said several times, what book are you reading? Like I was reading a How to sex book. I laughed to myself because it was the DB book and the man changing book. But ya'll, the next day I found e-mail he had sent to the OW professing his love and what a memorable time they had, barf - puke!!! He also mentioned her husband who is having a rough time of it and asked if she had the joint therapy session set up. Well, that just put me through the ceiling. I wanted to kill him but I booted myself in the butt because I couldn't vent to you. Saturday night we got into the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder subject. If you don't know VietNam vets this may be difficult for you to understand. Like I've said before, he spent 60 months in combat. Anyway, we talked about the PTSD book that he's ordered which tells how to get help from VA. He was crying and quite vulnerable. This led to discussion about him, and was he hard to live with, and what I 've put up with. I was vague because I didn't think this was a good time to talk about his affai and because this conversation was pretty much all about him. At one point he wanted to know how he had made my life difficult. I told him he didn't want to go there. Then he was talking about how his mind is always going. He said he had some thoughts the past two years that he shouldn't be having at all. When I aked about those thoughts, his response was that he didn't want to go there. So, I f----d his brains out. Well, sunday I found his e-mail passwords.... He is a diabolical, psycopath. HE HAS NO CONSCIENCE OR SOUL!!! He is having online sex with several women and he is screwing other women in addition to the OW. One pathetic woman who is in the middle of a divorce and who had dinner and sex with my H last week, asked my H if he really was separated? I got all his e-mail addresses and looked up the profiles and these stupid women offer alot of info in their profiles. No, I won't confront the OWsss. I still have been nice and DBing, that is tough. Anyway, I told my H that I was going for a drive last night. So out of character for me. He asked where I was going before I left and asked twice where I went when I returned. I told him, just driving around. I was, with my girlfriend. She is the first person I have told about the infidelities face to face. The first good part of the whole weekend. She's a nurse and gave me seven weeks worth of prozac. I can't eat, I am size 6 and have lost 10 pounds. I looked into what type of counseling our insurance pays for and I don't think we have any counseling plan available. I do have an appointment with a counselor at Catholic Family Service wednesday AM. I am so overwhelmed... I think I have to say something to him, like, " It has come to my attention that you have a very private life and I am going for testing for AIDS and STD's and I acknowledge that our marriage vows have been trashed." That's all I feel like saying, That is one approach. I am thinking of throwing him out. I am thinking of surprising him and having him served with papers. And, silly me, if I BELIEVED that he wanted to rebuild this marriage, I would be there with him in a heartbeat. I am afraid that he is too perverted to be able to change. I have so much on my mind. This AIDS and STD testing puts a different color on this whole mess. Michelle, if you have any thoughts for me, I would appreciate it. All of ya'll, thanks for being here for me.
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-26-99).]
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-26-99).]
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-26-99).]
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-26-99).]
Mare, Wow!!! That is really all I know to say! I think you need to think of the fact that he has put your health at risk here (which it seems you have already thought of that) because I don't think that many people could honestly forgive something so so so....I don't even have words to describe such a thing. Your personality sounds like a good one and think you should try to seek some professional help and let him deal with all of his problems himself. If he is this busy with all of these other women, then it doesn't sound like he is concentrating on getting well himself. I really feel for you and I hope that he realizes what a good thing he is losing. Try to get as much on him as you can. Man, I would like to see him lie his way out of this one! Goodluck and take care, Asilee
[This message has been edited by asilee (edited 04-26-99).]
Dear, Dear, Mare, I wish your story had a happier ending, it started off so positively! I'm so sorry to hear what you have to say.
Ok. First- your health. YOu must take steps to protect yourself. You won't be around to DB or anything else for that matter if you don't. Get tested and make him get tested. Don't have sex unless you do.
You need to confront him with all of this. He need to make a choice. How you confront him is up to you, but do it! He needs to know that you will not stand for this. Unless he is willing to stop is extra-marital affairs (of every sort) and work with you on your marriage full time- he's choosing divorce. Is that how you feel? Don't let me put words into your mouth. His deception can't be tolerated.
On a more positive note, sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they change. Maybe that's what he's doing and the fact that you found out about it and will confront him on it may be the chance for a new beginning.
Dbing doesn't mean sweeping things under the carpet. You can't overlook his actions in this case. You will need your DB knowledge and strength in the days that follow- to deal with his reaction, but please let him know you know.
I wish things were easier for you right now. You are wonderful. Keep visiting here and we will help the best we can. It's not over yet, but you have to draw a line in the sand. I'm sure you already figured this out.
Dear Mare, My heart reaches out to you and all that you are going through. I am glad that you are going for counseling. I hope that it is helpful to you. This is a lot to comprehend and you have a lot of decisions to make. Please put yourself first, your physical and emotional well being. As I have learned about my husband, you are not responsible nor do you have any control over what your husband does. You have to protect yourself. Please let us know how you are doing. We all care. Love, Nicole
Mare, I'm at a loss for words! You have some hard roads ahead of you regardless of how you choose to handel it. I have had some 1st hand experience with PTSD my sisters former husband was a Vietnam Vet. I loved him very much but never understood him. Ofcourse i never had to live with him on a daily basis, but I do know some of the crasy (and I do mean crasy) things they do. He is her former husband because he commited suicide, he just couldnt hack it any more. My Sis was 3 months pregnant with their only child! I have seen or heard of to many such relationships that end in sadness. I will hope yours eventually has a happier ending. We are all here for you!
I am so grateful for all of ya'll. Everyday is just a cornucopia of emotions. First, I am grateful ya'll advised me from confronting him again, until now. Otherwise I would not have the additional incriminating evidence. Second, this is so hard because I truly never imagined being in the shoes I am in. Michelle, thank you. I guess I knew that there were only two options available and it is his choice. But I am so good at denial!!! I know that things are going to get much worse before they get any better. I feel like I have been shot and left for dead, yet I still breathe. Sure hope the prozac kicks in soon...
This is my strategy. I am writing a letter. It is non-threatening and not malicious. It states that I know about his other life. I will not tell him how I know or how much I know. I will tell him I am getting tested for STD's and suggest he do the same. I will tell him that it is mindboggling how he juggles his other life, work life and this life. I will tell him that he has made choices that now require him to choose his other life or to rebuild the marriage. I will tell him I cannot pretend he does not have another life and that I will not tolerate it. I will tell him if he chooses the other life, so be it. I will tell him if he chooses to rebuild there are non-negotiable conditions, I won't specify the conditions at this time. I have to write a letter instead of verbally confronting him because I need to be succinct and not overly emotional. I need to say the key points and not deviate. My plan is to give it to him this evening, watch him read it and then see what develops. What are your thoughts? I'll take contructive ideas and lots of support. Gosh, I hope there are no more shoes to drop. Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks.
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-27-99).]
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-27-99).]
You are so smart. I couldn't give you any better advice myself. You are doing and saying exactly what i think you should. (How did you get so smart anyway? )
Please let us know how he responds. Good luck to you!!! Michele
Mare, I too, think that is a wonderful idea. When my h and I started rebuilding our marriage I wrote him a letter and read it to him. It was wonderful because I didn't leave anything out and I got my point across without all of the emotions. I definately think you should be there when he reads it so you can get his immediate reaction. Goodluck and you are definately in my thoughts
Dear Mare, I too think that writing the letter and the things that you said in it are a good idea. You have my admiration for thinking so clearly during such a stressful time. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. You will definately be in my thoughts tonight. Let us know how things go. Love, Nicole
