Quote: One thing about undeveloped film is that eventually it goes bad and if he did develop the pics, it may not turn out!
Ooooh...
Crap, now I need to go get some film developed, there's stuff in his bag that I do want. Can't win either way!
Um, yeah, I haven't written anything in several days.
Things are going well. H (and I wanted to kill him for this one) called up xrm one night. (He's still trying to get some money out of her...I can't blame him for that, I guess...) And then she called for a couple of days. But it was quiet before that, and now it's quiet again.
H might as well be officially living with me. He's always there. MIL even asked him last night if he was still staying at her house (she does need the money). He just said yes, but it was too hot to sleep over there. (They never turn on the AC.)
MIL said the funniest thing in response, though--that he obviously just wanted to stay where I was at. (Man, the look on his face was priceless...) He just said something to the effect that I was willing to stay the night wherever he was (which is true...we can stay either place).
But things have pretty much settled down. I rarely think of the PA. That's been almost a year ago now. And, the more I find out about xrm, I don't really think they were that close--and I'm positive now that there was no PA with her. I had kind of still thought maybe there was and he was hiding it, but now there have been enough moments where I think I would have caught him if his reactions weren't genuine.
I did feel a little apprehensive about H going out last night. But I suggested it (he's had a touch of a cold, and I thought it might do him some good to get out of the house, maybe have a glass of wine). I know the anxiety was based on the fact that when he went out a lot, things were funny with us. I don't think his going out led to the weirdness (I think it was the other way around), but whenever he does it still gets me a little queasy. But I encouraged him to. And he did wait until I went to bed.
When he got home he told me he wished he had just stayed in, that he felt really sick. And that he only went because I "told him to." (Um...yeah...I thought I was just being supportive... )
He was very apologetic about all the stuff we've both been through. He even massaged me--which I kept protesting, since he was the one who was sick. (He countered that I was the one who was "special.") Told me again he couldn't believe how much he had hurt me, how he had gone about things all wrong. How he is "his father's son" and gets the "urge" all of the time. (His dad slept around on his mom...fathered dozens of kids with different women...a real sleeze.) Said he was afraid of messing up. (Of course, geeze, isn't that what already happened??? I haven't left yet! )
I told him he always gets upset when he goes to bed, for him not to worry. I told him it may be hormonal, since he always starts feeling bad at the same time every day. And I made sure to tell him all of the great things I see in him.
I did go through a faze where I had to hash out alllll of the details of this last sep. Every little thing that I thought was weird or inconsistant...all the times I was really hurt... It's sort of my way of finally processing all of the feelings. Although I did try to shut up when I could tell he was getting too upset. (Sometimes hard once I get started.)
And I make sure to tell him all of the wonderful things I see in him, too. And I make sure I do that all day long now! At random moments, when he's upset, when he's playing games, leaving him vmails... That seems to have really helped. It's like I need to outweigh the negatives I tell him.
Okay, that was a pretty long-winded response. LOL. Been busy with work, which is pretty much the only time I have to post. (Although H has been encouraging me to not drop off the BB altogehter--he keeps asking me when I'm going to write some more. )
That's good that you are thinking about the A less. It might help you to quit trying to rehash stuff and seek answers from him altogether. It sounds like you have been testing him, which I know is very tempting to do, but I think in the long run, it only makes you feel worse. Because (at least in my head) it then becomes, "well, what did he mean by that ?" And, "one day he said this, but now he's saying that..." etc., etc., etc. You are only doing yourself and the R a disservice. I read recently that R talks are generally bad for the r. Not sure exactly why. guess I need to read that one again. ha ha
How are you coming along with finding other things to do for yourself? I can relate to the he's going out anxiety as you know. I need to drop that altogether too!
Doing good. I probably wouldn't post if you didn't ask... I've been too busy at work, and definately don't have time at home.
Quote: It might help you to quit trying to rehash stuff and seek answers from him altogether.
I know, I know. I had this burning need to figure out all of the details. Otherwise they keep churning in my mind. I seem to be pretty much out of this phaze altogether, though. Something about inconsistencies drive me crazy--although I do realize, people in general are never going to be totally consistant.
I told H that, I promised I would stop asking things. He's been so good at (calmly) answering my (equally calm) questions. I make sure to thank him for the reassurance, and tell him how much that helps. I've done the same for him when he needs it.
He called me in a panic on Saturday, from a bad dream, and I talked to him until he felt better. I thought it was kind of funny--he dreampt that he was assigned as a sort of "Witness Protection Program" agent to protect me, but we were still married/involved. And that he kept it from me that he was supposed to protect me, and then I got angry and felt betrayed when I found out. Then I decided to leave him, but I didn't tell him that, and instead I snuck out of the house. The whole scenario is kind of funny, but I see where the setup comes from.
I think one of the more frustrating things is when something triggers a memory. I'm perfectly fine...and then it's like getting hit in the face with a baseball bat. Never see it coming. Like when we were watching TV the other day, there was this scene almost identical to how I imagined the PA happened. Completely freaked me out. I just cried and cried while H held me. (Afterwards, I drug him out of the house so we could do something fun and distracting.)
I did tell H yesterday that I felt like, more and more, this whole mess is just unimportant to me. He commented that he wished I felt like that all of the time. I told him I would, just to let me have the time--and that he was being so patient and understanding. I've found, at least with him, if I follow anything negative or stressful with tons of compliments...he feels much better. Sort of like the last thing said sticks in his brain better.
Met a GF on Saturday for dinner, and we wound up dropping by the club. Didn't stay too long--left before 1am. H was pretty happy we both stopped by. (Although he told me later that I missed the fire...I love that stuff.)
When he got home, H told me that his coworkers thought both GF and I were seeing him--they wanted to all about both of us. (Never mind most people know he's married--I guess they thought I was some sort of mistres?? LOL) He told me he let them assume--I guess he really enjoyed being the stud. (He just eats up that kind of attention...one of the reasons why I make sure to tell him all kinds of nice things all of the time.) That they were even saying they wanted to grow their hair long and go to the gym and learn to speak English like him. He was reveling in the fact that they thought his wife was so hot. LOL
H has been handling the issue of his going out very well. I've figured out it's not that he does things outside of home--it's who he hangs out with. I get worried when it's the bar crowd. He got an invite to go rockclimbing with a mutual MF, and I encouraged him to go. (So much so he asked if I was tired of him being around.) But he was very considerate last night, made sure I was okay with him hanging out with some work friends. I told him how much I appreciated that, and how it made me feel much better.
I've learned, and this is in the books so much it's almost cliche, the more I encourage him to go out, the more he sticks around home. Even though I feel queasy inside, I don't let it eat me up. And I admit to him when it's an irrational fear.
You know, I've actually tried to not bring up every little thing that bothers me now. I figure I've spent enough time working out the details and how I feel, and if it's not new, I want to drop it. But H is very perceptive--he always asks me if something is wrong when I get that distant look on my face. He's been known to pull it out of me, even when I don't want to talk.
I do think we've both figured out a more productive way to deal with the feelings. Which, in the end, helps get rid of them more quickly. I was feeling some apprehension when H took a second job at a new bar--the last two times he took a new job, we seperated. So I just told him I had an irrational fear, I needed a hug, and I was worried because he was starting a new job. That seemed to work--he actually told me he had thought of the same thing.
Funny thing that's been happening to me lately--I've had several dreams where I've confronted either xrm or the woman he had a PA with. Not shouting matches or name-calling or anything like that. It's always a little different. For example, I remember telling xrm in a dream, in response to claiming a physical relationship with my H--"And that's something to be proud of? If I were you, I'd be ashamed to admit I ever even was interested in a married guy." Or "What did you expect? You have no reason to whine about 'getting hurt' when you were the one who chased after a married man."
I have no desire to actually do it. I have no idea where the w***** is anymore. I decided long time ago that she was beneath any such efforts--she's not worth the time. And as for xrm...it wouldn't accomplish anything, but to drag out the process. (Since she is still occassionally calling.) I just want it over and done with.
So why the dreams? I don't know. Maybe this is my subconcious way of working out some of the latent anger. I don't feel any anxiety from the dreams. I'm not waking up more upset over past events. In fact...they feel very...final. Like writing "the end," maybe?
Yes, I know, we're both still feeling very insecure. That's okay. I want to feel totally secure again--and I will, I think all I need is time--but I don't want to get comfortable again. Comfortable is only a step away from complacent, and that's what messed us both up.
Nah, things are pretty quiet. Pleasant. H and I are doing well. He broke down on me a couple of times really badly the last several days. Same kind of thing I've done. I think we're both traumatized. Ah, well.
I'm enjoying the little things. Like having him there when I come home, or how he has to come give me a big hug after he gets back in at night.
We did have a small disagreement last night. I haven't found a shelf set that will work for setting up his home theater equipment. So we went shopping last night. I want something that already fits the stuff I have--I have this need for my house to look nice, all the deco to match, etc. He just wanted "cheap and strong."
Why we both got upset is beyond me. He kept insisting that I wasn't going to find what I wanted. I told him he didn't understand why this was important to me. He said that he couldn't do it right, since everything he picked I thought was "ugly." (Sorry, I just hate anything in the modern style, like with glass and metal, or that nasty fake-wood-really-a-laminate-crap.) I finally told him he didn't have to understand my taste, just that it's important to me. He said he was trying to clean up my living room for me.
Silly, huh?
So...now the agreement is that I get to look for a couple of weeks to see if I can find what I want. If not, he gets to just go get something.
Anyway, normally I would have decided to pout and not go to the gym with him afterward. But I made an effort to ignore my flight response and go and have some fun with him afterward.
I also noticed that he will in the middle of an argument (even though we never really yelled) will grab for my hand or tell me that he loves me. Normally, when I'm upset with him, I think it in response--but I just can't seem to say it. Then he'll get worried and say "You don't love me anymore, do you?"
Well...duh! Never noticed that pattern before. He's clearly looking for reassurance, and I'm not giving it to him. When I'm upset, the last thing I want to do is make nice. (Feels so contrived to me.) But obviously it's a big deal to him, so I made sure to make the effort last night.
Hm. How come everytime you drop in, I write a novel??
It's pouring down rain. It took me over an hour to get to work (normally 25 minutes). I left late anyway because of a bad morning, and was 45 minutes late. The bottom half of my jeans is soaked. I left with sandals (didn't take the time to change) and my feet are cold now. And my hair has just about doubled in size.
So last night, I started crying on my way home from work. No trigger. Nothing. Just started crying my eyes out. My personal theory is that I pushed it all down for so long the last several months, that it just gets me at an unexpected time. Kind of like when you shake up the 2 liter of pop--sooner or later, that pressure is going to hiss out if you don't open it up to an explosion.
So I'm just crying my eyes out on the drive home. Just wanted to climb on my H and let him hold me. I have this fear of being upset in front of him--it's made him just run the past several months. And then I started feeling like a real shmuck. He has been doing all of these wonderful things for me lately. And here I am, getting upset over things that happened months ago.
Well, he wasn't there when I got home. Called his cell, but he had left it at my place. Called MIL's house, and he was there. I just told him I was a little upset, but didn't insist he come over or anything. We didn't talk long.
Finally decided I needed to take a nap. I had a splitting sinus headache from all of the crying. So I curled up on the couch. Woke up a couple of hours later when he came in.
Told him I'd been upset. But I was feeling better. I wound up going out with him to buy cigars. I really wanted to go out with him--drinking or to listen to a band, or something. We haven't had a weekend together since last February, because of his job.
The first place we went didn't have what he wanted, so we drove up to a different side of town. Right by where his old apartment is. We even drove by it. The place we moved into to "start fresh" after the first sep and the PA. The place he kicked me out of right before our wedding anniversary. The place he moved psycho xrm into...and then a few months later I was up until 3am all week to help him get out of as fast as possible.
Ugh.
So we went into the cigar shop. That was kind of fun. Although it was right next to the pub he used to work at. Where he met w****#1. Yick. I asked if he still went in there, and he said he had the night before. Ah, well. (Stupid b!tch doesn't go there anymore.)
When we headed back home, H didn't even think about it and drove right by where w**** used to work. Still hate her. He groaned, and I ripped on her some, and then the rest of the drive was pleasant.
He went out last night. No big deal. Didn't even really bother me. I was just tired anyway.
When he came home he came in the bedroom and talked to me. Told me he had been going out too much. (WTF??) That he missed me. I told him he was fine, I didn't think he was going out too much at all. "Too much" was when I didn't get to see him or talk to him and was made, on 198th down the list after everyone else. Going out a couple of nights a week with coworkers is, well...kind of healthy, I think. But, whatever.
He asked me if I could put in the pizza he picked up while he took the dog out. I said sure. He then apologized, said he forgot I had to go to work. (Was it 4am? 5am? Don't know.) I intended to, but fell back asleep. Back when all of our problems started, he would have gotten mad at me. Not this time.
He came back in when it was done. I had obviously fallen back asleep, cause it seemed like I had only talked to him a minute before. So I moved to the couch with him to eat pizza. Okay, I was pretty much asleep when I ate it. But, whatever.
So H was being perfect. Awesome, in fact. Everything I had ever griped about, he has changed. He is attentive and loving and kind. And I just think I have the best guy in the world. I tell him that all of the time, too.
I had trouble waking up this morning. Was having a bad dream--that he wanted to leave me. (Um...not likely with his behavior lately.) I guess my fear is...he means it now. Just like he meant it before that he would never leave me. But people change their minds. And that's what I'm afraid of.
I was in a crappy mood when I got up. I think I'm still a tad sick or maybe just sleep-deprived. Don't know. But the place looked like it had exploded.
I have a huge pet peeve with there being a dirty house. There were piles of his old clothes in the living room. Towels on the sick in the bathroom. The curtain was pulled back. Clothes on the floor in the bathroom. The drawers were open in the cabinet in the bathroom. Trash all over the kitchen counter. The phone book was left out....dirty dishes on the coffee table...
It all sounds soooo petty. But I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cleans. I hate feeling relegated to the roll of "housewife." (No offense intended to those who are! Just not me--like I hate the color pink or wearing skirts.) I hate feeling like I work all week, I make the majority of the money, and I have to clean everything. The times I didn't work or was in school or he made more money, it wasn't that big of a deal...but...I don't know...I hate feeling like I have to do it all.
Not to say H hasn't helped. He really has. Just not this last week--and things were a mess this morning. I couldn't help myself....I was picking up as I was getting ready for work.
Well, H caught me. Actually caught me putting away the water jugs he bought. The cat had woken him up, wanting out of the room. And he could tell something was bothering me. I almost didn't tell him. But I used to never tell him what bothered me, so my new rule has been to be more open with him...to be less withdrawn... So I told him I was bothered that it was mess.
He got really, really hurt. Started saying he would clean--and began going around the place picking up. Said he had planned to surprise me and clean the whole place while I was at work. ( ) I was really feeling bad then. I tried to get him to go back to bed...especially since he works tonight...
He kept asking me if I was mad at him, if I hated him. I was feeling sooo crappy about having told him at all about the mess bothering me...this just made it worse. I finally had to leave for work--I was already really late. He came over, and just clung to me. Asked me if I wanted him to go now. If I was going to ask him to leave.
I didn't know what to say. Nothing I said seemed to help. I just felt like crap. I told him of course not, and then I really did have to go to work.
H even told me last night that I had been kind of cranky last night. Not sure where that came from. I thought I had been trying so hard to be nice...I honestly feel like I'm going to crack, I'm so paranoid that messing up will chase him away again...
About a week ago I realized I have this overwhelming sense of guilt. About the whole seperationg thing. I feel like this second one was my fault. That if I had just been more patient with him...just been more appreciative and nice to him after he came back the first time...if I had just seen how hard he was trying, he never would have left again. I know it's not rational. But it's there.
And after this morning, I am so afraid of saying anything the least little bit critical. I don't even have to say something harshly, and sometimes he will say "don't yell at me." I don't know how to handle that. I realize that he is being oversensitive. And I spend so much time trying to build him up, I take care to compliment him on all the nice things he does, all the thoughtful things he does. (And he has been going overboard lately.) But it doesn't seem to be enough. I know this is something he has to deal with, but it's very frustrating to me.
I feel like, so often now, that I just try so hard...but sometimes it's just enough, no matter what I do...that in the end, I'm not going to be good enough for him. Especially since my changing how I approached him had such dramatic results. If all I needed to do was change a few things...if I had only known that in the first place...then maybe a lot of this is my fault, after all.
I had this weird notion for the longest time about H... I felt so secure with him. He was the first person (outside of my family) that I had met that seemed to like me for me, unconditionally. I thought he would always be there, no matter what I did or what happened. And then the first sep happened, and ripped that sense of safety from me.
Have I ever mentioned that I think I suffer from depression?
(Wow...scary...never said that out loud before...)
So...what I'm going to do...
I think I'm exhausted. Physically. From staying up too late with H on weeknights. Not going out tonight. Going to bed early, and get tons of sleep, since I have plans for tomorrow.
Also think H's being around has adversely affected my eating habits. Food plays a major role in my moods. With him around, always buying sugar or over processed foods, I've gotten away from the way I need to eat for me. I have enlisted his aid to help keep me from eating sugar. (Major contributing factor. I go in cycles when I get it out of my system. First I get mean. B!tchy. Then I get depressed--which is my current stage. Then I start to equalize.) I need to get better at not eating it when it's in the house. Also need to keep more food around for me eat--which will be much easier, since soon I'll be making more money.
Exercise more. I've been good in this area lately. Cardio helps improve my mood. I had slipped the last couple of months, but been getting back on target again the last week or so.
Sun. My mood is always worse in the winter, when I'm away from the sun. (One of the reasons I desperately want to move out of the midwest.) It's been gone the last couple of weeks, and then I was busy and didn't do any sunbathing. So I'm going to go to the tanning bed in the next couple of days, as well as try to get to the pool this weekend.
Writing. Well, actually, telling someone how I feel. Something about expressing it allows me to let go of the feelings. Just can't always talk to H without hurting his feelings.
I know all of this works. I had my moods pretty much under control by the end of the sep. Consistancy is the key...
Now that I've written all of that out, I do feel calmer. Which means I am also very tired. I need a nap...! LOL
Good to hear you're feeling better now. Thanks for stopping by my thread the other day. What kind of tattoo are you getting? I'm also thinking about getting another tattoo myself, but for now I gotta think of a B-day present to get for W.
MakDaddy
PS: I'm glad ML staightened things out for both of you. It has that same effect on us
MakDaddy's (Charles Bronson) New Thread - Still Focusing on positives
Quote: And my hair has just about doubled in size.
Ha ha! I'd like to see that! Do you like Monica when they went on vacation???
I'm responding to Friday's, so forgive me whilst I catch up.
I think I asked you this before, but please refresh my memory-do you work 8-5 hours? And, I'm not sure why your H expects you to be really happy and cheerful when getting woken up in the middle of the night. And, for some reason, waking up in the middle of the night sex is just weird. I've had that bizarre feeling of dreaming about stuff, then being woken up, and feeling like strangers or something?? Of course, I don't say no...haha...but I think I hear what you are saying. I mean read what you have written.
So, of course you feel like exploding-you're not eating like you should and not getting a good night's rest-makes for weary nerves.
H is obviously very sensitive from past issues which you know you cannot help. But, how are you saying things to him when you are saying you are upset or irritated about the house not being cleaner, etc.? Can you give us an example of how your interaction goes?
Another thing that I have noticed is that you feel the need to talk to him whenever you get upset. That's what got me into trouble. (It may not be the same for you, I'm just throwing this out there.) Can you try to rely on yourself more when you get upset? For example, rather than calling him, write in your journal or go for a walk, pray, whatever?? For some reason, relying on the other FEEDS into insecurity causing us (me) to feel even worse about ourselves and MORE dependent. Does that make sense??
Mak--thank you for stopping by. Yes, I'm amazed at how ML helps...it always makes me feel so much better. Both times we seperated, after we got back together, we ML like crazy for a couple of month straight. Both of us have touch as being an important component of our LL's, and I think that contributed to it. And, I have never felt more connect with H than times we have ML.
I'm working on a tribal interpretation of the Mayan symbols for my H's name. (He's Mayan.) I hate written words for tattoos, and this way no one will know--besides us--what it is. And it will match my other tattoo stylistically. He's going to do the same thing with my name, and get it to match in style with the tribal on his arm. The whole tattoo name thing was his idea, and I think it's pretty cool.
Karen:
Quote: Ha ha! I'd like to see that! Do you like Monica when they went on vacation???
YES!! LOL It gets shorter and much, much poofier. (H about died laughing when he saw that part on friends--pointed at me and claimed that was what I looked like on our honeymoon. )
Yes, I work during the day. (And H is a bartender. Actually, he just left for work.) And I get woken up most nights, now that he stays here all of the time again. But I give--I'm just happy to have my H. He is soooo much more understanding about. And he knows he is much worse when it comes to crankiness.
Ick. Sex in the middle of the night. I very much enjoy ML. I just don't like to be woken up that way. Actually, when I'm really asleep, I just hate to be woken up. He usually doesn't do that, and I can only think of one time when he was really insistant. (And he was drunk then.)
Quote: So, of course you feel like exploding-you're not eating like you should and not getting a good night's rest-makes for weary nerves.
Yeah, it does... He's been very sweet about it, though. And I'm getting more adjusted to his coming in and making noise late at night--I'm sleeping better through it. My next goal is to work on going to bed earlier, so my sleep isn't interrupted at that critical point.
Quote: H is obviously very sensitive from past issues which you know you cannot help. But, how are you saying things to him when you are saying you are upset or irritated about the house not being cleaner, etc.? Can you give us an example of how your interaction goes?
Depends on how worked up he gets. I used to try to "talk him out" of his moods--but that only makes him feel worse. Now I just validate and listen. Usually some hugs or telling him I love him does wonders. This last time was about the worst I've ever seen him--I think because he had only had two hours of sleep.
Um, usually I just try to keep my mouth shut when I'm bothered about something petty, because I know the feeling will pass. When I get stuck is when H catches "that look" on my face and gets concerned about what I'm thinking. I usually try to be very gentle and avoid saying "always" and "never," but he can be so sensitive at times that any criticism is taken way out of context. Those times make me feel the worst, and I just try to be supportive and understanding.
Quote: Another thing that I have noticed is that you feel the need to talk to him whenever you get upset.
Yah, I do. It really depends on the situation. If I think it's silly, the feeling will pass, or it something that I think is already resolved, I try to change the subject. Sometimes it works. Sometimes he pushes.
If I think he's in an okay mood, I tell him that I just need to talk or be held. And that often works. Other times, he will insist that I tell him, even if I think the subject might do more harm than good. And then I'm stuck between him being upset because I don't share or him being upset because I bring up something that might hurt him.
Confused yet???
Quote: For some reason, relying on the other FEEDS into insecurity causing us (me) to feel even worse about ourselves and MORE dependent. Does that make sense??
Yeah, I know what you mean. I went through this period where I was terrified to be too emotional with H, because that had driven him away. I want to be able to share with him, but not depend on him emotioanl. Weird balance. Still trying to find it. I think we're doing better.
H said some things to me earlier that were intereting... He actually told me while he was driving that he felt like he had been running from me. Kind of alluded to the fact that he had tried to put up a barrier between us.
Huh. Guess all the shrinks were right. He was running from me because of his childhood traumas. Of course, all of them (and I had seen, maybe, 4 different ones) told me nothing would change unless he went to therapy. And that nothing I could do would help. (Which is why I quit bothering to try C. None of them would help me on my end--I would talk some about H, and then they would all tell me there was nothing they could do for the M without him. Kind of annoying.)
But he also proceeded to tell me that he was working through his barrier--thanks to me!! (Wow, not only did H acknowledge that he was pushing me away, he actually felt like he was making progress.) He told me that something about getting married had freaked him out, and he had felt weird ever since then...but that he was finally feeling settled in, and calmed down.
H also apologized earlier for having been so angry with me all of the time, the last year. I told him it was okay. He said he didn't know why he was so mad. I think him being alone those months gave him a lot of time to really evaluate himself and what he was doing and how he had behaved. (Not to say that I was perfect--I've certainly made mistakes. I think he just began to see how his piece fit into it all.) And I think being around xrm and all of her anger made him realized that I really am very easy-going.
Hehe, and speaking of xrm...she called the other night. H made plans to meet her for lunch--going to give her some of the stuff that's hers he found when unpacking. He's also going to try a new tactic to get rid of xrm, since ignoring her and being mean to her don't seem to do it. So...H is going to tell xrm that I'm pregnant (I'm not...at least, not at the moment...)and he's really super excited to be a daddy. We both think she won't want to deal with him if she thinks he's going to have a kid.
Can't win either way! 
I had this burning need to figure out all of the details. Otherwise they keep churning in my mind. I seem to be pretty much out of this phaze altogether, though. Something about inconsistencies drive me crazy--although I do realize, people in general are never going to be totally consistant. 
Still hate her. He groaned, and I ripped on her some, and then the rest of the drive was pleasant.
)