We/I (in fact I am no longer sure) have had the problem of my partner being a LDH for the last 4 years. This year upto now we have ml 3 x's. In the last 12 week I have lost my father, but that did not affect me I wanted my other half to ml me more than anything, just needed that closeness that you can only share with them. Anyway it didnt happen, about 4 weeks ago we had a big talk about IT, but he went off on one major. So I left him alone, its just not worth it. Also I find myself actually not 'fanceying' him anymore, I find the fact that he his so ld a real turn off, so basically I have not wanted to ml for the last 4 weeks, which is not me. In fact a funny thing happened the other night, we were having a Burger King, which due to diets is a real treat, to which I said to him "mmmmm better than" said in fun no having a go or anything, he replied "I would know its been so long".....God you just cant win can you
That's an issue many of us have mentioned before. Their constant lack of D tends to sap your own D. Sometimes it's very had to feel D for someone you know doesn't D you. I've mentioned that very thing about LM with my W. When she does ML, it's so obvious that she doesn't really want to be doing it that I find myself wondering why I'm bothering. In other words, I lose my D as well.
Regardless of what you might think, the loss of your father may well be playing a big part in your saying that you don't fancy your H any more. I have heard that grief doesn't really peak until two full years after the death of a loved one. I know that was true when my father died, so there's at least one bit of anecdotal to support that statement. Like you, I also felt a need for additional closeness from my W at that time. She didn’t provide it, and like you, I began to feel that I didn’t fancy her anymore either. In fact, that’s when we split – almost two years to the day after my father died. Just something to consider.
Also, it’s a bit unfair of him to complain about not ML when you’ve only done it three times all year. I’m assuming that you wanted to more frequently?
I know that was true when my father died, so there's at least one bit of anecdotal to support that statement. Like you, I also felt a need for additional closeness from my W at that time. She didn’t provide it, and like you, I began to feel that I didn’t fancy her anymore either. In fact, that’s when we split – almost two years to the day after my father died. Just something to consider.
That's exactly why I raised the issue this year...because I wasn't getting the extra comfort from the R when my father was dying. This is typical. Remember the first leg (of 3) of differentiation is self-soothing. Unfortunately, the death of a family member is almost beyond anyone's ability to self-soothe. I had to pretend I was single and alone with the issue. I unloaded a big vat of tar on her when we got home from Texas because I was disappointed in her for the fact that I actually had to "pretend" to be single. Once I dumped it, I realized that my resentment went away. Poor thing....she has to deal with my insanity sometimes.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I can assure you you're not alone in feeling that way. ML with my LDW is just not appealing when her lack of desire is so obvious. Not that I've ever avoided it with her (then again, I don't need to) but I'm also much less likely to try when I know what it's going to be like even if she does say yes.
I can so relate to that comment. My LDH promised me 3 separate times this past week that we would ML in the evening...and never got back to me on it. I didn't press the issue because I was trying to allow him to initiate with me...which is what he had intimated he would do. By the 3rd evening I was really getting depressed about his lack of action...and when he asked me what was wrong I told him that I was disappointed that we had never ML. He tried to make excuses (we were both tired, I was tired, he was etc) but I told him that was a cop-out...that he knew I've told him countless times I'm never too tired. Anyway...he mumbled something about having sex right then...but his obvious disinterest in it turned me off and I told him that "no one wants mercy sex" (calmly, and not in an angry manner at all). Kissed him and continued to watch tv for a while. He agreed with me that he wouldn't want that either (he's been in my shoes before). One of the things he's battling with is I'm not the type of woman he's used to (he's been mentally abused in the past)..so when I react to a situation in a manner completely unexpected to him...it confuses him and really sends him off balance. Now I'm just tryingto find a wa to use that to my advantage....maybe one of these times when he's off balance he'll just fall on top of me
Thanks for the replys you guys.....My Gran just died 2 days ago so not feeling good, like it has been said I have also had to 'pretend' to single to cope with the fact that the comfort has not been there.
GEL - Wow, I've never turned her down before - even for mercy sex - and can't imagine how she would react. Part of me worries that she'd throw it in my face and say that I'm the one who turns her down (forgetting the 1000's of times she's turned me down), but on the other hand, it's not like things could possibly get any worse. And I can definitely relate to waiting for her to initiate. Given that I'm not expecting any dramatic changes during ML, I sometimes feel like the only remote sign of desire I can hope for is her initiating, even though most of our encounters feel like mercy sex anyway. So I avoid initiating myself and get depressed about it as well.
Well, maybe throwing her off balance could be a good thing too...
