Hello. I'm new to Divorce-Busting, having only discovered it yesterday. I've found much of this information interesting and potentially useful; however, this topic is the one that really hit home with me, for "sex-starved" describes my relationship to a T.
I am 25; my husband, J, is 28. We have been married for 8 months and 11 days, and our sex life is virtually non-existent. We have sex approximately once a month, if I repeatedly ask/beg for it.
Our sex life consists of intercourse, and intercourse alone. There is no cuddling, foreplay, romance, or lust involved. J must always initiate sex, for if I do, I am invariably rejected. His method of initiation if to ask me, "Want to have sex?" If I say yes, he replies with, "Then go take off your clothes."
Once unclothed, I get one kiss to get me in the mood, then instant penetration, 3-5 minutes of intercourse, and then J leaps up to return to whatever it is he was doing previously. There is no after sex cuddling, talking, or anything.
The 3-5 minutes of intercourse isn't even particularly enjoyable, for J does a number of things I find obnoxious. He tickles me, which I hate, or passes gas loudly, or does any number of things in that vein. In many ways, it's like having sex with a 5 year old mentality.
It's also like being given a tv dinner and an oreo cookie, when I'm starving for a 5 course meal and mousse a chocholat.
I have become very despondant and depressed over this. I hvae discussed this ad nauseum with J; his response is always for me to find something to boost his sex drive. He isn't willing to take the responsibility to do that for himself, because it is my problem. I'm the one dissatisfied.
I have researched low libido in men and looked into over-the-counter products to assist with this problem. I have purchased Horny Goat Weed, DHEA, ViraMax and VigX - all which haven't had the slighest effect whatsoever.
I have tried sex games, lingere, dirty talking, all forms of nudity, and have even suggested we watch porn together. I never get any response.
I have also asked J to see our doctor and have his hormone levels tested. He refuses because he is afraid of needles and doesn't want to have his blood draw. Being a nurse, I have offered to speak with our doctor myself and draw his blood myself, but I have been refused.
For the past 8 months, if I bring up our lack of sex more than once in a month, I'm told, "Don't do this [censored] to me." J has no concern over what our lack of affection/intimacy/sex is doing to me.
I don't know what to do. I'm at a point where I feel like leaving him. I'm so physically frustrated and emotionally hurt that I feel I can't continue on.
I have seen a doctor and am going to private counseling. I am taking Wellbutrin for depression; however, I don't think my despondency is chemical. I think it's situational, and until the situation changes, I think I will continue to feel depressed.
Something must change. I believe in marriage as a life time committment, and I also believe in fidelity. However, I'm finding that a sexless/affectionless marriage is no marriage at all. I can't keep going on being sad, frustrated and hurt all the time.
I don't know what else to do. I don't know who to talk to or where to go. I keep trying to improve things, all to no avail. What recourse do I have?
I apologize for the length of this, and appreciate the opportunity to vent.
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
Hi, Susan, and "welcome" - I put that in quotes because this is not a "club" anyone wants to join, but welcome nonetheless. We'll try to help. Meantime this is an excellent place to vent, and get new ideas, and see what has/hasn't worked for others.
Quote: I'm at a point where I feel like leaving him.
Although your marriage is QUITE young, I don't think it's at all unusual that you find yourself in this situation. Referring to your quote above, what do you think he'd do if you told him this flat-out? It may be that you'll have to put your M on the line to get him to see how serious his behavior is...
I have to agree with Tim. Get everything out on the table NOW. I don't know how much you've read before you started posting (when I found this board I read EVERYTHING), but if you're read my story you know that I've been in this sitch for over 28 years. The first 12+ years of my M we had NO sex at all. After that it worked up to two or maybe three times a year. But the point is, don't let this happen to you. In this infancy of your M, you and your H, knowingly or not, are establishing behavior patterns that will become increasingly hard to change as time goes on. Don't allow this to go on without making absolutely certain that your H is aware that you see this as a problem, that you consider it to be very important, and that you insist that it be addressed. Trust me, the longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Hi Nurse. Couple of things: don't get pregnant with him. Address this NOW, because the more you stick around, the harder it will be to leave---as you acquire material goods, such as houses, cars, etc., it just makes it seems like you have more reasons to stay together. Herbal or homeopathic remedies are crap. The only thing that might work for him is a scrip for testosterone, and you know that the only way you can get that for him is if a doctor checks him out, which you say is not likely.
He sounds like a real gem. Farting during sex is just plain rude. Tickling is weird too, because you must have told him that you hate it. And 3-5 minutes after instant penetration? Tell me again why you married this dud?
Finally...one more word of free advice: Stay married for a full year or you're obligated to return the wedding presents!
Hairdog - who is a real gem, and twice as precious.
First of all...welcome to this board...you aren't alone. There are some other women, including myself who have LD husbands...we can so sympathize with you (and I know the men can too).
Ok...first question...how long have you been involved with your LDH (including dating)? You haven't been married for very long at this point, so I'm wondering if this problem existed before the marriage...or has he done a 180 on you? Also, what do you know about his past relationships, his family etc. Here's why I ask. My LDH was raised in a very nice family...his mom/dad are wonderful people...however they do not express their affection physically...especially not in front of anyone else....this was the first role-model my husband had...then later he was involved with a few very domineering women who used sex as a weapon to control him. This managed to completely squash any desire to initiate sex with a woman...he came to believe that women really didn't want to have sex...so he eventually came to the point where he didn't even think about it. Now we're lucky if we have sex 4-6 times a year...we finally have ML within the last 3 weeks, but prior to that it was a 6 mo dry spell. He NEVER initiates with me and often rejects/rebuffs my advances...not even realizing how much he hurts me. Fortunately he is now in counseling and some behaviors are very slowly changing...but there's still a long road ahead.
I hope you do not have children yet! Children only complicate the issue further. You have serious issues to work out in your marriage before you can consider anything to do with children. I know, I too am in a SSM and I have 3 children, which really hampers my options. So avoid the children for now, work out the SSM problems or get divorced if he won't work on them. Just do not make the picture worse by including children in this mess.
Hi Susan, So many times have I agonised over what I would do if I were still your age and knew what I know now 20 years on. I love my W dearly but I know for certain that I could have been so much happier if I had spent that time with someone more in tune with me (someone like you or honeypot for example). Once you have children, those of us with a loving nature (all of the people on this forum qualify) simply cannot bring themselves to abandon their families even when tempted by HD other men/women. I don't like to be a doom monger but based on your description of your LDH unless you get out, you are in for a lot of lonely sleepless nights. I feel that I have been successful recently but it is mostly due to the fact that I have been able to train myself to accept rejection rather than let it kill me. SD
DON'T HAVE CHILDREN YET!!! THEY WON'T IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE!!!
I'm sorry. Was I shouting?
Looking back 25 years I wish I had cut my losses and left. This may not be for you and we'll still love you if you stay with J. However, I wish I never needed to know about this website.
So, what is so engrossing about what J is doing?
And a note to Hairdog: Homeopathy isn't bunk, but it can only improve libido if it was suppressed by something else. Don't think of homeopathy as a way to change someone (like drugs), but rather a way to bring out the healthy person underneath.
Quote: I have seen a doctor and am going to private counseling. I am taking Wellbutrin for depression; however, I don't think my despondency is chemical. I think it's situational, and until the situation changes, I think I will continue to feel depressed.
I hear ya on that! Last year, I was convinced that I was depressed because of a physical reason, so I had a complete physical + MRI of my brain. Nothing was abnormal (thankfully), and my doc. prescribed Lexapro for me. I took it for a few months, but my "depression" didn't get better. About all the Lexapro did was hinder my erections and stop me from crying (I couldn't physically cry, even if I was very upset). It was then that I realized that the "depression" was situational, and I embarked on my quest to change my SSM into a more open, loving, and caring R. Hopefully, my SSM will become a SFM (sex-full marriage!)... and hopefully yours will too! It takes work. Definitely read Michele's SSM book sometime soon.
Quote: Something must change. I believe in marriage as a life time committment, and I also believe in fidelity. However, I'm finding that a sexless/affectionless marriage is no marriage at all. I can't keep going on being sad, frustrated and hurt all the time.
Marriage w/o sex is just living together as friends. Ick!
I think you are on to something with the affection reference too. How are you with H on a daily basis? Do you kiss his cheek or shoulder or neck in passing? Do you pinch his butt or rub his shoulders randomly, for no reason? It sounds like he is a little cold in the affection area. You need to find something to melt that away.
Believe me, I know it's difficult... and I've been married for 12 years! Somewhere along the way, my W and I got trapped in the autopilot day-to-day routines and forgot to make time for us and the R. The past 3 years have been an "ice age," but now I'm melting the ice and trying to "get the fire going again."
I hope you remember why you married your H, and I hope he can agree to try something different with you. Good luck!
You guys are all wonderful - it's so nice to know other people, especially other women, have this problem as well. And you all have given me lots to think about and consider.
J and I are not planning on children yet; logistically speaking, given our sex life, conceiving children would be incredibly difficult. We have also decided that I have to be mentally healthy (off anti-depressants) and that he needs anger management classes prior to having children. So at least we're in agreement on that.
J and I met in April of 2001, so we had been dating for a year and 10 months when we got engaged. I'm not exactly sure how our sex life was before we got married, which sounds strange, but I lived with my parents until we got married, and he lived with his mother for most of our dating/engagement period. Living with your parents doesn't afford you much privacy for sex. It's hard for me to say whether or not our sex life was good or bad based on the situation.
While we were dating, he did tickle me during sex, but he didn't do any of the other obnoxious things (like passing gas) during sex. I don't know what brought all that on, but it's annoying as hell. And a real mood killer.
J did not have good role models growing up. His mom has been married 3 times. J's dad was his mom's second husband. They were only married a year; they divorced when J was a year old. J's biological father was extremely abusive. J was actually taken away from both his parents by the state because his dad was so abusive (they figured his mom kept letting him visit his dad, so she was guilty as well). When his mom got him back, his biological dad took off, and J didn't see him again until this past September (after 21 years). His mom then married his stepdad, who legally adopted J, and he was no better than his biological father. He was also abusive, not just towards J, but also towards his mother. J went to military school (high school) voluntarily to get away from his stepdad. His mom finally divorced that man when J was 23 or 24, and J legally severed all ties with him. I know he harbors deep resentment towards him, which is understandable.
So he did not have any role models for how affectionate, intimate relationships are supposed to be. Interestingly enough, J is very affectionate in some ways. We always hold hands, and he hugs me a lot, and brushes my hair and things like that. But ... when it comes to just kissing or cuddling together on the bed, it's a different story.
I have read about love languages, and I think J's is to talk ... he tells me he loves me about a billion times every day and he tells me how happy I make him and so on and so forth. That's all nice to hear, but in all honesty, it gets a little old when there's not a lot of action to back it up.
I have considered ordering some testosterone over the internet for him, but I'm wary that I might get the doses wrong and have him end up looking like some of those olympic athletes that abuse steriods. I'm a pediatric nurse so adult dosing is not something I'm familiar with.
I guess you all are right in that I'm going to have to just lay it out for him ... however, I feel like I've done that so many times and it's just not sinking it. So I wonder - did I marry a total moron? Is he really that oblivious to the fact that I'm serious when I talk about this subject? Or does he not care? Or does he care and just not know what to do? I sometimes think he just doesn't know what to do and is too embarassed to ask for help or to even talk about it. I don't know ....
Anyways, thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it. And I wish all of you the best of luck in your relationships as well.
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
