I really appreciate you sharing your story. When I read it, I felt as though we'd married the same man! I don't think my H consciously avoided intimacy in our marriage, but he did everything he could to maintain physical and emotional distance between us.
He told me (right before I moved out) that when I'd try to talk to him about our sex life he'd think "Whatever. This will blow over and life will soon return to normal." He wasn't at all interested in trying to find a solution, because in his mind, there wasn't a problem.
I can't tell you how many nights I stayed up crying because I felt so lonely, so trapped, so rejected. I'm actually happier to be out of the house and on my own. It's better to have no sex life and be single than to be married to someone you love who continually rejects you.
I don't know about you, Sandi, but being in a sex-starved marriage really hurt my self-esteem. Three years ago, I looked like hell. I didn't care how I looked anymore - I never went shopping for clothes, didn't get my hair cut, etc. I just figured, "Why bother? H isn't attracted to me anyway." I was so demoralized!
I've pulled myself up by my bootstraps since then, but it was a long, hard battle to start liking myself again.
I'm still trying marriage counseling with H, but at this point, I'm losing hope. Even though I've done my very best to talk to him, he still doesn't understand why I left and how I need our relationship to change if I'm to return.
Michele, Read the first chapter and plan on purchasing--describes my H and I so well. Question for you--my H is in MLC (Replay stage) left 7 months ago after reading this chapter I think this helped to contribute to leaving--my C says so too. Dare I suggest H read this on the off chance it gets him thinking that maybe there could be help for us? Don't want to push in any way and i have had no real discussions with him about our relationship since i want him to work thru his problems on his own and don't want push him further back in the tunnel than he already is.--Fanny
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I can't wait to hear more of your thoughts once you read the rest of the book!
Sandi, I'm sorry that you felt so much pain you had to leave but I'm glad you're feeling more whole now. A strong physical connection isn't icing on the cake. It's very important. Touch is healing. It opens people's hearts.
Many people are asking if they should give this book to their near-walkaway spouse. I say "yes". Either offer it to them or, if you're still together, leave it on the nightstand without saying anything. If your spouse refuses to read it, say nothing.
Thanks again, everyone, I appreciate your feedback. Where are the guys? Michele
I can only speak for myself - but here I am! I hang out on the Piecing board these days but here is the link to my thread which will lead you to the beginning if anyone is interested:
Rereading through the first chapter, I can see a fair amount of Tom in myself. Even though W and I are seeing a C jointly, I am the one who is the more active partner in trying to build a new marriage with W. Even though I am the one with the higher sex drive, it was W who firmly controlled the aspects of our sexual relationship and I felt for years that I had to blindly accept that since that was the only way W would have sex with me. I feel very much like that I have "nerves of steel" since W has been doing her upmost (consciously or unconsciously - don't know which) to set the table for me to have an affair. But I keep trying to stay true to my M - but I also never promised to take a vow of celibacy either.
Would my W actually read this book if I gave her a copy or left my out where she could see it? Doubt it very seriously - she's more focused on MLC books since I feel she can avoid any sense of introspection. I'll still buy the book anyway - I enjoy Michele's writing style and it will benefit me at some point in my life - whether it is with my W or with someone else.
Maybe I'll spring for a telephone consult while I'm at it...
P.S. - Hope that you and the family - and everyone in the DB universe - have a safe and Happy New Year!
This guy is keen to reconnect with his W and, as I posted before, will buy the book!
I have a couple of questions; My wife always loved to be touched. I always agreed to tickle her, feet, hands, arms etc. Of course, this could always become the prelude to sex, but many times (I didn't understand) was 'just touching'. She doesn't want me to touch her now. Is this something I can work on? She seems so angry at me for everything and I don't currently see a way to reconnect physically.
I have purchased the KLA tapes and wait to hear if they help, as a prelude to being prepared for the time I can touch her, kiss her and then........
She is so good to be close to and we did spend many nights that way, just not so much in the past year. We don't share a bed currently and she moves away if I'm close by her at home.
My other question is related, She is in the 3rd or 4th stage of MLC. I didn't see anything in Hearts Blessing's posts that give me hope that this reconnection can happen yet. Would you agree? I guess since my wife enjoys physical contact, she criticized me for not wanting to cuddle and hold hands in the past (o.K., so I didn't always) is there a way to do this? It feels like I have to wait until she 'shows' me a sign. I did get to kiss her cheek on Christmas Eve and during the day
AnewBob, Thank you for your kind New Year's wishes. I certainly appreciate your thoughts. I also appreciate your feedback about the first chapter and I hope that when you read the rest of it, you will pique your wife's interest so she wants to read it with you. Even if she doesn't, you will gain some insight and some ideas about what you might try that you haven't already tried. That's the goal! I respect your integrity- working hard on your marriage even though your wife doesn't quite understand your needs. You have a great deal of personal strength. That's good!
Andyn, Unfortunately, at a time when touch could be so reassuring and healing, your wife just isn't ready for it. When a spouse has pulled away, even when things eventually get back on track, physical touch is often the last aspect of the marriage to return. So the key word here is patience. The Sex-Starved Marriage will help you take things one step at a time. Don't be discouraged if other people aren't having success. No two relationships are alike. Although not all marriages make it in the end, there's no way to predict whose will and whose won't. So, move forward with a positive attitude, follow the DB advice, be strong and keep your eyes open for small signs of progress. Keep posting as well. Michele
Thanks Michelle. It's always good to get the story from you directly. I confirmed that she's not ready for touch. I put my hand out as she went by and you'd have thought I was holding out a venemous snake - she veered out of the way. So much for that! I did ask what her 'love language' is (not in so many words) but her reply was that I didn't respect her and that I'd have to figure out what she wanted (it might be too late she adds) by myself! Bummer. No change there since I first posted. Is there a clue here. Do MLC'ers not want to participate in rebuilding their marriage?
Michele - thank you very much for the kind words. It would have been so easy to run almost a year ago - I was actually toying with the idea of becoming a monk. But I decided long ago that by running I would have to run away for the rest of my life. I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing by working on myself - by trying to be the best person that I can be for myself and my kids. Heck - even for my W too!
I'll post my impressions on the book on my threads. Can't wait to get it!
I adopted the DB method for about a year and in fact have succeeded in keeping my WAW wife stay me. Sit has somewhat improved, with the usual ups and downs.
But I am increasingly frustrated by very rare occations of sexy time together and an obvious lack of interest in making the R work from W's side. The symptoms which Michelle descibes do apply. W has no desire hence no sex.
Seems like both persons need to do / learn sthg with the new book's methodology and I know she will not.
So I figure rather than keeping DBing or trying yet another method, I will call it quits and move out as soon as I have a new flat.
HOLD ON! Before you leave, read the book. Leave the book around the house for her to see. Sometimes people with higher sexual desire behave in ways that make sexuality much less likely. Find out whether you've been inadvertently pushing your wife away. Don't give up just yet. Help is right around the corner. this book gives a voice to spouses with higher desire....maybe she will read it and understand why you feel the way you do. Michele
I hang out on the Piecing board these days but here is the link to my thread which will lead you to the beginning if anyone is interested:
and, as I posted before, will buy the book! 
But I decided long ago that by running I would have to run away for the rest of my life. I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing by working on myself - by trying to be the best person that I can be for myself and my kids. Heck - even for my W too! 
