Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Giving yourself an ultimatum

I am curious to know if anyone is giving themselves an ultimatum.

For example, I am looking to see where things are October of this year. That would make it 8+ months w/OW and about 2.5 years into the whole deal (with bomb of ILYBINILWY in October of 2006).

I haven't decided what to do at that point. But I consider October of this year to be an important point in this journey where I will do some evaluating.

I guess that depends on the ultimatum.

I personallt don't feel anyone should give themself an ultimatum to wait for X long and then start living their life again.

I never needed and ultimatum because I never stopped moving forward with my own life.

Standing is not still...it is active.

RCR

Well, yes, but obviously if you are standing you might need to eventually make a decision such as whether to date.

And that becomes an issue to deal with.

If you are Standing, you do not date. It is part of the definition of Standing and being a Stander in the fullest sense.

You can date and wait...that's a choice...it's just that it is not Standing.

Breton, I was reading your psots here and it occurs to me that you and I doing the same thing. We are trying to plan for things that haven't even happened.

In your case, you are trying to decide now when to give up. When to start dating. I don't think this is something that you can decide. It's not like you can say on Oct 25th, I'm going to give up and go on dates. I think at somepoint you will meet soemone and then have to decide which direction to go. That could be tomorrow, that could be in Oct., that could be 2 years form now.

In my case I am sitting here trying to plan out every discussion and how to handle things like selling my house and dealing with out debt. However, it occurs to me that my W has not asked me to do this at all. So why am I wasting my energy on it before it come up. When it comes up, I will have to deal with it. Not before.

I guess that's true, but at the same time, I am thinking of a mile marker of sorts. A reason to assess. Maybe there is no map, but at least I can look at how long I've been traveling and how far I went.

I am picking October because it will be about 1 year from ILYBINILWY, 6 months since OW, and also because that is just in advance of the holidays. I am going to consider what is going on and where things are at that time.

I think that you will probably question where you are going and where you have been many time before that and many times after.

Really what you are doing in setting this date is setting a time that you want to be reconcilled. That is not a good idea. In doing that you are putting a lot of pressue on yourself setting yourself up for failure. When that date comes and it hasn't happened, you will feel like you have failed to meet your goal.

You would be far better served to just be patient and let events come together naturally. If it is not going to happen by the holidays, setting a goal for it to happen or to assess where you are at does not change anything. It will only ruin your holidays because you felt like a failure because it didn't happen.

All right, all very good points....

I have to add, though, that there are practical considerations as well as matters of boundaries. I earn more and take care of financial considerations, for example.

At the 6-month point I may want to consider asking H to move out as I do not want to finance his A. I feel as if I am maybe being too understanding.

I agree with Imageer.

IMO, it is far better to set goals for yourself and where you want to be on this journey. Giving yourself a "give up" or "move on" date is like secondary control.

Give up on waiting for him.
Move on with improving yourself.

This does not mean stop standing for your marriage, it means giving up any semblence of control over the situation.

When I was where you are on my journey, I felt exactly the same way. Last October is when I finally dropped the rope, realized that I didn't have to hate him to let him go and filed for D. I didn't want to go another year, another holiday season or another anniversary in limbo. It was MY end of the line.

In November, H started coming out of the tunnel, spent Thanksgiving with us out of town for 5 days.

In December, H spent the holidays with us and when I found out afer Christmas he was still seeing OW, I told him no more.

In January, 6 days before the D was going to be final, H asked to delay the D.

In February, spent V-day together and had several really good R talks. He asked me to be patient while he learned to be a better man to me and to himself.

In March, spending most weekends here and we are seeing each other almost every day. More good R talks and H telling me how sorry he is about everything he put us through.

The key FOR ME was to completely let him go. Not just to say it but to do it and mean it. When you get to the point that you know you will be fine and your life will go on and be great because of what you choose to do with it, that is the time to move on.

Just don't shut the door completely.

Well, I think I can do that, but I also have to consider practicalities as well as question of boundaries.

How long do I finance an A?