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Aud,
That is such great news! You being "guarded" is advisable..he is a shadow lurker but I am hoping that he is truly setting his best foot forward.
Aud, you have done so much hard work I really hope this becomes fruits of labor...kudos to you! peace

Today feels pretty much the same as before the drama of the last ten days. H called a couple of times, last time was early evening when he said he'd be home for supper after a quick visit to his friends at the machine shop. Three hours later...he's not here and no word. Normal.

I've been thinking a lot about how to establish and maintain boundaries without 'pushing' or 'pressuring' him. He has demonstrated by past actions a tendency to do the absolute minimum necessary to keep me where he wants me. And he obviously has no qualms about lying to me.

So, any ideas on how I can encourage positive steps without dropping the issues that have to be resolved for me?

To clarify, my non-negotiable issues are:

1-Stop the cycle of compulsive lying (possible?)...I have brought up counseling, which he flatly rejects. Are there other options?
2-Respect our vows and me at all times in all places...don't do or say anything he wouldn't do or say if I were standing next to him.
3-Return to activity in our religion...LONG road there--he's facing excommunication.
4-Be open...prove to me there's nothing to hide by providing access to email and phone accounts, tell me when something happens he knows would concern me.
5-Look for new employment opportunities...the company he works at now is owned by a crook. Not exactly an atmosphere that inspires ethical living.

To me, the outrageous thing about this list is that none of these things are unrealistic to expect in a marriage (or shouldn't be). But I'm afraid I'm asking too much...what does that say about me? And him?

Ugh.

Aud-

Can #'s 1,2,3 be addressed with the assistance of your pastor/clergyman?

4 is good as well. He will have to re-earn your trust through transparency.

5 is a no brainer as well.

Not outrageoous at all.

Aud,
I am going to double post here hope you do not mind.


First,


I think this might be a little easier than you actually think. It seems like you are too worried about pissing him off with your boundries instead of sticking to them and holding your ground. Now this is just my opinion, I think you need to treat him almost like a child throwing a temper tantrum. When a child throws a temper tantrum it is a lot easier and wiser to just turn you back and let them finish it and let them see that you are not giving in than to sit there and argue with them....

My pint with this is that if your H wants to truely work on your M he will have to take the proper steps for himself to prove that. You set your boundries and make sure they are clear to him. If he crosses that line turn you back and go dark. You saw how he did not like it when you went dark even for a couple of days. Now when you go dark, IMHO stay dark until he changes. H does not deserve an explaination as to why you are doing what you are doing he will have to learn for himself what is causing your change in attitude. When H sticks to the boundries reward him with your kindness and love but again he does not derserve to know why he is getting rewarded either. All of this should be part of his learning process. Do not know if I made anysense or not here...I might just be talking to hear myself talk....

I think you guys will both have to go to C eventually but I also do not think he is ready yet either. Seems to be still doing the old Flip Flop.



A definite Must



Could be a lot harder for him to do than you think. Guys have this little thing called PRIDE and anyone looking down on that causes a huge problem in regards to the healing process...



I think this one might be going a little too far. remember you are trying to gain his trust as well as make him understand that you do trust him. By snooping you ruin all of that. Now the being open part is valid but the rest is what I would be concerned about.



Do not know about this one either. Have you ever voiced your opinions about his job and the employer? Just curious. But as a boundry it might be going a little to far for now.

My weekend felt like it was from a dream--H has moved home, took me out on a date, spent most of the weekend with me and the kids, went to church yesterday, has been thoughtful and affectionate and loving.

Blink. Blink.

I am so appreciative of the things he is doing, and sure to let him know, but am really feeling conflicted, worried about his motives--is this for real? Compulsive lying and manipulation...these things don't just disappear after five days of effort. And what of the possibility that the five days have been for show?

I feel torn between giving him time to show me the changes are for real (feelings follow action) and the compulsion to protect myself. After so many months of praying for a change of heart, it feels wrong to me to not be grateful for what is happening now.

The kids are ecstatic to have him home. He's doing mostly what I've needed for so long. So why am I waking each morning with anxiety in my heart?

Aud, Just my two cents here....Can't you do both. Give him the chance to show you that he is changing for good as well as protect yourself. The art of detatching goes both ways here. Not only do we have to protect ourselves from the negatives emotions that our WAS's cause but also the good emotions that they cause as well. We need to constantly remind ourselves to just take everything with a grain of salt and remember that everything can change at the drop of a hat.



I am so happy that you had a great weekend Aud. It is awsome to see things that SEEM to be turning in yours anf your families favor.



It is your wall you have up that he is starting to chizel away at (which is a good thing in my opinion) However, You still need to be careful for your sake and keep yourself protected until YOU feel that it is safe to let him back in. Remember, Actions speak louder that words....

Just my 2 cents though.

Live up the happy moments that you are having right now...Then store them and move on to the next day and see what it will bring...

Well Aud,
From an old pro of WAH leaving, coming home, leaving, coming home, leaving.....KEEP YOURSELF GUARDED! This is just my opinion but take your time in allowing him back into your heart completely. You have to see that he IS making changes and wants to be there for you! No matter what, do not back down from your morals and standards. If you don't agree with something, discuss it. Let him know how you are feeling and where you would like things to go. He has to know that he hurt you deeply and it is going to take some time to heal.

Please, don't let him take you for a joy ride. If you have to put your foot down, then do it.

Now that I have thrown some negatives out there, or some warnings, I just want to say this.........CONGRATS!!!!!! Keep working on it. You never know what can happen and things could be better than ever!

Please keep us posted. If you need anything, you can email me at j_engle77@yahoo.com.

Big hugs hon))))))))))) congrats!!!

Welcome to the world of piecing, for the next few months you will be looking up, waiting for the "other shoe" to drop. Been there, done that. When you will just have to almost talk yourself into trusting him. Of course it is normal you feel this way!! after all the lies a betrayal you are bound to feel guarded.

He'll have to earn your trust brick by brick as time goes by, it has been a yr since my H is back, and I'm telling you, I never thought I'd see the day when I'd stop worrying about him talking to ow again, when I'd stop check his car, calls, etc. But it is here, and I don't feel that aprehension any more. It is a daily challenge hon, you've been hurt and you wonder if you should keep your walls up.
Nothing in this world is 100% for sure. So you can either live in fear he might be deceiving you again, or you can slay your fear and remember that you are in charge of your happiness, with or without him you are a whole person, no matter waht happens.

If I have suggested this book already forgive me, but it has helped me so much in my healing process that I recommend it to everyone, it is "healing the hurt in your marriage".