Hi to all of you. Thank you so much for your support and ideas how to handle my problem. I unfortunately messed it up even though I intended acting as if. H didn't contact me this morning until 10:30 which really annoyed me as we had some things planned and then asked me to meet him somewhere at 11:30 and then as I was on the way there with S he changed the whole arrangement. Consequently I was rather annoyed by the time we ended up meeting up and I snapped at him and he asked what was up and I said everything. OK big exaggeration with the everything but you know what its like when someone asks that when you're cross. It ended up being a bit strange really in a good DBg way I think. It started to turn into a row because I was so angry and H I think was a bit like "where has this come from?". Anyway he said he thought I knew he might stay out based on a conversation earlier in the week. Although when he'd calmed down he admitted that what he had said did not actually imply he would be staying out. H said he didn't think it was fair to answer his text last night saying it was OK to stay out (it wasn't OK but I didn't want to say so and spoil his night out) and then be cross with him today. I could see his point so apologised and fell silent. This in turn calmed H down because he thought I would just keep going and going like the old me and we smoothed it out really quickly. So although I messed up it kind of prooved we have both really changed the way we handle arguments which is great because it was a real problem before.
He has gone to work now and won't be back until the early hours but I've asked him to call me when he's on his way home as I have a surprise for him. He thinks I'm mad for wanting him to wake me and I know it will make me a little tired for tomorrow but I feel bad about the way I handled things this morning and want to make it up to him. We have a really big garden and we've just finished a new bit to it and it looks really lovely. So what I'm going to do is send him a text telling him to follow the lights and I'm going to light some candles in the garden leading to our bench at the bottom where I will be waiting with the easter egg I've got him. I've never done anything like that before but have always wanted to and H has started to do more of the romantic things he used to do so I feel I can do this now.
Oh and I agree with you about letting him have freedom so that he wants to be here more. A friend of mine does this with her H and half the time he decides not to go out after all! She was a big help to me when H left and made me realise a lot of the things I should have been doing and wasn't. I didn't have a problem with him going out at all it was the sleeping at his friends and not telling me until 11pm that I had a problem with. It is so true that once you know you can do something you're not really that bothered about doing it. I am going to try harder at this. I amazed myself how well I did it when H first came home and he was going out about 3 times a week then and it has gone down to mostly once a week with the occaisional twice a week and I didn't show any problem with him stopping out. I think maybe I am expecting more now - like some consideration! and that is why I'm finding it harder to be OK about him staying at his friends. He said today that from now on he will only stay at his house when he has prearranged it with me before hand and made sure we are both totally OK about it rather than just deciding while he's out. I think this seems fair. Thank you all again for coming to my rescue I don't know what I'd do without your help with all this piecing stuff.
My H and I went through a similar stage - where the arguments we used to have would still resurface, but the way we dealt with them was MUCH better. One thing I said when we were going through this is "we're not trying to hurt each other". H agreed with that.
We took things slowly and now the arguments rarely come up. Why not? Cos I've learnt that sometimes I keep quiet, sometimes my timing is wrong so I wait, and I've learnt to communicate MUCH better as well.
In Bliss you are REALLY getting there. WELL DONE!!!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
In Bliss you are REALLY getting there. WELL DONE!!!!!
Thanks Jen I really think you're right. Not only am I handling things differently and better so is H which makes it so much easier. We are both like new people - it is amazing. H still sometimes acts the same but he hasn't had the DB help I've had!
H loved his surprise too but then I think he felt a little embarrassed as he hadn't got me anything for Easter yet. The old me would have probably sulked a little but the new me told him it didn't matter and he was enough. I think he liked that too.
Like you I am learning to be quiet about things that don't really matter when you compare them to your H leaving and also putting things differently. I feel so much better than the old me because it works for me as I don't get upset and cry and carry things on for ages and it works for H because he doesn't feel nagged! He he!! I think I'm really getting the hang of it. Also this morning I had a revelation of sorts. I started to get panicky about him staying out Thursday night and found my brain saying to itself that when H left there was no amount of persuading that could have changed his mind - even our S who he adores was not enough to make him stay in an unhappy M. So he is obviously happy and obviously in love with me and wants to be with me now because he's back and doing all the lovely things he did when I fell in love with him. So basically I have nothing to worry about!! I did it!! I put up that stop sign and thought about it rationally and it makes so much sense what I told myself! Hope everyone is having a lovely Easter holiday - what gorgeous weather here in UK!!
Hi IP the weather IS great, isn't it? Hotter than Spain they say!!!! Hope you're having a good day.
If you get a mo, would you drop by on this newbie? He has a WAW, whose main complaint was lack of intimacy/ML in their M. I know your main LL is PT (it's my least fave one!!!) so I was wondering if you could give him some pointers, since it might be that his WAW's main LL is PT.
And now you are a DB master!!! If you get the chance, that is..
Yes I cannot believe how nice the weather is...I don't think it realises it is Bank Holiday weekend! Unfortunately H is working all weekend except Monday but S and I have been busy visiting my parents, and playing and working in the sunshine in the garden. I am organising a little easter egg hunt for S and H tomorrow when H is off work. Hope you're having a great weekend too. Thanks for the flattery calling me a DB master!! I'll pop over to his thread now.
hey IP you ARE a DB master. Thank you for stopping by on 12_50 - I must say that was a very impressive post. You should go back and re-read some of your earlier posts, I have just skimmed a few and you're in a VERY different position than you were a few months back. I can see you've changed simply through your posts. it's so good that you've said H is working then in the same sentence say what fun you've been having with S. That is SO different to how you used to be - fantastic!!!
Woo HOO!!! Another DB Master to teach the young Padowans!! (Sorry, I'm a Star Wars nut)
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Hey, IB, I agree with JJ, you are getting to be a DB master!! I also read your post to 12_51, and it was a really good one.
I am glad that your H loved your surprise for him. You know, you really have come a long way from how you were a few months ago. It's amazing to us, so you can imagine how your H feels about it, seeing it every day.
It's funny, I was looking at my calendar, and commenting to my H about the UK's banking holidays, and I thought about you, and I wondered just what IS a banking holiday? Do you say Happy Bank Holiday? just joking!!
Thank you for stopping by on 12_50 - I must say that was a very impressive post. You should go back and re-read some of your earlier posts, I have just skimmed a few and you're in a VERY different position than you were a few months back. I can see you've changed simply through your posts
No problem I'm glad to offer any advice to people in the same sitch I was a few months back. You're right I have changed although the last few days I have felt as though I'm slipping back into some of my old ways and I find myself hating it (which I suppose is good in itself). Next time H works a night shift I'm going to refresh myself with the DR book to stop myself going back to that person. Don't get me wrong I am still enjoying myself on own and with S and H but I am finding little things that used to annoy me about H are starting to again and I don't want that.
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Woo HOO!!! Another DB Master to teach the young Padowans!! (Sorry, I'm a Star Wars nut)
Me too!!!! Oh the number of times I tried to copy Princess Lea's hairdo when I was a kid! I've seen the films so many times I know most of the lines! The first film which is now the fourth film is my favourite how about you?
Hey, IB, I agree with JJ, you are getting to be a DB master!! I also read your post to 12_51, and it was a really good one.
Thank you.
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I am glad that your H loved your surprise for him. You know, you really have come a long way from how you were a few months ago. It's amazing to us, so you can imagine how your H feels about it, seeing it every day.
Yes I think my H does find it pretty amazing. He looks at me sometimes with a big grin on his face and when I ask him what he says nothing he is just looking. I think he must be thinking really gushy things about me or something! He really did love his surprise. He liked all the candles in the garden best - it did look really pretty.
Now it so happens I can properly answer your question "what is a banking holiday?" I used to work in a bank until I had S. All public holidays in the UK are called Bank Holiday nowadays but it actually came from when Banks used to do everything in ledgers by hand. Once every so often - roughly every quarter - they had to close to the public to balance all the ledgers and because the Banks were closed most other business closed too. That is where the term comes from but like I say any public holiday is now called a Bank Holiday.
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Do you say Happy Bank Holiday? just joking!!
That would be funny - no we don't!!
H and I (and S) have had to have our Easter weekend on Tuesday and Wednesday because H was working. We have been out to a really big park one day and shopping and a garden centre the next. It was really nice - we've had to make the most of it because H has got extra shifts next week and is working all of it with just sleep breaks so we won't really see each other.
and that is why I'm finding it harder to be OK about him staying at his friends. He said today that from now on he will only stay at his house when he has prearranged it with me before hand and made sure we are both totally OK about it rather than just deciding while he's out. I think this seems fair.
Unfortunately H is working all weekend except Monday but S and I have been busy visiting my parents, and playing and working in the sunshine in the garden. I am organising a little easter egg hunt for S and H tomorrow when H is off work. Hope you're having a great weekend too.
Thank you.