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You are the queen of "baby steps". Thanks for still posting on my thread.. I NEED to rememmber to celebrate those baby steps!

I hope things are still going great for you and H. Every step of the way is difficult, isn't it??

This is sounding really good. I will have to put up a sign "baby steps" on my desk. I guess it is really scary to actually know that he is coming home. Like how you are going to react, what if you cannot be perfect. Not sure if you are having these feelings but I know I would. Would be so great that ow moves. H said before distance does not matter because they can still get together. But in reality it DOES. If it is harder to do, it will be harder to keep the relationship.

We went to a social event tonight with a lg group - I think that most do not know our sitch (diff social circle) though one snotty woman asked how we were doing - she may have been snooping. But she has her own set of debt and H issues...Don't we all to some extent.

H had a great talk with a mutual friend who's now D for 2 yrs to due his WAW. This guy was a big boost to our marriage in that he would still like to be back with his ex W. My H heard how sucky it is to be D and to try and date 'good' women. H is going on three weeks now w/o the Ow and he says he is sad but still has no desire to contact her. We are making progress.

Ow did move out so the nightly walks around our side of town will now stop. Less chance for encounters - good for me and H.

Tonight after the party H and I came home and he slept here for awhile and then left for his apt - I handled it well though I HATE when he leaves - cannot wait for him to be home for good. Baby steps and I know be happy with what positives I do have.

It's hard for me because I have been the 'cheerleader' for 9 mos now when it comes to our R. I am still coddle'ing him and his feelings - when does he start to think about mine????? I do not want him back if he cannot truly start to balance his feelings with mine - not sure if this is getting too selfish on my part but I want to be an equal partner in all facets of our R or I want to move on without him. We have always been a team and for a long time I feel I have been carrying so much of the weight. If I had thrown in the towel a long time ago we'd be D right now.

The LBS's carry so much weight that at times it is down right unfair - and I know this was my choice but I still need to vent about it. Sorry just letting it out here vs with H - since he cannot handle me getting down just yet....

HB - I know its tough but you have to hang in there. However, there does come a time when you will need to speak up and most likely that will be when he feels it is time to come home or you have "dated" long enough and you need more of a commitment - only you will know when the time is right

This is my second "go-around" so I semi know what I am talking about. I made the horrible mistake of not setting the boundaries the first time and clearing the air. I handled it all wrong, just to have it happen all over again 4 years later. The torture is almost unbelieveable but I am bound and determined to figure it out this time and because I am doing things differently, progress is being made more quickly. H is even reading the books I bring home - THAT is a DEFINITE plus. He would NEVER have read anything like that in the past, thought it was all a "bunch of crap". He is also going to counselling - one-on-one and couples - another BIG plus.

We are both handling this one differently and realize this is probably our last kick at the can, so to speak, so we had better get our s@@t together and do it right this time

As much as my H didn't leave (although there were many times it came pretty close) sometimes I think it would have been easier to work on things without the constant emotional mess flying around me. To each their own.

Take it one day at a time and don't try to rush it. Rushing it just buries things and will end up having it fester all over again if you get into a "comfortable zone" too quickly. As much as you would like things to move along quicker, trust me, it is for the best if it takes its time a little

Hang in there

Hey, HB --

I'm so glad that you're continuing to make progress. Keep going with the baby steps. Remember my story of having H back (though he wasn't REALLY commited to being back) for a short time, and I "freaked out" because he didn't want to talk about us, and I started being clingy, sad, etc., etc., all over again. Wow, I'm sure he wanted to stay around to be with a person like THAT, huh? Not so much...

Also, it was almost harder for me when H DID come home versus when he was gone the first time. I felt awkward around him and was conscious of every single move I made and word I said. Couldn't sleep well, work well, etc., etc. I thought that once he came home there would be this huge relief. Well, obviously there was in some ways, but in others it was so much harder than I expected. AND I think I already told you this, but we took things way too fast - acted like nothing had ever happened. That's what H said he wanted. That was NOT the right thing to do. I needed to keep DBing on certain things and keep giving him space and let things come together slowly.

I think I already told you this, but if not, re-read the section at the end of the last resort technique about what happens with spouse comes home right away after you start DBing. It talks about how to take things slow - or you might find yourself in the same situation again. I know you've been through this before, so you already know these things.... Also, read the end of the infidelity section that talks about what to do when spouse DOES come home. I think it talks about that it might be a while before they're ready to talk, etc.

You are doing so well, HB. Keep your chin up, be proud of all of the progress that you've made, and don't think for one minute that your H isn't feeling pain and sadness from all of this. He might not be showing it outwardly...

Think of how far you've gotten. Take a deep breath, and remember to be patient and don't overlook the baby steps.

Hang in there!

Hello heartbroken,

I read some article on marriage builders awhile back. I think they can help you with your feeling right now.

I am linking you to the first article. At the end of each there is a link to the next and next. They describe the feelings you are going through now while offering insight on what you have went through already.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html

Hope it helps.

Thanks Heywyre, 2940831 and HeartScared!!!

This is why I post here! You guys and this whole team at this site are soooo inspirational! I can say whatever here and not have it turned around on me!!

After I logged off last nite I texted H and said I missed him and wanted sex NOW - not really thinking he would respond it was 5 am and most of us are sleeping at this point... I kept thinking what a nice surprise if he just showed up at our home and crawled into bed and guess what HE DID !!! We ML and it made me so happy - I kept thanking him for the surprise visit and then we fell asleep until he went back to the apt at 8:30 ish - kids slept downstairs (had a sleepover) so I don't think they even knew he had been here...

We got together later today shopped and talked about future house projects (we are MAJOR DO it your selfers) and I did not press for a timeline. Had dinner as a family and now just dropped him off at the apt. H said he had a good weekend. H says he misses her friendship but he still has no real desire to contact her. He misses the loss of the friendship - I said I know I lost her as a friend and him as my best friend. H seemed quiet after this comment - like 'wow' the wife hurts too.

All in all a very good weekend - some sad points but more happy ones than sad! Went riding with the neighbor guy on his harley this afternoon - that was fun!!!

Thanks for all your support! Baby steps and I will keep pluggin' away!!

Hey, HB -

WOW! What a wonderful evening/morning it turned out to be for you. I'm glad you had a nice time. I know you were struggling with the whole ML issue. Just remember not to push things too fast, okay? I don't want you to end up where I am! Enjoy your evening for what it was, AND don't build any expectations on it either. If you don't build expectations, it won't be so emotional if something happens to either build on those expectations or take away from them. It's that emotional roller coaster we all struggle with....

You are an inspiration to me... I am so proud of you and all that you have done to bring your M closer and closer to coming back together. Congratulations on all of your hard work.

I am having a really hard time right now - have started the DB process in a major way and am happy about that but have a severely broken heart at the same time... Have been in and out of tears all day. Maybe you could jump over to my thread and give me some advice for how you made it through these hard times?

Congratulations again, and remember to keep it at baby steps, okay? He needs to go through the healing process himself of getting over OW, so remember not to do things that will push him back towards her and/or make her more attractive to him. Be flirtatious, but distant. Make him wonder... Be mysterious.

Thanks again for sharing your story with us all. It has helped me so much and given me courage to keep fighting this fight... Keep up your hard work!

Wow - ML and you aren't even living together - how kewl is that. What I would give for my H to surprise me!! I can't remember the last time we ML, how pitiful is that?

Heywyre - now I feel bad posting my good news ;(

This is a hard place to be I want my story to be a positive to help encourage other DB'ers to keep the good fight going. At they same time I don't want to seem insensitive to those who are still struggling with their spouse and the OP...

H and I still have a long way to go. We know what the issues were/are and we still need to work at them. H also has to get over Ow completely. H will also have to deal with Ow's ex - who was H's friend as well (not as close as Ow and I were but they were friends due to us two wives being such good friends). Day by day and keep the Baby Step motto playing in my head...