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((((((PennyMB))))))

Ok now I'm really bummed. I just had typed a new posting and had a power bump and lost it. AHHAHAHAH.

I think I really blew it this morning. H and I had an agruement about not asnwering his phone yesterday and we had a little family emergency (and we handled it) but I guess it was more that he didn't come home to help with the family business. It then turned into a argument about the OW and what she has done. ( I swore I wouldn't do that again but I lost my cool and I guess we just know what buttons to push). All day he has called me and was kinda obnoxious and I just made light of it. I answered the phone because we were comuticating about and with our youngest S in college. He needed some advice. My H was really being kinda ignorate about it probably because of our fight. Then he was mad at our other S for not returning his PU soon enough. We had used it this week end in our business. My H is living 100 miles away ( to make a long story short. He has been over there helping his brother get his plant back together after a family accident this summer when our nephew was killed. It has been tough on everyone. So I have been taking care of our business and working full time.) They have it up and running and my H wants to go back to doing his old job and being gone anywhere from 5 to 9 months a year. He makes really good money and I think he is taking it out on everyone because he wants to go except the OW and she makes it fun and has been making him shirts and everything. I guess I have a hard time being replaced by someone like her who has the reputation of not being a nice person. Her own family stood up for me (I heard).

I know I need to keep GAL which I have been working on. Everyone has complemented me on how well I look and even to the point of building up my ego and saying you look hot. What away to make a 48 year old feel good. Its just so lonely at times that is is hard to take. That is another thing I told him that it was so frustrating and lonely for me. I know I broke every DB rule. My oldest son is very good at telling me to become strong and look out for me. Its funny how you can be so strong in business and everyday life and completely fall apart thinking about M and H. I think he has harden his feelings so much that he doesn't care. He has told me he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me anymore. He wants to move on with his life.

I guess the hardest thing he has done is pull away from our sons. He is pretty hard on them but they are really good kids. One has graduated from college and went back and one is a junior in college. They are hard working boys. People tell him all the time you have the family that every guy wants and what is wrong with you. It tears myheart out to see him pull himself a way from them and only occasionally want to do something with them. Besides the OW he has an old High school friend that we have never figured out why he can demand my H come see him because he needs some help and h will drop everything and go.
I am very lucky because I am very close with the boys and they are very supportive of me. I couldn't ask for more.

Well I guess I am just venting tonight. I would take any advice at all. I know it is hard to teach a old dog new tricks but I am trying.
There are times I wonder should I try and get him back. Will he ever be happy with me. After all these years 25m and 27 total
I stilled loved him more than he would ever realize. He told me he still loved me but differently.

Advice Please......Thanks....Could it be a MLC in full form....
One time he said all wives just turn into old house wives who are set in there ways. I have always been really active in our business which is outside work and probaly neglected the house work because of an over load and no help at times. What do you Think?

Penny,
It sounds like you're still in a grieving process regarding your M. The grieving process has a life of it's own, and we must be patient--the pain subsides in time. At that point, we have work to do.

I know that you've made a good effort as far as GAL activities, and have improved your general health and appearance. You have managed your business and family responsibilites well, and with dedication, even though your H has not been a consistent partner.

He is ambivalent about the R at this time. It will be difficult for you two to work on the R while he continues with OW. You seem ready to work on things, but am frustrated by his continuing pattern.

It sounds like you need to work on the detachment part of DB. It's an acceptance of where your R is at, and that you no longer are waiting for the person to return or have a change of heart. You keep open the possiblity of Piecing the R, keeping "the road home smooth and free of obstacles."

You maintain positive connections if they extend invitations, and you're up for it. You listen like a good friend. You develop realistic expectations of what your H and the R can offer at this time. You manage the difficult emotions, but act towards your H with compassion, civility, and kindness.

GAL, acceptance, and detachment are very difficult skills to attain, but are essential if we're going to thrive during our marital crisis. It takes practice and a willingness to adapt to the situations that we're in. We have to move beyond sadness, anger, and fear, and discover the freedom to live a happy life that is still available to us.

CL

Cl
Thank you so much for the advice. You are right I need to get better at the detachment. You are also right about being good friends. It is so hard because my husband calls me and acts like we are like brothers and sisters or best friends. He acts like there is nothing wrong. Then he goes and sees her. I have to admit that I have come a long way. I was just on 2940 thread and how I was obsessed with H and OW 24 hours a day. It was scary what you let yourself become. Even today when my SIL called and said the OW sent her daughter to go live with her dad. I'm sure she did it so she can spend more time with H. She has tried to be super mom since seeing him. What I was saying (see sometimes I still go off on her. She is such a manipulating person and its hard to think he would be with her) but I don't completely go berserk!!!! Which is good.

I am starting to think hey I have to think about what is the best for me and the boys. I even thought today at one time maybe I will enjoy my self. Like I told 2940 I have to think POSITIVE. Being with someone for 25 years old habits are hard to break.
Thank you for taking the time to help me. I think I will go to bed now. I've had a long day and all of sudden I am exhasted.

Thanks Have a Good Night.

I have been reading and reading. We are all very alike.

I hope you do start enjoying yourself. It is difficult to break the habit of worry and obsession but it is possible. Finding things to laugh about with your kids helps a lot. Lately, my advice to anyone with marital problems is to get a dam dog. They are so preferable to bad spouses. Dogs are understanding AND devoted! My little dog sort of stinks, but at least I know where he has been rolling!!

Penny, I am older than you. I do understand the implications of being betrayed at this late date. Financial worries that are VERY real get twisted in with the awfulness of being betrayed. It is a fearful combination. Just keep on trying to make things right. Good luck to all of us.

Hi Flicka,

It still is amazing that there are so many of us that are alike. You think you are the only one going thru this till you start reading all the treads. WOW!! I know what you are saying about the kids and they call and talk to me every day. Which I am fortunate to have boys that will do that. It is just so hard to all of a sudden after 25 years and 27 years of being together he doesn't think he loves me or wants to spend the next 25 years with me. But I am getting ahold of things way better than I used too. What is scary sometimes I think back and see the pattern that was developing. I'm trying very hard to look straight a head and build on making things better for me. It just gets terrible lonely. At this age I didn't think I would be so alone. I thought after the boys were gone it was to get better. I have saw that with my friends that they have pulled together. I guess that is something that haunts me. I keep talking my self out of thinking what does she have that I don't.
Thank you for taking the time to visit with me. It really does help.

Don't be so certain of what your husband "thinks". In my experience, husbands do not think. They rationalize their selfish behavior. All we can do is detach and watch and wait without getting sick ourselves.

Cope with the anxiety and present lonliness by being kind to yourself. Make yourself a project. Reclaim your good health and reconnect with friends that are special and non-judgemental. I know I sound like a hippy practioner of some sort, but getting physically stronger creates mental wellness and the ability to cope with unforseen situations.

Good books help. I own a 'tower of self help' but I am not necessarily talking about them... Just great reading that reminds us of the larger, better world. My reading habit helped me through an awful childhood and has kept me almost calm, since.

The Tower of Self Help is what I resort to when I lose my way. Or reading here. Realizing there is not much original grief helps me cope. We can survive our husband's disloyalty with grace or not... it is up to us.

Bye for now. Dog wants his hike.

You are right. I just posted on 2940 about assuming what they are doing. I have to realize what they are doing or thinking is something I can;t control. I am having a hard enough time trying to control me....

I need some HELP on EASTER. My boys will both be gone. I haven't mentioned anything to H. His b and W are having a big dinner and we always go to his family they are a big family and do a lot together. They have invited me to go with or without him. I am really close to his family. Of course I have beenhere 27 years. This is really hard at times because I have 8 SIL and all of us are pretty close. I am an only child so it is real hard. I guess I will just wing it. If he wants to go to dinner, church, movie or a drive I'll go or just go do my own thing. See I think I'm gettingbetter. before I would be freaking out and worrying.

Tonite I have a feeling after posting on 2940 that I also CAN MAKE IT. with or without. I am gaining confidence thanks to everyone. I am still open for advice.

Penny,
I'm not sure what advice you need. I like to hear that you're gaining increased confidence that you can manage this situation. This is a sign that you're getting stronger.

It sounds like you have an extended family network that has been a significant part of your life. I don't recall how much family members know about your situation. I guess what's difficult for you, is maintaining these connections, given the status of your M.

Participating in the family gatherings with or without your H is difficult. Things are not the same. We are reminded of the loss that has occurred. Maintaining connections forces us to face that our spouses are not present or that the R is different.

It sounds like you're at a point where you will decide what to participate in, and to what extent, and connect with family even though things are different, and it will be awkward at first. The difference is you're no longer going to dread or avoid these situations. You and I understand that we have to maintain our connections to the world, and important people in our lives to move from pain to power.

CL

Penny, you are doing as well as any of us. Your intentions are good and that is what matters. Every horrible one of us has crashed and burned on occasions. The trick is to predict and then avoid the triggers.

Wine makes me truthful. Viciously, truthful and careless too!!! It feels so excellent at the moment, but I have had regrets later. I first started to feel hopeful about my own situation when I realized my husband was the one that would 'repair' us after these red wine fights. We have a lot of rituals to do with cooking and places and things. We have resorted to those when things became terrible.

My best advice to you and anyone else, is to remember the good stuff and do that. I walk a tightrope with this, because we swill wine while he cooks. If I am not careful I cross over into needy or hurt or sarcastic {my favorite!}. He can drink like a pirate and not get drunk so he watches me disintegrate while the curry bubbles.

Just forgive yourself if you mess up. You can only be honest. That is the best.

I need spell-check too. I find my self searching for synonyms. Unfortunately, there is no 'sinonym' for synonym! I looked that one up....