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I do not have much time to post... I stopped at the local Library to use the Internet... hopefully by next week mine will be up and running again. Things are going well, had a little bump ( well a bump at any rate) in the road the other day, cause I mentioned that I was having problems with D10 being sassy and running her mouth. My H said I am too soft etc.etc...... none the less he was right about some stuff and wrong on other points and I did not stand down nor did I argue.Seems like when I fix one thing it is another~
He also said our R was not good and I have not changed...

and I said well I am sorry you feel this way but I think it is good and we are working on it ... I will always love you and you have the right to feel this way if you want to...
but you being rude to me and saying these things will not change the situation that our D10 is acting this way. He also yelled at me for crying.... To which I replied,,,
You deal with things with anger and me with tears what makes yours right and mine wrong? And you know this is why I do not tell you when they are misbehaving cause then you get like this~

The next day he was over this little tyrade of his and he was kissing my ^(**~ like crazy..... ??????????????
Called me later that nite to specifically tell me to change it to NBC and get a dress like the one on TV... mind you we are pretty tight on cash right now so he is thinking about me buying this down the road.... he sometimes confuses the h*ll out of me!

All is as well as it can be and I am continuing to work on me and my strength.
God bless you all and take care... Ali

Ali,

It hurts a little that your H had a tyrade and critisized your parenting skills. That's a big no no. I just finished an awesome book that Sven suggested. I actually downloaded it to my ipod. It's called, "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women" by Shanti Feldhahn. It might be some good listening for him on one of his long road trips. I think he might be speaking about himself ey?

You were tested here, and I think you held up very well. You are getting stronger, and you're not standing down, that's good. He's way off base when he goes into his tyrade. That's very unhealthy, and NOT OK, even when followed by a major ass kissing. You might think about picking a nice calm time and explain to him that his temper is not OK, and he needs to stop exploding on you.

Stay strong, and God Bless You,

COG

That is terrible he said the relationship is not good or getting better! Don't you believe it. He must have been having his own little temper tantrum and taking it out on you. They always say the things that cut the deepest and they know it. You handled yourself well. Don't let this bring you down at all.

They should start reading books like we do. Maybe they would learn something! Take care.
Cissy

Hello all.. I am doing well for the most part. My H continues to work out of state and we continue to talk on the phone. He is being nice and yet he seems stressed with himself..... He also make no sense when he says what he said that day. Sure let me know my "imperfections" but look in the mirror too. He also said that day which I sort of felt underneath the surface anyway, which I hear in the back of my head daily : Why do you think I do not like to stay at home havent you noticed this,,, and I dunno what is happening to our Family. B/C my D9 was sassy.. she really has always had a "personality" like this and I personaly have been trying to work on this and for him to say it is no big deal to me or punish me by not being home is beyond me. And he is always forgetting he is not only hurting me by saying this but he is hurting himself and also very much losing valuable time with the kids... he also told me he hopes I do not ever say to him that he was not ever home enough to help and that I never throw this in his face... WOW! He has also said in the past when I have asked him for parental support that he has enough stress with work he doesnt have time for this and is he the only adult here why should I have to ask him for advice re: the kids. After I asked him years ago to please tell the kids to go to bed.
My kids were 5,6 and 7 at the time and I wanted them to see that we were a united front, they knew dad was there but not really there...

Well I have come to realize that I am pretty much a single mother so to speak and even though I have his support at the same time I really do not,, I have also started to really discipline my kids more. I do see his point in certain ways but he could have said it in a nicer way.
He says he wants me to be stronger,, well wish granted and not just in regards to my kids either.

I am actually still very hurt by this conversation that we had.
I also realize that I need to work on me more,, his actions and calling me frequently demonstrates his love for me but he seems to wave himself in my face so to speak and that hurts. I do not love him like that I love him plain and simple. My love for him is unconditional and it would be unrealistic of me to expect him to love me exactly the same way but when that day comes I will get down on my knees and praise GOD~
I watched the movie Kingdom of heaven the other day and it made me cry and I loved it. I am realizing so much lately and realizing even more that I am valuable and worthwhile in so many ways.

God has purpose for me~
God bless....

I am coming up to the " anniversary" of the bomb. Last year May 1st.... UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~
And I have been busy with "work" I work for my H out of our home, he is still out of town working,, havent seen him in weeks.
And I am doing ok.. he is still ,I feel, thinking this is all not so real and he can not believe me, so to speak. Like it is to good to be true. I am working thru that and realizing that he is with me and he needs time to accept that this is real. I too sometimes "expect" him to act or react like the old Husband and when he surprises me I sit back and just scratch my head and think silently to myself .. GOD is good.
It just happened the other day or when he lets go more or when he is vulnerable with me. he still is fighting the thought she is just acting I am quite sure.... he told me something along this just yesterday that it doesnt seem true... maybe soon he will just let go and accept that I love him and I am here to stay. funny I should be feeling this and he is?

On a side note ... I had a friend much younger than me and to make a long story short~ I stopped talking to her months ago.
I have grown to a point where if people are not helping me live in the light and hurting me that I need to let them go.. I think I have suffered long enough. And so I am no longer friends with her.
She is still dating my H friend and they are always having drama and she is a compulsive liar. I though if I cared about her enough and " loved " her enough she would never hurt me ~ how NAIVE~

She called my H several times in the middle of the nite on Sunday and then left him a message to call her she wanted to let him know that had been incarcerated and why....

while My H was in Mexico she told "his friends"
(her boyfriend has a large family that has known my H for years there are very close) that my H went away to get married, he was on his honeymmon AND he was never coming back, that My H hit her b/c she was wearing a mini skirt and he thought it inappropriate and that when he came home he brought OW with him WOAH

I am sure she was behind the " lies and rumors" I asked you all about months ago.
(and I had a severe painc attack that day)

I did tell my H about those rumors later and he was hurt so....
I am amazed that he accepts calls from her. He called her back yesterday in the morning cause she left a message for him to call her. She went on and on and talked to him for a bit I guess... and I told myself I would not call her and confront her but as the day progressed I became more angry. I confronted her in a very calm voice saying I have never hurt her or said a mean word about her and I would appreciate if she would leave me alone.

I never mentioned that she should not call my H even though that did hurt me. She hung up on me and called my H.
Wow...

I did not know what people were capable of,, so my H then calls me and he was not Mad but he said I should not have called her I should just laugh it off like he does....

???????????????????????????????
She told him yesterday in the morning that she found his friend her boyfriend with women and that was bad enough but had they not been OLD WOMEN like ALI ( ME) it may have ben ok but geez they were old like her.............. NICE HUH. I am really hurt by that at first I laughed but then I thought how hurtful of her to say that about me.. And by the way most people think I am 26 and I am actually 36 so I really truly do not look old.

She was with me when I would not get uo b/c I was so distraught and in pain last year and saw me lose so much weight and be soooooooooooo sad. And then for her to be so unkind is beyond my comprehension. When I confronted her she said she has bigger problems than to worry about what she may have said to others about me.......

I am hurt and she relly is not having a care in the world... sad really.
One positive note is that my H is very supportive of me and he called me alot last nite after she called him to say I was upset.... although I am still hurt that he doesnt know why I let her get to me. He says I should just laugh about it, she doesnt mean anything to him so why does it upset me he asks? Do any of you all have any advice for me I would love it!

It is sad for me to think that I can not trust and when I love fully and give I get hurt so much by the very people I care for so much.
My H loves ne very much and I miss him so much and its hard to be alone and she used to say she admired my sterngth and wanted to be like me someday .. so why be so disrespetcful and hurtful to me? I could never be like that to others,, I love God to much to let him or myself down like that. I am hurt but this too shall pass. Thank God for you all. I am at the library and hopefully next week I can get the internet at home again~
I miss being here it helps me so much. To me it is a blessing to be alive and to me I am living in the light and then for someone to just blindside me is sad. Really just sad and I actually pity her but why? Do I realy have to harden my heart and close off others or can I be beautiful in spirit and still survive in this world?

God has a purpose for me ~for us all really.
God bless

Ali,

Great to hear from you. I hope you get your internet up soon so we can stay in touch. I don't think you have to harden your heart, or close others off. However, you should not allow evil into your life. Your friend obviously has some real problems. I suggest you pray for her, forgive her, but not nurture that friendship at all. Just let it go, and keep as much space between you and her as possible. Don't call her anymore, just let her go and suffer through life on her own. There are enough good people on this earth that you are not required to spend your time with those that are OFF the right path.

Your H is one lucky fellow. Keep up the good work, keep on working out, and doing the things that make you feel good about yourself.

God Bless,

COG

Hi Ali,

Hang in there... just post more if you need to vent, it will help. I am sorry to hear someone so close has hurt you like that. You are strong, though, maybe in time this will heal, too.

Take Care,
Cissy

Ali,

How are you? How are things? I miss you!

COG

Cog, you are such a sweetheart. I missed you too. I have my internet service up and running today just a few minutes ago the technician left. We wanted Business Class Internet service and it took forever to get them here! Thanks for the post.
God bless...

Well COG there is actually so much to update on and I cant even remember how long it has been since I posted.
Last year this week of May was the hardest week of my life to date,, my Husband told me on May 1st that he wanted a Divorce and that this wasn't working .... I still remember Mothers Day like it was yesterday and the sheer agony of it all. Wow those were some tough days!

I feel better now though I must admit and lately I do not think so much @ the OW. Time has helped heal me some more and I truly feel like I can get thru this and over it so that it doesn't feel so fresh and I do not think @ it so much.
My H still has the Tattoo and the other day we went to lunch and as we were walking towards the restaurant we saw a Tattoo Shop and he said .." MAYBE I WIL COVER THIS LATER ".. WELL later never came. He even went out for the afternoon with friends and he was gone for what seemed like forever and I really thought for a minute he was getting a Tattoo but when he returned he had not gone to get a Tattoo he was playing cards. He did apologize for taking so long and that for him is a Rare occurence ,, he is actually getting more mellow as the days go by and this is not so fresh anymore.
I listened and then said well I thought you were taking so long cause you were getting a that covered and he said no I wanted to....

What I like is now he does not get defensive Re: that subject anymore .like he used to. I think that says alot. Also in late April , when he was stil out of town working I told him how much I missed him and he said well then come and see me ....

So being the FOOL IN LOVE THAT I AM ....at 2:30 in the morning I drove HIS BIG DUALLY truck @ 6.5 hours south and arrived the next morning. We had a FANTASTIC TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He had a few cruel comments and I let the first one go and then when the next day came and he had two more I let it go and then later when it seemed like the right moment I told him it was ok to criticize me @ x, y or z but there was no need at all to be cruel. That it was unacceptable.. and he actually just listened and did not say a word back. That for me was a very new

THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED ON MY 4 DAYS WITH HIM... was when he saw me ( after @ 2 weeks of not seeing me ) he looked at me the way he used and like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever , ever seen and said..

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU , I love you so much...
AND I missed you soooooooooooooooooo much more times than I can remember. And to be perfectly honest I felt his vulnerability and truth so much in this moment that I was reduced to tears and he said to me "lets talk.." and of course I was speechless.
It was even more bittersweet for me b/c last year at this time I was very keenly aware that I was losing him and I felt my world crumbling and like I had no control of my ~ VERY OWN ~ life.

I have come a very long way from the anniversary of the BOMB last year , as the days approached I felt nervous but my H seems to be growing some more and being more available to me and open and I am feeling very blessed. He is really trying to just be Happy with himself and me and I love it. He is actually helping me heal more by being who I need him to be. He is tearing down the wall even more and it seems like he is getting more comfortable with me and in his own skin.

I will continue to post here and work on me ...
It is that important..

Take care you all..
God bless..