Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He is leaving to be alone to THINK - now what?

update. He is moving out today.
We just came back from a planned vacation, but we decided to stay in different hotel. He took the kids and had a great time. I was by myself and it was great too (first time in how many years???). I sensed that he missed me. At the same time, I know he is also looking forward to being single again. After he moves out, I think he will either miss me and comes back, OR he will enjoy his new independence/freedom so much that he will just leave (and may not be with OW either). I feel sad about this because I really want to tell him that having his freedom and staying in the marriage is not mutually exclusive (well, except for the OW part). But I will have to let him make his choice. I want my h back, but not an unhappy one. I also do not want myself to be unhappy.
Tonight we are going to my son's school performance. After that, I am guessing we will not talk for a while. I do not want to have any communications so he can really think on his own. H originally suggested this, but now he keeps telling me to "talk to him whenever I want". His speech is so confusing to me. Why is he moving out and still wants to keep talking to me all the time??? Sometimes I feel very confused with his actions.

It's funny when my H was moving out I too was preparing in my mind not to talk, not to have him over...it never went that way. My C said to always make every encounter end in a positive to bring you closer vs. negatives put a wedge in between you two...

major discovery (or not as I expected it)
He left last night. I dropped him off. This morning I went over early because I feel like I should give him a "proper" and "positive" good bye. I waited outside on the street and texted him. Long story short, OW spent the night inside.

I was VERY HURT. After I calmed down a bit, we talked. I told him I will not hear any more lies (all this living alone BS). His version is as follows. Rather than living alone to think, he has actually already decided to stay with me. This whole moving out thing is to give her a "soft landing". OW complains that she was not given enough time with him (he ALWAYS comes home). His plan is to move out per her request, convince her that he misses me too much and ends it. OK, I can understand that (this is HIS personality, OR is it the same with all MEN, ha ha). Of course, I do not agree but that's not the point.
I repeatedly tell him if he is lying, just end it right there with me rather than wasting my time, energy, tears, and feelings. He said he is not lying. He only asks for a few weeks to finish this. He still claims no PA anymore.
Now, I am VERY HURT (did I say that already?) On one hand, i feel like giving up with all the lies. I do not know with all these lies, how I can learn to trust him again. I told him I want him to be happy and I want myself to be happy, meaning I will have to trust him or the marriage won't work. With this, I am questioning if I can trust him again.
On the other hand, knowing him for 20 years, I am not surprised at all about his way of dealing with this, moving out, staying with her, and ending it the way he plans to. This is my h. Do I trust him again on this and wait a few more weeks? It makes logical sense as I have DB'ed so long, what's a few more weeks.
I just realized I am so mad because to me, lying means he is not showing me any respect. By lying means he is denying me the option to think for myself and make my own decision. That's why I feel so betrayed.
HB, so much for ending the encounter on a positive note. Lots of tears with my racoon eyes. Oh well.

Just journaling.
I am still feeling extremely hurt. I delivered a letter to him at work at the lobby, basically telling him that I will not communicate with him anymore because I cannot stand any more pain and lies. I asked him to call me whenever he made his decision (in a few weeks) Meanwhile, I told him I will be thinking on my own and trying to live a life without him.
I feel so much pain being betrayed again by his lies. He said he was going to be alone, but instead he is letting OW visits him (if not staying there). I am seriously thinking about leaving because I think I will not be able to trust and respect him ever again.
He did texted me a few messages after he read my letter. He told me he still loves and respect me and the kids but he has to do what he has to do (I do not know what this means exactly, probably meaning he has to properly let OW go because he did her wrong with the abortion stuff). He "promised" that he will answer any invasive question and agree to all restrictions when he comes back.
The thing is, I am starting to NOT care anymore about what he says, probably because I do not believe any of it. If I were feeling scared, I may be OK. But the thing is, I feel at peace that I do not care. I am actually thinking about how to tell the kids and considering child custody, where to live, etc. This is scary.
If he does come back, based on all his previous track record before this whole affair, it is logical to assume he will be a great husband and will be committed. However, I am worried that he has pushed my trust and my love too far this time. My love for him may have died with this last episode of betrayal.
I think I am still hurt. I will give myself a few days to think this over. Meanwhile, all advice are welcome. Thanks.

He told me he still loves and respect me and the kids but he has to do what he has to do (I do not know what this means exactly, probably meaning he has to properly let OW go because he did her wrong with the abortion stuff). He "promised" that he will answer any invasive question and agree to all restrictions when he comes back.


Am i reading this right OurCrisis - you told him it was HIS choice as to whether he came back??? After she spent the night there? Oh no, that was the deal breaker. He was leaving "to be alone" remember? Respects you? Bollocks. He doesn't and he won't as long as you let him make all the choices - he's incapable of it at the moment. So this is where i recommend you start showing some respect for YOURSELF. He is behaving like a teenager - he has to do what he has to do? Basically sounds like shag her while you wait on the sidelines to me in agony - where is the respect for you in that? You need to show him that there are consequences to his selfish teenage actions. No communication is a GOOD start - but you now need to find a way to tell him you are reconsidering your whole future together and he may not feature in it. You are hurt but you are also thinking very sensibly in my opinion - you are thinking what will be the worth of a marriage that he basically comes back to when he has exhausted his other options. He needs to show commitment SOON or you will value the marriage as little as he currently does. You are at a watershed now OurCrisis. I would advise giving him the above information - that he will not feature in your life if he doesn't give you commitment to no contact with her and i would give him a VERY short period of grace before the decision needs to be made - say 24 hours. He will dither for EVER if you will stand on the sidelines and wait!

Do you know what my h said when i found him in bed with his OW? (yup he had left "to be alone" too). He told me he HAD to let her sleep with him because he felt sorry for her - he had already decided he loved me more and to stay with me and he felt sorry for her and had to be gentle to her because i had "won" him - what a prize!!! Jerk. When i told him i wasn't sure if i wanted my winnings and needed time to think about my future he quickly discovered how very much he loved me - he panicked and booted her into touch straight away. He had been SO full of himself all those months he thought he had us both on a string, he literally fell to pieces when faced with the consequences of his actions. Be brave OurCrisis! You are coping amazingly well and if you decide you don't want him or can trust him again, you WILL be just fine.

There is where you can really decide what you want! When you finally get to that peaceful place knowing you can be without him and be fine.

My H was the same way - slept with her one last time so as to not hurt her feelings - but I said you were still hurting me big time. It was just that I appeared much braver/stonger due to good DBing. He spends one last nite telling her he loves her and still wanting to end it. I swear I do NOT understand these men or WAS's. The addiction is hard to break...my H is going on three weeks and is just starting to see her true flaws and some basic fundamental reasons they would not have made it R wise... I swear they lose any real rational thought processes with all the teenage love actions going on...He now says he would have been miserable in a few yrs had I allowed him to leave and D...

I hung in there and I am much better for it right now. Your sitch may be entirely diff - you have to do what is best for YOU!

Doe, I can just use your h's quote except for the last part when you found OW in bed. H also claims he loves us and have decided to stay with us, BUT, he had to retify what he's done to OW, using his weird logic. I do believe that OW's abortion really affected him a lot and he feels very guilty towards her. Either that or he is lying BIG time just to keep both sides happy. If he is really lying big time, I may as well let him leave.

I blew up this morning when he IM'd me. I already told him and written to him REPEATEDLY that I want NO communications but he still IM'd me (just to say hello). But I blew up at him, saying "I CLEARLY STATED NO COMMUNICATIONS OF ANY SHAPE OR FORM. WHICH PART OF THAT IS NOT CLEAR? WHAT DO YOU MEAN RESPECT WHEN YOU CANNOT EVEN FOLLOW ONE OF MY SIMPLE XXXXXXX REQUEST?" So now he backed off and do not contact me anymore. Personally I really need the time now to think if I want to work this out or not. And I do think he needs to really experience life without me to see. I am taking a risk but I figure "better now than later".

Doe, I did tell him after I found out that "it is his choice". I also told him, though, "I will be doing some thinking and starting to try to live a life without him". I did not mention divorce as I still am not sure (actually, I still want to try to work this out and give him a chance). But as I posted earlier, starting to plan a life without him.

I just want to say thank you all for giving me advices. Sometimes you know how women really needs to hear different or same opinions just to be sure. I am the type who needs to hear all opinions before I decide (I research everything to death).

Will update you in a few weeks or as I hear more things (hopefully it is less than a few weeks). Meanwhile, if anyone has any opinion/advise, please feel free to post.

The positive I see in this is that your husband tells you that he loves you, mine does not. This is the hardest thing in our lives that we have ever faced. I think you are doing a fine job. Only you know what is truly best for you. From my perspective I see that you are truly committed to your marriage. It is so hard when you believe they are not being truthful, I have caught my H in so many lies. Apparently MLC takes away their reasoning abilities. Who in their right mind would choose the OP over their families?

That actually is something I am thinking about, the ILU part. Even after this, I still am a very innocent person (is this the right term?) I mean, I still believe in that most people are good at their heart, I still see the good in people and do not see the bad so much. This has obviously mean sometimes I am taken advantage of. I also think I am a very honest and straight person so I may not be very tactful sometimes? H, on the other hand, probably believes that a little (or big) white lie won't hurt and necessary to protect people. This has been always our differences. I will say "This chicken taste awful." while h will talk about "the pretty plate" as an example. So it is very difficult at this time for me to really see if h is telling the truth. I am even doubting the ILU. I do not know if he is saying it just to make me feel better "while he decides". This I can see already will be a big issue to work with if we do reconcile. As for being in the right mind, I already threw that out the window :-) I really think at this period, h is "temporary insane". My h is always so logical, yet the stuff he talked about at the heat of the A, was so stupid that I am sure even my son can point out the inconsistency and mistakes in the speech. So yoyowife, it is really true to not let the speech/action at those times to affect you too much. It is difficult because at this current moment, I am thinking exactly all the hurtful things he said.

WOW Ourcrisis!

That takes A LOT of strength. You astound me. I think you are right he does need to see what life is like without you. I bet he did not think you were really going to do it either. He is probably upset and everytime he looks at OW it is going to remind him that because of her he is losing you. I honestly think this may move things forwards a bit, now he HAS to make a choice.

Take care