Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

(((((((((Hugs))))))))) Nicola. hang in there

Hello all,

This will be long so please bear with me. I have a lot I need to get out of my head.

Before I begin, a couple of notes:

1) newbies: No R talk is always a good thing when you are DBing! I needed to tell my H some things that I had kept inside for a long time, and my M is over. I am DBing solely in order to keep a good R for my children and to get through the D, but not to get my M back.

2) I have been talking to my former T, and will go to see him next week. I have been quite depressed, but I don't need to change meds right now--this is, according to him, a normal process since I am only now truly grieving the loss of my M.



Okay, on to the meat of this post!

As noted above, I've been pretty bad emotionally. I finally told one of my classes b/c I kept promising them to correct a piece of work and just wasn't getting it back. I kept it together, but told them that I was going through a D and doing my best. I don't normally share personal stuff, but we've built up a R over the months, and they were very understanding.

I am eating, but also doing a lot of crying. However, the crying is purging. I cried a lot 19 months ago and got extremely depressed. But it was really about the shock of H leaving, the ow, the fear of my future, etc etc. This is about the end of my marriage. I had not accepted until now that my M was OVER. There is still an eensy-weensy shred of hope that this may somehow turn around, or we will get back together after a D, but it's very tiny. I need to go through this. I need to accept that my M is over and go on from there. As painful as it is, I have faith that I will come through it stronger than before.

H and I spoke for about 20 mins on Thursday. It wasn't pretty, but I said some things I felt I needed to. I told him that it hurt the way he looked like he'd won the lottery when I told him I was ready to go ahead with the LS. He said he was just happy I'd brought it up b/c he "didn't have the balls to do it."

I told him that one of the reasons I feel guilty/worthless is b/c of the way he treated for the last few years of our M. I said imagine if the person you loved looked at you with disdain, or didn't look at you at all--ignored you. He actually looked at the floor and said he was sorry.

I told him it killed me that he and his gf (I don't think of her as ow) were "playing happy family" every w/e, doing all the things *I* had wanted to do with *him* and the children, but that he was never interested in. He said he felt the same way, but imagined that I would find someone else, who would maybe even move in here and this man would spend more time with his kids than he would. He told me no one would ever replace me for the kids. [He didn't get that it wasn't just about the kids for me.]

He said he was going to be "very generous with the settlement," he "won't even ask for 50/50 custody b/c [he knows] it would kill [me]." Judges here love 50/50 and will go for it if either parent wants it, or even if they don't, but there's no status quo.

He kept telling me that I'd meet someone, or maybe I already have. I said no, I go out w/ friends, in groups, I meet men, but no one interests me. I've told him before that I don't date b/c I'm married, but he doesn't get that--doesn't think of us as married. He said I haven't been ready yet. Thanks for the therapy, jerk!!!

I was crying, and I said I didn't think I'd ever be able to trust a man again after what happened w/ us. He said, "Yes you WILL." I asked him how he knows that. He said, "Because not every man is like ME." He said this through gritted teeth, with a strange look on his face. Not mean towards me, but more disgusted w/ himself. I don't know if he meant that not all men would cheat or that other men would just leave me if they were unhappy.

I said that I told him everything about myself, everything. He said that he never used that against me. I said, "But you walked away. You walked away." He didn't say anything.

Finally, I told him that I know he doesn't want to come back, but I would still be willing to try again, even though it would be a lot more work than just starting fresh w/ someone else. He just nodded.

He said that this is the worst time, this is the bottom, it'll get better. How the F does he know? He never cried over this, that I can tell. But I guess I don't know.

I was sobbing by this time, and he said he wished he could help me. I just kept crying, and then he left me alone b/c S5 kept bugging us. I went to choir, which did help.

I know he still cares about me in some way, not like a husband. I guess like an old friend, yet we are not really friends. It is such a strange R.

When he picked up the kids yesterday, he was so happy. It made me sad. He is so much happier w/o me. I feel like all I do is ruin everybody's life. I lost it w/ D10 yesterday b/c I was so jealous of H's gf doing her hair. We both ended up in tears. This really is hell. It really is.

Some days I just want to give H full custody, the house, just run away somewhere, go to teach in Africa--I've always wanted to do that.

I still feel like this is all my fault, like I ruined his life. Otherwise, why would he be so happy w/ me gone? I picture him getting M again, and being the ideal H and father. Maybe he really has turned himself around. I don't know anymore.

Anyway, I have to go now. We're having a special healing service at church today, and I really want to be there.

I'll try to come back later to post to others,
Nicola

Oh yeah, I forgot something:

I've noticed that I really tend to look at things in black or white, all or nothing: I will ALWAYS be unhappy, my M was wonderful/terrible, etc. That is something I will need to work on when I get over this horrible time.

Okay, I have to say it. Your H is so happy b/c he is an A-hole.

There, I said it. Guys like him make my blood boil.

He is not worth your thoughts, or you thinking yourself as somehow responsible for ruining his life.

He is a Bast**d. With some it is an accident of birth; he is a self-made man.

Oh ((((((((((Nicola))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through all this pain. I know exactly how you feel sweetie but you must NOT blame yourself for the demise of your M. I did it too for so long but I know that I never gave up and neither did you. It takes 2 and you are the only one willing to work at it so really, HE is to blame. You did not ruin his life; he is responsible for how his life has turned out and unfortunately his decision also impacts your life and that of your children.

Your H is so selfish and he will only ever think of himself as long as it takes for him to grow up and take responsibility and know that you can't run away all the time. How can you believe he will be happy? He THINKS he is happy with his new gf but just give it time. Didn't he also think he was happy with his previous gf? Where is she now?

I second Jeff's sentiments. I wouldn't usually feel that strongly against someone but your H sounds exactly like my H with his BS and in fact your H doesn't deserve YOU. Believe me, it took me a while for me to get to this point but I no longer feel guilty. I am sad but no longer feel guilty because I never gave up and in fact like you I'm still willing to work on the M but you can't do it all by yourself. Your H is always looking for the easy way out.

Nicola, the future is yours to be however you want it to be. Let go of the chains that bind you to your H and you WILL feel free. I won't lie to you sweetie, you will think of him but you will eventually not focus on him anymore. I think of H a lot still but I don't let it paralyze me anymore. I miss him, I love him but I have set him free. You need to do this not for him but for you.

It is normal to have these thoughts but I know how much your children mean to you so do not act on it. You are a much better person than your H and even if you don't see it now, everyone will know it if they don't already. I am glad you are seeing your T again because he will help you see what a wonderful person you are because I don't think you really believe in yourself right now.

I wish I could be there to give you a big hug but know that I am sending one your way. We WILL meet one day, I promise and I will give you that big hug.

I am at work today but I can call you later tonight. Send me an email and let me know if it is okay.

(((((((((((Nicola)))))))))))))))

Lots of love to you,
ISLH

That is not a happy man Nic. He is a lost man, and he thinks he sees relief from his pain and guilt in the future. He will not find that. He does not know that.
He can put an a mask you know. He is not happy.

Chin up girlfriend. (Not that slang term sweetie). You are OK.

Funny you should mention that black white thing. I have that too. At least I did my counselor called me on it, and recognizing this is the first step towards fixing it. I do not do this as much anymore.

YOu will be OK. I get that you are a teacher too. By virtue of your profession, you have to be reflective. On your teaching and in your life.
Use the skills that you have at hand when working with your students. Do you see them as all bad, or all good? No. You see a composite of strenghts and weaknesses. You teach to those.
Now you are a smart lady, reflect on this and how to adjusts your black white color dial.
Your outlook will be more colorful soon.

I have been letting my M go to a D for about 10 months now. Still no D. THey just seem to want to bend our will so they can have what they want. This is by no means the end, unless it is the end for you.
My hunch is that GF relationship is not that stable. She is pushing and now he can report that LS is going forward, and he thinks he sees relief.
Wait till that does not happen.

If the D is what you want, then good. In the end this is all about finding happiness and joy in our lives. It will come in small doses now, but wait till it comes in larger doses.
It will happen for us Nic. It will
Cheers,
Holly

((( Nicola )))

First off - YOU DID NOT RUIN ANYONE"S LIFE.

Say that again and again. You are a blessing to your kids, your students, everyone here, your family, your friends.

HOW ON EARTH did YOU ruin things? Were YOU the one who cheated? Left? Lied? Ripped a family apart? Lacked courage to do something?

No, that was your H.

Step 1 to your healing is NOT taking blame for things falling apart. That is life. Things happen. We make mistakes. Our H's make mistakes. We find explanations and take our share of the blame, but just OUR SHARE.

Wanna run away? Go teach in Africa?

How about something totally zany. How about doing a teacher/exchange program somewhere, even in the US, during summer break, so you and the kids get to live somewhere totally different, just ask room/board for pay, and you teach? There have GOT to be plenty of programs like that....maybe not now, but sometime in the future for the summer.

I am so sorry this is tough. But in the end, YOU will move on faster than he has. YOU will have more success than he has. No one who goes through this, thinking they did nothing, will prosper.

Hi nicola,

I just wanted to check in here because a lot of what you wrote in one of your posts hit home with me.

Things like your H telling you that you will find someone else and be happy again. Like you feeling like your H is so much happier without you and if he remarries how happy he will be with someone else.

I feel ALL of those things too, and theyhurt a LOT to be sure. I often think that my W will be blissfully happy and that happiness will only validate in her mind what a failure I was as a husband and what a mistake she made in marrying me.

I wish I had some wonderful words to make you magically feel better, but I don't. I do hope, though, that you take some comfort in knowing that others have the same thoughts that you do. You are not alone.

Lots of love coming to you Nic. You are so strong and I have told you many times how I admire you. I agree that your h is not happy. I think that alot about my h too...how happy he is now without me. But are they truly happy?! I don't really think so.

And I know how much it hurts to have the ow involved in things with the kids that should be things we are doing! I still after a year have a hard time not asking the boys if ow was there and what they did and ect. Uggg.

Take care of you and remember this is not all your fault!!!! You stood and you tried and were willing to work. Way more then your h did!

Love ya
Christy

Nicola,
Right now I too want to run away from it all. I'm not sure that I can 'resist' that temptation for much longer. I am constantly looking for jobs elsewhere (even abroad) and the only reason I haven't applied yet is b/c the money isn't good enough. Right now I'm frightened that I am going to add to my children's pain but whilst acknowledging that I know I can't deny my own pain any longer.

I understand