Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Valentines 2007...MUCH better than last year!

Well, for those of you who know me, and especially to those of you who go back over a year with me here, you know how much I used to be around this site, even when my sitch started to shape up.

Well, sadly, it's time for me to move forward a bit. Things in my marriage are FAR from perfect, but they are certainly moving in the right direction. My work schedule is ultra busy these days and in the end, I just need a break from thinking about these things 24x7.

So, with that, I tell you that my time here is not over by any stretch, but my days of checking the boards for new people, or even following the threads of people I already know on a daily (or even weekly basis) are over for now. I will still check back from time to time and if a request is made for my input, I will do my best to oblige. I will also try to keep tabs on some of the people I know the best I can.

Thank you so much to all who have helped me, and who have allowed me to share in their stories. I am eternally grateful to this site, Michelle (for her books), and especially to the wonderful, generous people who gave me support in my darkest days. I will NEVER forget that and thus, I will never forget this site.

I hope, much like OT, to return on a more regular basis because I still owe a debt to this society that I intend to pay.

Until then, I wish you all well and this is not goodbye.

GH

GH,

Good to see you. A break is probably a healthy thing -- a more natural life in which you aren't always wrapped around your own axle is a good thing

When I post here, it is not about my own sitch. In truth, I post here for many reasons, some more admirable than others:

(1) it relieves work related stress
(2) it is a positive way to avoid bad feelings about procrastinating--see (1), lol
(3) I care about the people here and have a great deal of compassion and empathy for them
(4) I believe I can really help some people
(5) I find it very rewarding and feel good when I feel that I have really helped someone
(6) I work out of my home a lot at this allows for some adult contact. I'll have more space for other activities in several months, but right now my non-work, non-family time is very limited. So for now, this is a good way to interact and do something that matters and is rewarding to me -- see (3)-(5), lol.

Notice that my personal life in terms of my M really isn't playing a role here. And, it really isn't. I am very happy in my M and no doubt my DB experience contributes to that all the time. But, I am not in analysis mode or trying to make things a certain way or trying to avoid seeing certain things, etc... I don't feel a need to keep others grasping at straws so I don't lose hope myself. I don't feel a need to justify the neediness or enmeshment of others to avoid seeing a problem with my own behaviors. I don't feel so lost that this board is a lifeline for me.

This is part of why it is easy for me to be direct and detached with people on the boards -- it truly isn't about me in terms of my personal life. It is OK if people get mad at me, lol. It is even OK if they lash out at me, because I can understand their pain and not take it personally. I also do not tell people what they want to hear merely to feel comforted, to keep their hate going, to keep their holier-than-WAS feeling alive and kicking. Sure, it helps momentarily, but in the long run it just keeps them feeling like victims. No one here is a victim of their spouse, with the exception of those who have suffered true spouse abuse.

Never have truer words been spoken by two of the more influential people in helping me get to where I am today. In some ways, its sad not to see you around as much GH because I feel that you were part of my peer DB group (lol, class of '06) along with some others, including Mama, NM, RBinRR, FrankD and NYS (and countless others who I know I have forgotten to mention, but nonetheless are just as important). But on the other hand, knowing that you are not around means that you have moved to a different phase in your M and in your self-improvement and I couldn't be happier for you.

For my own part, my situation has evolved dramatically from a year ago. I have no longer concerned myself with the work OM because he's not a part of the equation anymore, however, its another OM by the name of Ed that's got me really scared. In a lot of ways, the tools provided to me by the others here have helped me prepare for this larger struggle and for that I am grateful. In some small part, I post these days to try and help those struggling see the larger picture. I'm nowhere near as good at giving this advice as you two, but if I can help in any way.....

In any event, I'm making this much longer than I have to. I've never met you face to face GH, but who knows, someday if I'm down that way, I'd love to shake your hand. If you remember my e-mail, drop me a line sometime. I'd love the hear from ya.

Rob

I understand completely, but I'm still sad to lose many class of '06 friends as they drop off for various reasons. But those are MY issues! Not yours.

Thanks for everything. I will miss hearing about your life & times but, like Rob, I would be pleased to shake your hand someday. All the best to you GH

OT, Rob & BI,

Thanks ya'll. Like I said, I am not gone, just not around as much, sure to return some day when I get to a different place and I am drawn back to this board for purely altruistic (well, mostly anyway) reasons.

GH

GH,

I, like everyone else from the class of '06, really miss having you around and I thank you for sharing your life and mine for the past year!

I wish you nothing but the best!

Take Care, Mama

Ok, as promised on Mama's thread...an update.

Things are still good in GH-land. I have learned a LOT over the past year+ but I think these days, the lesson that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME is the one that serves me the most. I have come to learn that a lot of our ML issues stem from, and have ALWAYS stemmed from my W's poor self-image. Now that we have been MLing regularly for several months now, I am noticing (that's what happens when you pay attention, lol) that when my W works out and keeps her weight where she likes it, we ML a LOT, much more than EVER before. When she is not happy with herself, either because she's put on a few pounds (I don't notice, she does) or just the fact that she's not working out as much as she'd like, we ML much less frequently. Of course, she'll never SAY all that...well...she did a few weeks ago and I really paid attention.

Anyway, so now I don't take things like rejection by her so personally. The OM helped her feel good about herself because he was an extremely fit guy who encouraged her to get in shape and, well, other things. I was an out of shape, lazy husband who inspired...not much. That's all changed. I am in shape, eating MUCH better and totally supportive of my W's desire to be fit (I used to just brush her off saying "you look great, why do you need to do all that).

OM is 99% gone from the picture...other than that little call a few weeks ago from OM's brother saying OM was in the hospital after a suicide attempt...of course he blamed my W and their "breakup" for it. She had a bad reaction to that but as far as I know, she told me right after the call and didn't talk to OM directly or see him at all. She claims NO contact other than one phone call a couple months ago for about 7 months now. I think it's true, but no matter, we are doing great.

We're planning a trip this summer, just the two of us for our 10th year anniversary (wow, there was a long time there when I didn't think that would ever happen).

We communicate MUCH better now. We fight much better, i.e. we fight now instead of dueling passive/aggressive behavior

I still have anger issues to deal with, mainly yelling a lot a the kids but at least I am aware of it and it rarely carries over past the first outburst. In the past I used to be angry a lot, for a long time, now it's just a few minutes here and there when they are particularly bad. I want to control myself more, and am working on that.

I am also working on keeping the romance alive in my R, and despite a predictable return to the pre-affair "normal" life we live, I am still VERY aware of letting things get stale again and try, whenever possible, to stir it up so-to-speak.

I will be back here from time to time and hopefully there will come a time when I will spend more time than just these few minutes to update my own sitch.

As always thanks to Michelle for writing her books and equally as much to you all for helping me apply her, and other people's philosophies, to my own sitch.

GH

GH,

Good to see you

"We fight much better, i.e. we fight now instead of dueling passive/aggressive behavior."

Outstanding! There will always be disagreements, it is what you do with them that matters.

Maybe on this vacation you'll find a romantic spot, push her up against a wall, and kiss her madly...

Yep. I am FAR from perfect in this regard but for example, yesterday we were having dinner (alone even) and started talking about our trip and how it looks like we might not be able to go. I got a bit upset and she got mad at me for being upset. I didn't apologize for my feelings and we carried on. Before we would have just gotten more and more angry because the other was not happy...vicious cycle...and silly to boot.

As we talked, she got upset and stormed off. I started to follow her to push whatever the issue was and then stopped, FINALLY learning to just let her be sometimes. It worked. We both calmed down later and things were great. I THINK we even had our first ever make up $ex!



Amen sister! Then, as we break away from each other's passionate embrace to find ourselves surrounded by the enchanting ambiance of small town Greece I'll look into her eyes and say "THAT my dear, was for Oldtimer..." and then spend the rest of the trip explaining who or what Oldtimer is, lol.

Thanks for checking in.

GH

HEY!! Good to hear news from you. And really good to know we can make it. Where one man goes, another may follow.

You and toughlover were my first and best counselors. TL's sitch isn't as great as yours and it's a little depressing. It's good to know it can work out.

Good luck. I hope things continue to work out, and I hope my W and I will be there too in the not to distant future.
Kirby