I have been wondering what life would have been like if my H had not always been so depressed. Looking back, I see that I was constantly trying to make him happy by scheduling things for him, supplying him friends by my making friends that became "ours", encouraging him to do things, planning vacations and outings, etc. (His depression had been at a medium level for over 20 years.) I now have to devote that energy into me and the kids. Maybe through this he will finally realize that he has to take responsibility for his own happiness. I could only do it for him for so long.
Through living alone he is finally having to make some decisions, even simple ones like what to have for dinner. In all these years, I would ask him what he would like for dinner and always got "Anything is fine." I would pick something he liked that we didn't have for a while. Now he has to make these simple decisions himself. He has also had to decide on furniture and other purchases too. In the past, I would show him choices and I think he would pick whichever one I seemed to be leaning towards.
I have to get in touch with what I like again. I made so many life decisions based on trying to please him and bring us together. In college, I changed my minor so we would have more in common (computers). I took on activities that he enjoyed. I like them now too, but what about all the things I used to do that I stopped doing.
H came over again to watch the kids before school this morning. I noticed that he didn't call to say goodnight to the kids last night. So I guess I won't have that opportunity to talk with him anymore on the phone, at least on those days. I hope he starts interacting with the kids in the morning instead of just waiting around for it to be time for school. I think he is still too deep in depression to be able to play with them much.
MIL called last night. She is hopeful that H will come home some day. She said that he never mentioned the D word to her either, so that is good news.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Weird morning. H came over to watch the kids before school. He just stood around for a while and told me about some work problems and then said he had to send his boss an email and then went up and used the computer for 10 minutes or so. Heaven forbid he is not using the computer for a while. I always switch users before he comes over just in case he gets snoopy.
He later came down and just kind of floated around not interacting with me or the kids at all. He mentioned having yet another migraine. (I'm thinking maybe he has a brain tumor which would explain everything. LOL)
Later D10 and I were playing around and laughing with S7 about the need to wet his hair. (He had the fin look going on.) We were dragging him to the bathroom and splashing water at his hair. H finally jumps in the fun and picks up S and threatens to hold him under the faucet. It was nice to see H participate instead of just watching. See H all the fun you are missing out on!
H looks so pasty and ill these days. His hair has that Bozo look from getting too long. (Normally I would remind him if he needed a haircut but now I say let him look goofy!) He is definitely not doing some of the MLC classic behaviors like trying to look younger or spending more time on his looks.
In rereading my last post, I have to admit to myself that there was some brief talk of divorce right after the bomb. (Mainly he was saying he had to leave and I was saying that we couldn't get a divorce because of the children.) I think I blocked it out of my head. My memory is so odd sometimes from the shock and depression of it all.
It is still so unbelievable that someone could throw away the happy life we had. We had everything we dreamed of. (They were simple, modest dreams like most people have of a family, home, and security.) If I doubt that this is MLC, I remind myself of how depressed he has been and how crazy it is to give up a good marriage of 20 years without a fight.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
HM, I have no idea why they give up without a fight! I ask myself this daily...I will be married 7 years but we have been together 10 and living together 9...it all just came to a screeching halt and bomb drop!
I question this whole sitch we are in everyday...then I tell myself I have done my best to stand for my M...I can't change anyone's mind and hopefully someday they will come to their own conclusions...hopefully that will be that they miss us and want to come home.
A 28 yr old OW does not provide the security and family that a wife does...at least in my mind!
My H's OW is 38, manic depressive, abusive husband, 2 kids, abused as a child (locked in a closet for days), etc. When he told me I said "What, am I not needy enough for you?" No sane person would trade a stable happy, peaceful home with two beautiful smart kids for that mess. I don't know if he has actually turned it into a PA or not. He went to visit her out of state three weeks ago but I don't know what happened. (Better not to know I guess.)
They are fools!
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
One is that the low self esteem the MLCer struggles with may cause them to behave in destructive ways. They say "what about me?" and that it is finally their chance to live for themselves.
But do we see them living well? Or do we see them lowering themselves to be the person they perceive themselves to be? Have they lowered the bar to simplify their challenge of finding lost happiness?
They state that we failed them and they blame us for their low self image. Consider how strong and independent these people were in our life and theirs. Were we truly so capable of reducing them to this, unless they were already slipping within themselves?
They were not happy, and we could not make them happy, and they believe they must become free of us to find happiness. They are chasing shadows.
It is often quoted that the MLCer trades down in their OP. Why?
Maybe to raise their own self image by using that simpler standard.
There are no answers for us. Just the confusion we were left with, and the confusion we create for ourselves trying to make sense out of riddles that have no answer.
