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Sometimes I don't think they do it on purpose, they just do it because they can control it. They feel like they are losing themselves when they have to tell us everything. My H just won't, period, show me his Visa bill. I know it possibly contains things I don't want to see anyway so why would I want to upset myself. The main thing is he is trying, and I have to believe that. I also have to believe that one day the Visa won't mean anything to him OR to me.

He is getting better, telling me what came in the mail each day (which he never did) so he is coming around with the secrecy issue but I know it is about his lack of trust and his fear of losing control that is doing it, not that he doesn't love me or that he is purposely wanting to hide things from me.

Perhaps you need to look at the positives and stop dwelling on the one little thing that might not have any meaning at all other than he wants some space.

I do understand what you are saying and I can understand how he is feeling too, but it doesn't make it any easier.
To be honest, I almost always have a question in my head about is what he is saying he's doing is true.
I hate being this way, I hate doubting so much, I hate that I am so uncertain about everything, I do want to trust him, and feel comfortable again.
But sometime wonder if thats ever going to happen again!

So we had a fairly uneventful weekend, I went to a "girls" party, and to be honest, it just wasn't as much fun as before, before I had to wonder about the state of my marriage. I wasn't sure if I should buy anything or not, a year ago I wouldn't have given it a second thought however now, I don't want to pressure or assume anything. It was very sad to realize how much as changed in my marriage!
Then last night h asked how I was, and how things are, he opened the door and I went through.
I told him that I am still really bothered about the my space stuff, that I just don't understand how it could be someone else using it, and that it really worries me that if its him what is he looking for, why can't he just be honest with me.
He still was very adament that it wasn't him, and doesn't even know how it works, he asked me if I tried his usual pass word for things, and I said no, however now thinking about I had, and this morning when I went there again, the old password works!
Last night I felt better, I felt ok he is being honest, but again I am back to him not, because its obvious, he went back and changed the pass word, now the only positive is that I can get into it now.
So I am still at square one, the honesty, when is he truly going to be honest with me, is he ever?!
I told him how all have this has really played on me, and made be question alot, I told him that I do love him, however I worry that I just don't seem to be getting better, and I worry that all of this could drive him away...he told me is isn't planning on going anywhere.
The one good thing is, he handled it pretty well, there was no getting mad, or threatening to leave! so thats a step forward, although I do have alittle worry that it will come!
So I am just going try and settle myself alittle and see what happens.

bump

Hey sweets...

Did you read my post I did this weekend in Newcomers?? I probably should have put it over here since we are techinaclly piecing...

I stink at linking also...so go look for it - Finally Feeling a Fraction of Freedom from Fear. I wrote it and thought about you...

HMM I did read it and responded.
We are very much alike!

I do want to calm down and enjoy the ride, but I find it so hard, because so much has the potential to be impacted by his actions, I guess that does make me a control freak! But I am not usually.
I just don't want my world to be blown apart again! But I will try, I will release some of my control in order to give him the benefit of the doubt, to show that I can love him unconditionaly.

But as you all know its not going to be easy!

So a couple of different things that I want to get down here, please feel free to respond!
Yesterday morning my H tell me that he has a bad dream, however initally wount tell me, it pretty much took him all day. He says that he dreamt that I was having an affair, he was following me and I was waving him away telling him, he did it so I can too! Then he says the next part is going to make me think he is still "mental" he then grabs the guy I am with and kills him, to which I tell him(in the dream) that it doesn't matter because there are more guys out there for me to get! So what do I make of that anything?

Also he tells me that he has talked to his boss about either working from home more or back in the office in our home area, now the ow is in the area, he wouldn't be back to her office, however the offices are minutes away. So I am kinda of worrying about it! I want to be supportive, because he is doing this to keep costs down alittle, however my piece of mind is definately going to be tested! Should I tell him about my concerns or just see what happens.
The thing that is at the back of my mind is the fact that he has never told me he wount do it again. Should I talk to him about this?

I actually talked to him alittle while ago, and he was talking about it again, so I voiced my concerns to him, which he said that he understand, however stated he would be working with her, so isn't very concerned.
I also said that it worried me, because he has never actually said that he doesn't want her anymore, which he confirmed to me he doesn't.
The one thing he did say is that he wants to sort of confront her as a test for himself, which really scares me because that means he isn't sure himself of what his feelings are!!

Ok...shaking you gently but firmly and hollaring "You can't CONTROL any of this girl...get a grip!!!".

Yea, easier said than done, huh? I know.

First on the dream - all I would say to him is "You're right...there are bunches of guys out there that could be for me - BUT there's ONLY ONE I want......!!!!" Kiss him, smile and walk away.

Girl, my hubs travels WEEKLY to the town where the A took place. Stays in the SAME hotel where she once was with him...but you know what?? I have NO CONTROL over that. NONE.

I made a point the other day at MC - I've come to the place that anything that he might have going on (he swears there's nothing) is HIS problem and issue - NOT mine. Just like a bill that's due - HE is the one that has to pay it - NOT ME. When you get to that place, you're not totally worry free - I'd be lying to say that - but honestly, it becomes fleeting and not a dwelling spot. I promise!

I know this is hard, lordy lordy, do I know - but you are BETTER than this... The more of an issue you make OW the more you're keeping it alive. By not bringing it up, you're not saying it's ok, you're saying I'm not giving the floozy anymore of MY/OUR precious time!!!!!!!!!

Let go and let him figure it out.

Very true! I guess for me, its more just wanting to know if my world is going to get blown up again! But for the most part I don't spend to much time focused on her anymore, its just a little thing now.

I did tell after he told me about the dream that I have no intrest in anyone else, that our marriage is what I want, and would be intrested in someone else.